I Need Someone To Listen.
I'm almost 21 years old, I'm single and I hate my job. I've been really down for the past couple weeks and I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm normally a pretty happy person. I've always had trouble with anxiety, I'm very shy and I get anxiety attacks in certain situations. I used to take medication for it but when I started doing better my doctor took me off it. I've been fine for about 6 months and now I've just been having more and more little slumps. I'll get sad or lonely but I can usually pull myself out it it. But this time is different. I've tried exercising and eating healthy (because I read online that may help) but it didn't. So I started drinking. It really makes me feel better instantly and I feel good for the evening and usually sleep better too, but in the morning I'm back to being just as depressed, if not more. I'm starting to scare myself because along with depression alcoholism runs in my family. I just don't know what to do. I know all of the things that are making me depressed can be changed but not easily. I hate my job but I need money so I'd have to find a new job where I can make more money but still there is no guarantee that I won't hate that job just as much. The lonliness is harder to fix tho. I have friends, but none of them are close enough for me to be honest with like this. And it's not like I can just google "the love of my life" and find him. I'm just a very closed off person and it's hard for me to get really close with anyone at all. The only person I've ever really been extremely close to is my ex that I broke up with almost a year ago. I broke up with him because I know I don't love him like he loves me and I just couldn't stay in the relationship cause I was unhappy. But he still tries to talk and I honestly really like talking to him but I know each time he tries to make it an attempt to get back together. It's just been getting increasingly harder to not talk to him because when I get lonely I remember the times when I was happy with him and I felt safe and secure and now that my life feels so out of control I keep wishing for those times back. I just feel empty and numb and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.