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Stress...

I feel drained and empty right now. I'm not all that depressed...I just feel like I've got nothing left to give to people ya know. My mom always does this to me. I've been doing just fine. I've been really happy and I've been feeling better then ever. I'm doing well for myself...depending on myself, I finally felt like I was heading in the right direction in life ya know. And then my mom starts her garbage. She made me a promise...like and idiot I counted on her...and like she always has she let me down....again. It hurt so much...it was like a slap in the face. It wasn't even over anything really important but it's just the fact that she's doing everything all over again. I've never been important enough for her ya know...I've never been good enough. I did everything I knew how to be the best daughter I could be and she did everything in her power to make sure I knew I wasn't good enough and that I don't matter enough. And to have her let me down once again...to have her back out on me once again...it just crushed me. She played one of her famous guilt trips on me and even though I know I didn't do anything wrong...it still leaves me feeling empty and so drained ya know. We got into this huge fight last night...and ever since then I just can't get myself feeling right again. I fell apart yesterday and I can't get myself back on track again. I was so angry and hurt...I wanted to really tell her some things...so many things that I can't ever bring myself to tell her ya know. She's trying to convince me there's something wrong with me. She said, "I don't know what happened to you in New York but if you think you can come back and talk to me like this you've got another thing coming." I wasn't mistreating her...or talking to her poorly....but that's how she twisted things. Like I said in my blog...she's a master at this manipulation stuff. I hate to say it but in all honesty my mom is the only bad thing in my life right now. And what makes all this worse is I'm not in the mental state where I can handle any of this crap she's putting me through. I feel really stuck. A good friend of mine recommended a vacation from her...but how do you do that? How do you take a vacation from your mom when she lives 30 minutes from you and has your siblings that you love like they were your own kids? And besides...if I stop talking to her for any given time she's just going to find a way to use that as more ammo against me...but I can't live like this. I can't have her jumping in my life and destroying everything with her garbage. I don't know what to do anymore.
pepsi21addict pepsi21addict 21-25, F 39 Responses Apr 19, 2007

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As parents, we tend to "give what we got." Might look at your mother's childhood and see what was there. If she truly loves you - and you know if she does when emergency situations arise or displays of appreciation on holidays, she may be worth keeping around. However, if she is a relentless shrew, move to another city and screen your calls. She is your mother but just because she is your mother, she is not given the green light to be rude, emotionally abusive and disrespectful. That has an impact on our self esteem and future relationships. Believe me when I say that others who come around you and your family will pick up on the attitude your mother has and it may make them pull away from you, because no one wants to be with a reject who is unaware of being rejected. If she is toxic, create your own family and pull back from her. Words are not able to express to a mother: "When I feel my absolute worse, it is because of you."

Personality disorders are rarely resolved.

Hi there.
I have been in a similar situation. Its really remarkable how much (even at an older age) that we crave the acceptance and love of our moms.
My mom is an alcoholic. She has been for as long as I can remember. Her and my dad split up when I was in my late teens when my two sisters were very young. So I understand the problem of trying to avoid your mother but loving the kids like your own.
Through the years my mother and I have had it out many times. I am not a fighter. I dislike confrontation and my mother feeds off of it. So I made the decision to back away from her slowly.
More and more I would distance myself from her, only seeing her when she would call or on holidays.
I love my mom. But her problems were not getting better, and even after an intervention and trying to be there for her, I was told that I was pathetic and she would never want to be my friend so that I should stop trying.

I'm still not really sure what is wrong with her.. but I have given up trying to make her problems my problems. I love my mom. She's still my mom. And that is something you will always have to live with as well.
But you do have the option of backing away. Your siblings will still be there. You don't have to leave them. Be there for them.

It's not an easy process, so I wish you all the best.
-A

Thanks for sharing. You are a smart woman. Just don't fall into any of the same fears as your mom. She has been treating you this way all your life, and you may feel rejected at times. If she manipulates you, it is to get something that she feels she needs. Or she has personal fears that she lives with, we all have to overcome fears. Maybe fears concerning your well-being, or her own guilt. We fall into patterns of unhealthy thinking that keep us in our hang-ups. We have to get counseling, even if is from reading books. We have to admit our needs, take care of our regrets, forgive ourselves and allow God to humble us. Life can get better. You don't need you mom's approval to feel good about yourself. She doesn't have to define you. I think you are very intelligent and thoughtful. You can be a great influence on all you family. God has great plans for you.

Do what you think is going to be the healthiest decision for you- and if that involves moving, or just packing up and taking a sudden vacation out of no where, then so be it. It's not your mom that needs healing and relaxation right now- it's you. =D
Stay strong

wow feels like I wrote that, pre my mom disowning me smh.... i hear ya... keep your head up and from one child of a difficult probably damn near impossible mother to another, we only get one... try to keep it as together as possible cuz lord knows I miss my momma suttin fierce n she two hrs away n I can't work and got no way to her and no money n my sibling I love n miss live w her... **** sucks... so when u see ya mom.. hug her baby and start 2013 off fresh and blessed and have her try to understand you. If not, focus on you and let it go. Don't break your head getting others to understand you when you got work to do on yourself luv.. xoxo happy new year blessings and love to you

Be yourself, find your support , keep treating people well,
Write a letter to your mom is one of the best options :) express your feelings in the letter ! "keep smile!

i think you should write a letter to your mother.

No one should treat you poorly. I found it is sometimes easier to write a letter and let your siblings know you love them. I'm sure all will be OK but you need to take care of you.

At some points, you have to just say **** her. If she's going to repeatedly hurt you, what kind of a woman is she? But, at other points, she is your mother. Let the little things slide and talk about the big things. No sweat!

((((hugs)))) Whatever decision you make, whatever you do from here on out is the right decision at the right time. Trust yourself...know that you are strong and incredible in your own right.. You do not need someone to validate the person you are and the person you will be. People are who they are and not who we want them to be. She has her journey and you have yours. Know you are loved.

At first u should be patient because at the end she,s ur mother and u can,t change that .

Maybe she,s stressed about something u don,t know and u,re the only one that she knows u can handle her .

But the only thing that I,m sure about it that she loves u from all of her heart because there,s no mother in the world can ever hate her children

My mom lives to bring me down, she is 88 and still manages to do it...she has lived her life to make my life suck.... what can you do?

Sound like your mom has a lot of problems. She obviously takes it out on you, but that's because she's not good enough to deal with it herself. It might sound hard, but sit her down one day when she seems happy and not hostile, and tell her that she's hurting you when she gets out of controll. One of two things will happen;

She'll decide she doesn't like what she's hearing and start mouthing off to you, in which case you don't have to take that ****, just walk away and leave. As a last resort type thing, think up something that would really hurt her, and if you have to say it.

Or she will say sorry and maybe open up to you. Just try to comfort her because she may start talking about what's making her act out.

Good luck,

James B.

i am 11 i am am so sad help me

Are you okay? What is wrong?

A relationship - a happy relationship - is one where BOTH bear the responsibilities they have towards one another. Your mom is being very selfish and is shirking her responsibilities towards you. That being the case what you have is a toxic relationship one from which nothing - and I mean NOTHING - good can come from. If she insists on not getting any type of help whatsoever then you need to move on and surround yourself with those who understand that a happy relationship is not just about taking - it's about GIVING too. All the best! :)

We all have imperfect mothers. You just have to deal with it the best you can.

im here for you!wanna know one who has messed up alot? me.but im worth everything-so are you! what exactly is wrong?other than your mom being nosey?guess what?im 40 yrs old and mom still trys to tell me what to do.i moved out with my bf last yr.now i have been married twice and divorced twice and my mom tells me how the bible says its wrong for me to live in sin!!!!!for once in my life im happy!she aint me.you can be stern with your mom without being disrespectful.

This may be hard to hear, but please bear with me:



I have dealt with many people in my life who don't seem to understand the stress they are putting on me. No matter who the person is, family, friends, boyfriends, whatever, the best thing you can possibly do is to have as little contact with this person as possible. If your mother is choosing to be this way, you can still love her, but not like her behavior and distance yourself from it. Maybe spend holidays or short spurts of time if you can handle it, but mostly, don't have contact with her if she chooses to make you feel awful. Life is hard enough without having people in it who dump on you or treat you badly. Take it from someone who knows, who is about to turn 40-life is too short to be miserable. When you think about what she's said and done, try to focus instead on the good things and people in your life, listen to music, cry it out, write in a journal, but please, don't let her ruin your happiness!



With love,

Christy



P.S., If you ever need to talk and I'm not on here, my e-mail is christy6695@excite.com.

i understand completely. my mum is a mean, vindictive, evil little drunk of a woman. she physically, emotionally, and financially abused me. she is an emotional leech. i moved away from my mum and my sister,(who is the same, if not worse than my mum) and it was the best thing i could have done. apart from other issues that i have had to deal with, i have flourished from being out from under the "rule of dictators". trust me, even if you say something to her, she will never change. she will just twist it to make herself out to be good and make you out to be the cause of the problem. email me if you want to talk further.

This is good advise from FantasiaRealms, however, when I was in this position with my mom who also was a multiple personalty and would switch all the time, I wasn't able to vocalize all that I felt then. A cousin told me," she's a good aunt to me but to you she's a terrible mother. Don't put up with it. Stop talking to her and don't have a thing to do with her." This was the first time ever that anyone told me that I could actually stop having a thing to do with her. It never occurred to me.



For a whole year I had nothing at all to do with her. It was a lot easier since I already lived in a different state, but, after that year I started to miss her and I had friends pray for this relationship. I wrote her a letter telling her that I wanted to relate to her but I was afraid to send it because I didn't need another rejection. I kept it in my pocket for weeks. Then my birthday was coming and lo and behold I get a present from her with an apology letter telling me that she's so sorry for the ways she's treated me in my life. I was amazed and then I mailed my letter to her. After that point, she and I had a healing in our relationship. So, all I can say is: It is important to get away from an abusive situation and let God work it through. It';s tearing you apart and isn't worth it to continue to try with her at this point. Best wishes. Velvetflow .

Mothers do not know everything. Many of them (like my mother) tried to live their lives through their children. All it did was **** up their kids. Trust yourself. You have you and can count on yourself. Trust yourself. That is the problem with most people, they don't trust themselves. They put their trust into other people when they need to rely on themselves. You have a compass built in, God put it there for you. Rely on your inner compass to tell you the direction you need to go and then follow it. If you make a mistake, it is OK. It is part of life just keep on keeping on and you will find your path. Maybe your mother will get it and maybe not. It doesn't matter. She will get pushy and upset because you are not being her puppet. Don't give in to her. Just do what you know you need to do to take care of you. In the end, you are the only you, you've got! Be good to you.

i feel your pain my mom is the same way i still cant be around her for to long but i had to stand my ground with her when i was 17 years old it cause alot of problems and it still isnt sorted out but she knows i wont take her crap anymore

ur depressed

You are not uncommon having problems with your mother. I feel the same.

But its hard to tell your mother because that brings a lot of gult. So you are stuck between guit if you do and shame if you don't. So I guess they are the two ends of one problem.

The best thing to do it decide if you want to keep the peace because putting up with things does make you stronger sometimes or tell her. And if you tell someone and you do not get angry as well it's very good. So the best way to do that is to practice it before you say it by writing it down which you have done here so that is very good. I told my mother what I think of her behaviour and it freed me. Then I said sorry for any offence it caused but I stuck by my point that what she did was not right. I just did not get angry at all. I told her the truth. If you do it calmly it has far more impact on them. The are left thinking wow she's got this under control!!! You see?

need my drivers liscence :( I'm garbage without it

You are not alone as you can see from all the posts. I too have a controlling , maniipulitive mother, whom I have helped over and over. I have found that I can forgive her, but being around her for any length of time is not good for my health,. I become depressed, angry, and frustrated. Toxic people have to be around in small doses. She was never around when my children were small, she was busy. Now she has used 2 of my daughters to take care of her needs. I wish you the strength to do the best for yourself and turn a deaf ear to others that make you feel bad. If she calls you say you are not feeling well, or just taking a nap, or making supper, in other words be just too busy to run over there. I did tell my Mom how much she has hurt me...she turned it around when she talked to other people. I wish her no harm, but I don't think I can help her sort out her problems again. I think she did the best she knew how to do, but she has had so many mental problems, it distorts reality. She can put on a happy face to one person, be a hateful person to another, and tell another how sick she is and isn't able to do anything..all in a very short time. It is her way or the highway.

I felt as I read your story that my own daughter was writing it. I think she feels much like you do. I hear her say similar things. I'm not sure how things get so wrong between mothers and daughters. Maybe its a continueing saga, did she have a horrible relationship with her mother? I know that my mother was so abusive and toxic and we have been estranged for 17 years now and I feel certain that this strongly affects my relationship with my own daughter. I want so much for my daughter to see that she is not a disappointment to me, that she is, always was, good enough in every way, even during times when she didnt feel it. Maybe that's the real issue? that we cannot distance ourselves from our mothers enough to see that they are just flawed human beings like us who need and want our love and approval as much as we need and want theirs. I dont know if any of this helps you, but reading your story definitely has me thinking differently. Thank you.

There are times when we need to love "at a distance". I have been down a similar road with my mother as well. For me, meditation and giving myself permission to be happy were the first steps to healing my resentment, guilt and anger towards my mother. Counseling also helped. Do not allow her to manipulate you, I know it's easier said than done, but you have the right to healthy relationships. someone on this thread recommended "Toxic Parents", it's worth the read. But please, if you are feeling overwhelmed by your mother, take a mini-vacation from her. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

good luck

Whatever you do or don't do...be sure and do this, if you ever want your SELF back to anything good for you... TELL her exactly what you think of her. Tell her even those things that you would like to forget ever were a thought to you about her. Tell her everything. Be that respectful of your mom.



Watch her fall apart right in front of you. This is a grand opportunity for deep and lasting payback, to realise how cruel you truly are, how mean and vindictive a daughter you are truly... or how totally compassionate you have always been. And if you go to her, as she falls apart, you being her mirror now in a whole and new way she never imagined, causing her to look at herself through the eyes of the daughter she's worked so hard to keep down beneath her, at a daughter that refuses any longer to set herself up for such shame and disappointment from her own mother who should only ever love her, protect her, and teach her that she can be absolutely anything in this whole world, if she puts her mind to it, because she is her daughter, and she is beautiful...



Imagine the love in a room at that moment... imagine it...



I remember it, because I did this with my mother once, and that's how I know.



I can only hope now that my advice will be taken, and that you will find it to be true for you also.