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I Have No Title...just A Thought

I am seventeen years old and I am trying to discover who I really am. About a month ago, I decided to become a vegan, and I have been fulfilling my duty until today. My mother is diabetic and so I cannot talk to her because I am afraid of causing her any unneeded problems or issues. I suffer from a very nasty condition of extreme discontent with myself. I hate every part of my body and I do not know why. I am not exaggerating, and I know it is odd. No one in my family understands me and they see me as a bother. If no one responds to this, its fine, I guess. I think all I needed to do was make it all known. I am scared. I am a coward. My sister watches television and my father works. See, many things changed once I met this young man who I will call HE. HE changed my life and was the only thing that kept my mind happy. But, He was a heroin addict, yet I loved him despite his follies. HE was a good man, but when he realized that his love was slowly killing me, he told me he had to go. And so...HE left. I don't dwell on his memories. I move on, but that doesn't make things any easier. My parents don't know how hard it is to be a woman, a seventeen year-old girl who must wear make-up every day just to be accepted by the "right' people. They don't know how my stomach hurts when I starve myself just to look "pretty." Yes, I envy. I envy all those women who are naturally thin. I am sorry if this sounds selfish, but I need to let this out. I've loved men who won't even look my way, and they don't know how much it hurts me, how much it rips through my skin and heart. To know that if I looked just a bit different, they might just speak to me. Yes, I lust. I tremble when men speak. I just want someone to talk to, because I miss HE so much, and life just takes those beautiful things away when you need them the most. I am scared of getting fat. This trivial yet intense fear. I don't know where it comes from. My mother hates those fat people, she laughs at them. My sister is overweight and my mother constantly criticizes her. My father is a shallow man who cannot deal with household problems, because he has a business to manage. This is my thought. Thank you for reading, that is, for listening.
Chekhov836 Chekhov836 16-17, F 1 Response Jul 23, 2012

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I don't know if you like to read but... Ellen Hopkins is an amazing author, her characters are incredibly relatable somehow even if you aren't in their situation exactly. Anyway... I think you could really connect with her book "Perfect"....if you wanted to check it out (it's an awesome book)

Wow...I actually do enjoy reading. Thank you for the comment, and I will definitely check out this book. My username is actually Chekhov83, in praise of one of my favorite authors, Anton Chekhov. Thank you so very much again for responding. I hope your are living your life out well. Bye.