Why?

I have matured a lot more since I wrote my last entry..
I don't know what to do right now. 
My mom isn't here anymore but I am still sinking deeper and deeper into depression.
I wake up thinking of suicide and go to sleep with these dreadful thoughts buzzing in my brain. 
My brother has officially taken over the role of being the beast. 
He knows exactly what to say to hurt me. It's like he's become her. He doesn't abuse me physically like she did but the emotional and mental abuse 
hits an utter bulls eye. He makes me feel ashamed to be alive. 
My father is there but all he says in regards to my brothers harsh and disrespectful comments is "he's an *******, what do you expect?" Gee dad, when did my savior become my coward? 
I almost always wish that some unexpected accident would occur and take my life. I feel like everything i have accomplished in life means nothing.
No matter what I do, I wont make anyone proud. 
I can't escape from this.
These malicious words that are thrown at me day by day are driving me to the point of planning my demise. 
What do I do..
Tired of living but too scared to actually go through with my suicidal tendencies..so far.

BlameMe101 BlameMe101
22-25, F
5 Responses May 16, 2012

You're not a failure at all. You're being abused, and it's not right. You're a person just like everyone else, and you deserve to be treated with respect. But suicide is not the answer. In a few years, you'll be in college, and you'll move out. Until then, persevere. You can get through this. Stay away from your house as much as you can, whether that means getting a job, getting involved with a group, or hanging out with your friends. If you have a really close friend, explain what's going on, and ask her if you can spend the night with her more often. Just get out of the house as much as you can. And remember- I know that your brother's words hurt- a lot. But they're just words, and considering the person he is, doing this to you, they don't mean a thing. Think of them as lies, ignore them, and move on. When he says things to you, walk away. In your head, say why that's not true. If he says, "you're not good enough" tell yourself the reasons you ARE. remind yourself of your gifts and talents. I know this is rough, but stay strong, you can get through this. I'm here on EP a lot, and I'm always willing to talk with you, or anyone. Just add me, or I'll add you, and I can message you and stuff. So just send me a message, let me know how things are with you. I hope things look up for you. And remember that you can always come to us here on EP when things are tough.

Don't commit suicide :( remember there are other options. If you go to the social services or something like that, couldn't you be put in a happier family? Then you'll have the chance to start over and start to get over the past. I'm sorry if this doesn't help :(

Just made me cry. First, I love that song. I well up every time I hear it. I just hate feeling like such a failure. Like everything I have over come has no meaning to it. So why bother fighting for it ? Therapy is such crap. Tried it like four times and I feel even more pissed off leaving the damn place then I did before I even went. Like she's better than me because I'm so ****** up or she thinks I'm going to her for attention.uh no. I'm going to you so i don't end up jumping off the tappanzee bridge or start using drugs again. I just, I'm so full of anger and hate its breaking me . I just want to scream until my lungs give out.

Thank you. And I didn't even know i had a comment on the last one lol . Didn't really know how to work this site and then I kind of forgot all about it. But alas, it managed to make its way back into my life. I will take you up on that offer.

I know i commented on your other post too, but i feel like i have a connection with you, i feel you i really do (not creepy wise lol). Honestly you're making me proud if that counts. The balls to post this, i respect that so much. I feel the same i have suicidal thoughts all the time, but never go through. I'm thankful i don't, but theres some days that it gets worse and can't take. I don't know how im holding on but i am, and you can too. Be strong, prove people wrong. I'm here to talk btw anytime message me, im this all the time, to escape sometimes...