I Need HelpI like girls. I've admitted that to myself since middle school. I just can't tell my family, especially my parents. I can't take the idea of them disowning me or something. They've done it before to others so that's why I'm afraid. I've told a hand full of people that I like girls and it felt good, but they were friends that found out on their own and my one family member that is gay and he went through coming out of the closet. I thought he would help come out but we don't talk about it much, or at all for that matter.
Anyways, the reason I am writing now is because I can't get this girl out of my mind. She's cousins with this chick my nephew is dating. We all went camping as a family one weekend and that's when I first laid eyes on her. Ever since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. And just yesterday I saw her at her cousin's bday party but I don't think she remembered me so we didn't talk. It didn't help that I was on my way in after working all day and she was minutes from leaving. Every time she's on my mind I smile like an idiot. Every time she's talked about or mentioned I smile. Every little thing that I found out she likes by making idle conversation with people around her that included her in the conversation I remember. Her likes make me think of her and they are now my likes.
The sad part of the story is when I found out two things: she's under age and she has a boyfriend. I'm almost out of college and she's in her junior year in high school. But I don't care because its not about sex for me, I'm still a virgin for crying out loud, I just want to be able to talk to her, hang out, and hold her hand or cuddle when she needs someone to hold her. I'm not too worried about her having a boyfriend because they fight constantly and are very on/off, plus he's a bit abusive so I can be her light in all the dark he covers her with.
I want to message her, text her, call her but every fiber in my body tells me "let it go, she's straight, it's not worth it." But I think she is. Even if I have to be her friend for the rest of my life, as long as she knows that I like her and that she's still willing to be my friend, I'd die a happy woman. I need help in figuring what to do next. Should I just let her know how I feel? Should I let her know that I like her in a secret admirer sort of way? Should I admirer her from afar like I am now? I don't know what to do because I want to tell her and then I don't at the same time. I need helpful opinions before I cry myself to sleep every night.