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Need A Change

Almost 5 years ago I followed my dreams and moved back to England after growing up in North America. I shortly met my ex and was in a long term relationship after I moved here but that ended over a year ago.

Now, after considerable time getting over him and rebuilding my life, I am very much alone here. I've tried so hard to meet new people and make new friends but all my relationships fell apart. I've joined groups, took courses, and everything in my power to meet people. The "friends" I have made here have different interests/hobbies than me so we don't have anything in common or relate. I always feel out of place. They are also in a different place than me, living with their husband/boyfriend, traveling, happy. I'm miserable, single and live alone with no social life.

I've tried meeting guys from online dating, but not having much luck either. The ones I fell for always had someone else and ended up with them. And I rarely feel good enough. My ex from that long term relationship cheated on me with several girls, was controlling and physically abusive towards the end of the relationship. (During this time I had to deal with it on my own because I had no friends or family near by to support me.) Because he was such a control freak I never made my own group of friends so it was difficult to pick up the pieces without support. I am definitely over him but still unable to forget everything that happened. It has taken me so long to trust anyone again and have faith in society. Sometimes I get upset and feel insignificant, and it doesn't help with the way my life is going.

After work, I sit isolated and alone surrounded by these 4 walls. I have no friends, no immediate family or prospects here. I have thought about moving away but the start of a new life is quite daunting as I've had to move three times in the last couple of years and can't afford a big life change.

I've been having a lot of dark days and been feeling depressed for months. I've been unable to shake this feeling. England has so much to offer when it comes to festivals, events and gigs throughout the country, so sadly I either go alone (because I have no on to go with) or I feel like I've missed out on a great opportunity. Sometimes doing everything on your own gets lonely and tiring. The boredom always sets in and that's all I feel, all the time, everyday. It sucks watching movies at the theatres on your own, going into London on your own, going to live gigs on your own. But I wouldn't leave the house otherwise.
I really crave a group of good friends I can trust and companionship.

On weekends I try and make plans with the girls just to get the brush off or no response. I think "there must be something wrong with me" as no one seems to care or even cease to know I exist. I keep telling myself somethings got to give. I ask the Universe all the time to give me something, but nothing has changed and it's almost 5 years of being here. And it's not the lack of me trying either.

I'm so down all the time because I'm bored and on my own a lot. I even feel left out at work and the only person I get on with there is leaving soon. Work keeps me busy and without a steady job and my own flat, I have nothing. I'm pretty homesick. I know you might suggest moving back there but so much has changed, I don't think there's much of a life for me over there anymore. All my friends have bought property, cars, married, kids. They too are in a different place than me.

I'm almost at the end of my rope and wish something would give already. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. I have no one to talk to and no one who understands. I'm not getting any younger and just want to be happy. I believe everyone deserves happiness so why is it difficult for me to obtain?

Sometimes I wish I just had someone in my life and someone to talk to.
applej10 applej10 26-30, F Jun 12, 2012

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