I Am Lost

All my life I only aspired to be anything but 'just like my mother.' I feel like that is all anyone ever compared me too, like i was never my own person until i was anything but her. Mother hasnt always been there for me and my brother, a good portion of our childhood she was off at another state. She came back at some point, ofcourse, but our relationship with her is exactly the standard mother child thing. Through high school I just tried not getting pregenat. I dated many people, but I didnt have sex. She was always stressing how bad sex was and the such, everyone was. When graduation came around I just wanted to go to college, something I thought she didnt go to (I found out later that she did, but never graduated) Once in college I stopped. I was here, what more did I have to do. I didnt want to go to college. I wanted to write, finish the book I had started in highschool. If I was going to college I wanted to study the stars. But teachers at school quickly slapped that dream from my mind.

Its been a rough road since. And I though I was doing great until my best friend decided not to be my friend, that semester I had failed every class. I didnt go back the next, I was hollow. The following spring, half way through I found Calypso, she is a 105 pound mastiff, and i love her more than anything. she brought me out of the hole that was threatening to push me to suicide. I changed my major to teaching, I figured it would be the second thing I would love to do since many of my most aspiring adults in my life were teachers. But how wrong could I have been.

I dont know what to do, i really dont. I feel so lost. I spent all this time not being her that I never found myself. I cant get that 2.5 gpa to get into the program, I work my *** off and barely make my own bills, and feel so guilty not being able to take some load off my grandparents by giving them money. I feel like i have no one to talk to, i feel like i have no direction, and honestly if it wasnt for my dog I would have drowned myself in the shower already. I have let so many people put so much expectation, rules, do's and dont's in my head that i am not sure what is my own decision and what is theirs. Now i sit here in fear of never acomplishing anything.
ashlygomez ashlygomez
22-25, F
2 Responses May 23, 2012

I feel that if i go to a counselor..... I feel like my problems are more deeply rooted than what I want to believe. I have thought about going to the phycologists at the university, but I am afraid, I have never talked to anyone about anything that bothers me. This post today was completely not my usual thing...

I want to help you however I do not know where to start. There are many professional counselors available to you on a sliding scale. Also check many of the colleges close by that have psychology departments, that have students learning to get there degrees (all overseen by a license counselors). Checkout your community hot lines for referrals. Send me an email if you want to write.