Beating My Brains Out.

Since I was ten years old I have always been extremely paranoid/anxious about, in the worlds view, "silly things," or even "nothing." I am now 21 years old and still cannot sleep until I am too physically exhausted to stand up because I cannot stop worrying. I worry about failing at EVERYTHING I do. I have always been an A student but still never pleased, still felt like I'd never get anywhere. I was enlisted in the Marine Corps but didn't even make it to basic training before I dropped out because I knew inside that I would fail, or lose my mind on Parris Island and be discharged. I am not a violent person and have no aggressive feelings toward people, but I worry that if I were to ever have a child that I would become even more unstable and harm myself, my child, or both. These thoughts sicken me, keep me awake, tremoring. Sleep deprivation in turn ends up in me freaking out even more because I start having peripheral/auditory hallucinations. I've been to psychiatrists before but none were ever helpful. I feel that I need to see my family doctor to see about being prescribed something for my anxiety so I can stop being so afraid of myself and finally sleep at night, but (shocker,) I'm terrified to go. I am freaked out by doctor's offices. I feel that if I do go they'll simply refer me to another psychiatrist. I wouldn't be so adverse to this if I hadn't been diagnosed with everything from depression to paranoid schizophrenia to histrionic personality disorder. It is obvious to me and those close to me that I am affected by none of those other than depression and paranoia without the schizophrenia part, and no two shrinks have ever agreed on one disorder, so I feel like they're just guessing. It just seems hopeless that I'll ever have any piece of mind.
btamruh btamruh
18-21, F
2 Responses May 6, 2012

Oh dear me your normal as every body is different we all travel done this road what i did was tell the thorts to go a way , it take a little time but it works just say to your self ENUFF go away and get on with what you know you need to do , like i said it take s a bit of time Just enjoy life .

U ARE LOVED! I can not help you with you problems for i am a mess my self. I can tell u what I have done in the past and it seemed to help me. I battle the negitive feeling by Knowing they are not me. They are only thoughts and I can choose to believe them or not I do not have to act on them. I am much more than a bunch of fears and feelings. I am more than any thing I can think or feel. You are Too. IN THE SPIRIT OF LOVE YOU ARE SPECIAL