Stress...I feel drained and empty right now. I'm not all that depressed...I just feel like I've got nothing left to give to people ya know. My mom always does this to me. I've been doing just fine. I've been really happy and I've been feeling better then ever. I'm doing well for myself...depending on myself, I finally felt like I was heading in the right direction in life ya know. And then my mom starts her garbage. She made me a promise...like and idiot I counted on her...and like she always has she let me down....again. It hurt so much...it was like a slap in the face. It wasn't even over anything really important but it's just the fact that she's doing everything all over again. I've never been important enough for her ya know...I've never been good enough. I did everything I knew how to be the best daughter I could be and she did everything in her power to make sure I knew I wasn't good enough and that I don't matter enough. And to have her let me down once again...to have her back out on me once again...it just crushed me. She played one of her famous guilt trips on me and even though I know I didn't do anything wrong...it still leaves me feeling empty and so drained ya know. We got into this huge fight last night...and ever since then I just can't get myself feeling right again. I fell apart yesterday and I can't get myself back on track again. I was so angry and hurt...I wanted to really tell her some things...so many things that I can't ever bring myself to tell her ya know. She's trying to convince me there's something wrong with me. She said, "I don't know what happened to you in New York but if you think you can come back and talk to me like this you've got another thing coming." I wasn't mistreating her...or talking to her poorly....but that's how she twisted things. Like I said in my blog...she's a master at this manipulation stuff. I hate to say it but in all honesty my mom is the only bad thing in my life right now. And what makes all this worse is I'm not in the mental state where I can handle any of this crap she's putting me through. I feel really stuck. A good friend of mine recommended a vacation from her...but how do you do that? How do you take a vacation from your mom when she lives 30 minutes from you and has your siblings that you love like they were your own kids? And besides...if I stop talking to her for any given time she's just going to find a way to use that as more ammo against me...but I can't live like this. I can't have her jumping in my life and destroying everything with her garbage. I don't know what to do anymore.
pepsi21addict 21-25, F 39 Responses 5 Apr 19, 2007