I Hate Myself And I Need Someone To Talk To

I hate everything about myself. I wake up, hating myself. I go to bed, hating myself. I am a 20 year old girl who can't stand the very site of herself in a mirror. At 20, I should be going to a university, going to parties, talking to boys, living the college lifestyle. Instead I am going to a community college because I was too nervous for a university, I am rarely going out of my house, and I never talk to boys. I don't know what has happened to me. Back in high school, I was viewed as one of the pretty girls. I was fun, outgoing, had a good sense of humor. Up until I was 15, my life was perfect and my self confidence was higher than ever. Maybe this is too personal, but I need to get my entire story out there and maybe someone will read it and relate. When i was 15 I was raped and sexually assaulted by a group of boys at a party. It took me 3 months to come out and say anything, I just wanted to pretend it never happened and make it go away, and maybe I should have. It was all over the paper and everyone at my high school knew about it. I was ridiculed and under the scrutiny of every eye at my school. I became severely depressed and missed over a year of school because I couldn't bring myself to face it. Ever since then, I have been struggling to find my old self and have yet to do so. I hate myself, I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate my personality. I pray that I will get in a car accident and die a painless death because I don't have the guts to kill myself. The only person who truly loves and cares for me is my mother, and I don't have the heart to take the life of her only daughter. But it's too hard sometimes... I'm not pretty, funny, outgoing, witty, anything that a 20 year old girl should be. I feel like I do nothing but take up space on this earth and I can't stop feeling like this. Anyway, I just wanted to share my story, maybe someone else has felt this way and has seen a brighter day.
tammyt312 tammyt312
18-21, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

I can relate to most all of your post. 1) I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I remember high school being hard enough, and the immaturity of the age group. Having such a thing publicized in the paper had to nightmare. (I've shared this experience but by 1 man, and one reason I didn't report it was due to the fear of everyone in my small town finding out..... basically fear of exactly what you had to go though after it'd been reported.<br />
2) I'm 22 years old, and going to a University. However, I too feel like I should be going out more, partying more, but choose to isolate myself b/c I feel so depressed. I just reject everybody, and always want to be by myself. I've had to take 3 medical withdrawals in the past from school as well. So I know what that's like to be out of school. Basically, all of your beliefs & feelings you;d posted about yourself - I either feel, think, or had previously thought them towards myself too. So I definitely can relate. Posting this in the "I need someone to talk to" group - please don't hesitate at all to inbox message me. Maybe I can help you to see some of the brighter days ahead, or at least listen and make you feel a little bit more hopeful.