Why Am This Way? How Can I Change?

I am a terrible person, I'm mean and selfish and spiteful and I don't really know why. When I get really angry, I think about killing myself, not because I want to die, but because I want to spite my family and friends. I'm suffering and I want them to know it, but no matter how hard I try, I just cant seem to get the words out of my mouth. I'm 20 years old and I don't have a true friend, I don't have anyone I can talk to, no one I truly trust. So I keep everything inside and suffer. I think if I could just talk to someone, tell them how I feel, then I could begin to understand why I am the way I am and hopefully I can change and become a better person. 
Natie Natie
18-21, F
2 Responses May 23, 2012

You're welcome. =]<br />
I suppose we all have a tendency to blow up our "flaws". We all judge ourselves too harshly. But acknowledging our problems is the first step in solving them right? <br />
You know, I used to be really bottled up too. People might of even said I was cold. I hardly even spoke at all, let alone about my problems. A big part of me coming out of that had to do with my self worth. After gaining some confidence in myself and realizing that my emotions matter just as much as the next person is what helped me get out of those habbits. And give yourself some wiggle room. We all mess up here and there. It doesn't mean you're a bad person.

That's great. How'd you go about gaining self confidence?

Honestly, I didn't have any significant change until after I had my baby. I guess it just put things into perspective. It's not about me anymore, I have to be strong and successful to give my son a better life. Of course I wouldn't recomend having a child to solve self-esteem issues, haha. Also, just getting older. Gaining wisdom and insight...

I don't know to what extent your mean, spiteful and selfish behavior go. Nor do I know enough about you to offer any real advice. I'm having to deal with a girl lately who I would consider to have those same characteristics. She comes off as very arrogant, but I know that deep down she is very insecure. Do you think you have problems with self-esteem? Is there someone in your life who is very critical or judgemental of you? There are 1 million reasons why a person might feel and act this way. You have to dig deep and find the source. And then make it your mission to become a better, more caring person. I work on myself everyday. Think about how you can make someone smile rather than putting them down. Really, i feel like i could go on and on. You can talk to me about this if you like, maybe together we can figure this out. =]

I wouldn't say I'm arrogant, but I do think I'm really insecure. I think a lot of things in my life have contributed to the feeling that people are always judging me and even though I know that this may not be true, it doesn't change how I feel.

As to my mean, spiteful, selfish behaviour, I don't think its anything big, but it's the little things that really count right?

I think one of my major problems is my inability to communicate my feelings to anyone. I've tried, but the words just get stuck in my throat and they refuse to come out, so all my emotions get bottled up and this results in me lashing out at the people I love.

Thank you so much for your comment. It really means a lot to me that someone out there is taking the time to listen to me and actually responding to what I have to say. So again, thank you.