I Just Can't Deal With This Anymore
I have recently come to terms that the man that I am with is a Narcissist, the sad thing is throughout our entire relationship I had secretly questioned whether he was one or not, I'd like to think that I'm a fairly smart woman - with a knack for sniffing out "bad people" with less than appealing characteristics. Although, for some strange reason (I believe it was because I was drinking heavily and quite self-involved, disconnected from my family and just the fact that I was naive in thinking that I could hide the truth from myself) I didn't want to admit that my inner voice telling me "he is a narcissist get out now!" was not enough, I just kept hiding those feelings and focusing on the good. My relationship went like this, met him while he was "casually" seeing another girl, told me he wanted to see me - wanted to be intimate with me and lied to me about still seeing her (wanted a grab bag of women I suppose), fast foward to about 6 months later before I leave to go out of town and he tells me that he wants to be committed to me since we had spent all summer having fun - and yes being intimate, he also mentioned he was scared to lose me since I was going on vacation (for only 4 days) by myself, he then "locks me in" with promises of commitment, while I am gone he calls this other woman takes her out, leads her on, and sleeps with her. I arrive home not hearing from him for 3 weeks, until he runs into me tells me he wasn't ready for commitment and apologizes for his previous actions, this man is QUITE charming, yet very insecure and I was warned by others from the start but didn't choose to listen. Fast forward to 4 months later and we are committed and things are fabulous! I finally felt like I met the man of my dreams, yet he slowly starts revealing himself to me telling me that he likes seeing my vulnerable because "it means we are getting more intimate" as he put it - yet uses those things against me and makes fun of me. A year later we move into a house together and things are great as soon as we move in he starts chatting with the same woman from the 2 previous scenarios saying he wants to "jump her bones and meet up with her sooner rather than later" yet denies it until I present him with solid evidence and still says he was drunk and had no REAL intention. He takes my words and uses them as apologies, telling me what I want to hear, he was never close with my family never wanted to be, brought me into his world and would show no real concern for my. He is a wonderful actor, who is so sweet and charming on the surface yet speaks ill of friends and loved ones when they are not around, his father is verbally abusive and recognizes this yet has no real idea that he is the same way! After leaving him he promises to get better and then when I agree to work on it turns around and shuts off the sweetness. While living with him I felt so distanced from him, he would come home and go through what I felt like he thought were the motions of what a "loving live in boyfriend or husband" should say after a long day, there were promises of more intimacy after we moved in together yet that quickly faded and it became all about his needs, I felt so alone so trapped, and my self-esteem was in the gutter. I've done the hardest thing, the thing I NEVER thought I would do and that is leave him yet I still suffer from an enormous amount of anxiety having break downs, my therapist says my reaction to this as of late has been much like an addict - I have moments were I cannot seem to live without him for a day - as if I have lost an vital organ. It disgusts me that I let another human being who claimed to love me dictate my life, and tell me lies to keep me around so I could be his "Narcissistic Supply". All I want to do is know, when will I finally feel better, where can i get constant strength in my moments of weakness, this man is not young, and my therapist warned me this is a tremendous flaw in his emotional DNA, it cannot and will not be fixed - his selfishness is a life long cross his partner will have to bear. I used to have goals and dreams and he sucked them dry, I catered to him all the time (which I know is where my fault in all of this lies). There came a point after living together that he was just too calculated and I made my move and am on the road to repairing my relationship with my family and friends and getting back to my dreams, I know I will be happy and can find someone who will HONESTLY and TRULY love me for ME and provide an equal amount of give and take. I still struggle with one thing though, will he be different with another woman or are people like this just doomed to repeat the same damn pattern. Thank you for listening.