Confused

[DISCLAIMER: I do not mean to offend anyone with anything I say. Whether it is Christians or the gay community or church community. I am indifferent on my views and confused.]

I've recently become a Christian.
I've always loved God and believed in God
but now I am dedicated to him on a whole new level.

But this isn't what I'm confused about.

I'm confused about my sexuality.

The church I go to often segregate women and men
So I have to spend a lot of time with girls
I'm not used to it.

Before I became a christian
I labeled my self as pansexual
(look it up on Wikipedia if you don't know what it is)
And I still do think of myself as pansexual...
but my church and the bible I guess...
says homosexuality is an abomination to God
it is detestable. It is disgusting.

Their attitudes toward sin is so extreme
I don't know what to do...
I feel like I can't talk to them about this.
Even about cutting...they say pretty much you're possessed by the devil
(cutting is another thing I've struggled with--but not the issue right now)

I mentioned something about homosexuality to my youth pastor
not in the context that it seemed to be about me...
but she flat out told me
"We have compassion for the homosexuals, but no tolerance."
"Homosexuality is an abomination...as the bible says."


Well then...What am I supposed to do now?
There is no way I could bring this up to her after she said that.

I prayed to God...
Asking him...
If this is wrong, if this is a sin...
please show me, please tell me, let me know
And if it is...take it away from me. Heal it from me.
If this is unacceptable. If this is a sin. If this is wrong...
But I haven't heard or seen anything.
Not something that feels like it's from God.

What she said to me...I didn't feel God behind it.
Even when I read about it in the bible 
I don't feel his "presence" behind it
But maybe I'm just wrong...
Maybe I just don't want to face it.

I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to the people at church
I can't talk to my family about this
and my one friend I could talk to about this...
Well she is my ex-gf and now pursuing God like me.
We hang out sometimes and its great
we talk about so many things...
anything and everything it seems and we never judge each other.
But in regards to our relationship it's just left un-talked about
almost like it never even happened...
And to top it off I think I'm in love with her.
I dream about her all the time...weird dreams
And I look at her strange.
I want to flirt with her and hold her.

I feel so confused.

I'm not a lesbian. Or so I keep telling myself.
I don't know what to do...this is overtaking me
Eating away at me even more since I can't talk to anyone about it

It keeps me up at night.

I feel helpless.
I want to run away.

I have so many feelings inside
What they would call "sinful" 

I want to hurt myself, cut
I want to cry all the time
I want to do reckless things
like smoke pot, party, drink and have reckless sex
I want to run down the street screaming
I want my friend. I want to embrace her. kiss  her. love her. hold her.
I want to run away and hide
Sometimes I want to die.

I don't know what to do. I just need someone to talk to...

[NOTE: I do struggle with depression, cutting/self-harm, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Avoidant Personality Disorder/Social Phobia--I am currently not seeing a therapist or on meds. I plan to go this week or next week to see if I can get a therapist and psychiatrist--although I am reluctant about both as I have had little luck with such treatment methods...still I will try one again.]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, even if you don't reply.
I hope you are doing alright, whoever you are...

TheCynicalOne TheCynicalOne
22-25, F
3 Responses Sep 5, 2012

you know you should watch this movie called ♥fish out of water♥ it might help you with your problem and understand things a bit better :) hope that helps :D ♥

ou are doing nothing wrong. Loving and desiring someone is a natural thing, whether your male or female. NOWHERE in the bible is written: marriage between a man and a man is wrong, or love doesn't go hand in hand with the same gender. Homosexuality is a part of nature that's also seen in the animal kingdom. Loving, caring is never wrong. The bible says : <br />
<br />
1 JOHN 3:18 TEV <br />
18 My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action.<br />
<br />
- Wherefore we are all human of God and should act on our kindness towards that one person. <br />
<br />
MATTHEW 19:19 NKJ <br />
19 `You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' "<br />
<br />
-We are all on this planet and try to make a living. If you don't respect people that didn't do anything wrong, you are being disrespectful to god and to yourself. Those people in that church are just afraid. Because people are afraid of things they do not know themselves. So please raise your head up, be a good person, help as much as you can. And NEVER think that love has exceptions. Because it's one word, and one meaning and it's for all of us.

How are ya ? I read your post and feel your pain if you still would like to speak I'm willing to take out some time for you can message me if you like.