I'm Seething With Anger

I hate life in so many ways.  I'm not normally a sad or angry person, especially when I interact with people, but deep inside (hidden even from me sometimes), I hate the world.

I should be studying right now, but I'm so ******* tired of school.  I can't put into words how sick I am of jumping through hoops, of being tested, of stressing over things I don't give a **** about.  When am I going to be free?  When is meeting the challenges of life going to be gratifying instead of me just feeling like a zombie where every task sucks out every last drop of my soul???  I DON'T WANT TO READ RIGHT NOW!

But I have to FORCE myself to.  Because unfortunately, we live in a society where people think this piece of paper called a "degree," actually means anything.  It doesn't mean ****.  I've seen my fellow students bull **** their way through college.  A few of them have even gotten into grad school, but when I look at how their minds work and how they evaluate things, it's clear that they're just idiots.  It feels so unfair to me.  When I look at school, and when I look at the job market, all of it seems filled with complete morons who don't care about real knowledge and real talent.  I think I'm very talented in a lot of ways.  But no one will see that.  They will just see my 2.8 GPA so that they can judge me with their cookie-cutter mentality.

But in a lot of ways, when I look at myself, I see more things to dislike.  I'm very good-looking, but I hardly ever have sex or date people, and that's because in spite of my ability to catch others' glances, I'm very insecure.  I have a belly that shows if I don't suck it in on a regular basis, and in spite of several attempts to plan a workout regime I never stick to it for longer than a few days.  I'm tempted to say that it's because I'm just a lazy **** that wants to sit around all day and eat junk food.  My body seems hell bent on eating junk food.  I want burgers and fries and coke!!!!!!!!!  I want chips and cookies!!!!  I swear to god if I don't have these on a regular basis, I will feel horrible, like those nasty ******* summer days where it's all humid and you can feel your pores suffocating from the sticky layer of sweat on your back.  I feel that way on the inside.  Then once I have something high in sugar, salt, and/or fat, I feel MUCH better and whole.  I've tried eating "healthy" but it seems like all healthy means is eating **** that doesn't taste good.  Or if it does taste good, it doesn't hit the spot.  I feel full, but not satisfied at all.  There was something missing.

When I think of changing my eating habits, I feel hopeless, because I've failed each and every time I've tried.  I sometimes think about the health problems I'll face down the line, and sometimes it's frightening when I look at what happens to other people.  I also hate cooking.  I detest the task so much, it feels like just yet another lifeless chore.  Why?  Because in order to make anything that even comes close to as yummy as what you can pay for, you have to spend at least half an hour, often longer, in the kitchen.  Who has time for that anyway?  Who actually makes three meals a day???  I just don't understand it.  And yet people speak of it so casually as if it's this thing people do that no one even gives a second thought to.  Me?  I say, let's just eat, and not have to deal with cooking, by picking something up.

It's weird how I can have such a high opinion of what I'm capable of and yet feel so pathetic.  What kind of person struggles to get through each day like I do?  Aren't people like me regarded as total losers?
bpreciado bpreciado
2 Responses May 16, 2012

I hear you! I really hear you and in hearing you I hear myself years ago saying the same things. I so said them and believed in what I said and stood by them that I dropped out of high school. I was the kind of kid that was smarter than the average kid in my class in some subjects and always wanted to go ahead in chapters of the subject. I had teachers that put up the road blocks and were trying to keep me spinning wheels. I hated that! <br />
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I quit school when I was 16. My father was not going to let me get away with that and went out and bought me the study book to take my G.E.D. It sat on my desk in my room and I never cracked it once. I still scheduled myself to take the test and you know what? I passed on the very first try. Pissed my father off because he had to take it 4 times before he passed it...lol <br />
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To be honest with you, I really have no idea how I passed that test. It wasn't easy because on the subjects that I really had no interest in during high school I just took chances on the answer. If an answer looked like it made sense I marked it. Not that I didn't work it through first. I did, but even the questions just bored me.<br />
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You know what I really regret after all these years? It's that if I had payed attention to what I had was being taught in class back then, I might have really understood the why of some of those answers on the G.E.D. I have common sense and maybe I was taking in more than I was giving myself credit for, but it's the mechanism of getting to those answers.<br />
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Now for the ******** that seem to be so smart and have the GPA of a genius...feel sorry for them. They are missing out on the things that are really just glanced over or not given any priority and that's common sense. Common sense comes in handy in a lot of the social mores that they are going to be so lacking in. Even laughing at a simple joke will be beyond them. They will take more things personally then see the humor or sarcasm in something. <br />
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If you are thinking that maybe you should shed some of those pounds and build the body then do it when you are ready. Don't do it because others are doing it or because that seems to be what is the norm right now. You'll know when you are ready for all of that. So, your GPA is not what it should be, but ask yourself....whose GPA are you trying to match? Is it really going to be worth that gold star that you want? Whose gold star will it belong to? You or someone else? I wouldn't suggest dropping out right now, but it seems to me that you need to sit back and take things one step at a time. Re-evaluate what you are doing, how you are doing it and if it can be rearranged in a way that makes sense for you.

I had to watch the movie, "supersize me" for school and if you havent seen it, it will help you understand why you crave the junk because they put a lot of money and research into addicting people to their garbage. As far as school yea thats the way life is not fair. From personal experience though I can tell you with all honesty that you are created by God for something and when we go through life trying all the things that the world says will make us "happy" we still end up empty because its all a joke. If it were true then hollywood would be the happiest people around but their not. Their beautiful but their still having all kinds of plastic surgery, end up divorced a number of times, addicted, or committing suicide. But when you go to the one with all the blueprints for your life and let him be the one you get your direction and selfworth from then you begin to have a different view of life and whats important I know I did. I was an angry, insecure drug using high school dropout but he turned all that around and I mean all of it. Not to say that life becomes easy it never does because evil and evil people still exist unfortunately (ps. Im not talking about a religion but an experience with the one who made you. That makes all the difference!)