I Ruined My Life And Am Hopeless

I ruined my life. I once was a promising college student who graduated at the top of my class. In high school I was accelerated. Senior year I took classes at local college. I was an honor student and very active in school activites. I was accepted into a really good university. All of this despite I grew up in a single parent home. My mother was 15 when she had me and subseqently became an alcoholic and was not there for alot of my youth. When I was seven, she had another child whom I subseqently was responsible for. I do not blame my mom for my troubles she is a wonderful lady who has become my best friend and confidone as an adult. After leaving for college, I was so ready to become my own person and live the life of a normal person my age. I was so busy running from my past that I did not think about my future. I did graduate with a fairly decent GPA(school always came easy for me, I did not have to study to make good grades), but it was a haze of weed smoke, boozing and partying. My major was political science because my dream was always to become an attornery and I continued to pursue this major despite two arrest for simple possesion of which I had one expunged. After graduation, I moved home and continue to drink and smoke heavily. I landed a decent job and maintianed this job through most of my troubles. It afforded me a decent life. I was able to get a car, my own place and to take care of my mother who by this point was ill and unable to work. Shortly after graduation I received my first DUI which was about ten years ago. I received my second two years ago. In the meantime I was deemed a habitual offender which carries a driver's license suspension of five years. It has almost been four. I still owe fines of about 1500.00. In this time I have not filed my tax returns for several years and I lost my job(which was the only thing I was proud of and successful at). Now I have moved back in with my mom since I can not afford to take care of two households and am current living of my saving which has dwindled down to 2500.00 and currently have no source of additional income, since I was not approved for unemployment benefits. I have been looking for jobs but nothing goes through. I am sure my sordid background has alot to do with this. I am willing to take anything at this point. I just don't know where to start. So many things wrong. I have always been resilent but this time I do not think I can take it. I do not know where to turn. I am all out of ideas. I feel like I am dying inside. Everyday I am depressed. If it were just me I wouldn't be so bad, but my mom is here. I take responsibility for my actions, I caused it all. My greatest fear all my life has been failure and that's exactly what I have become. I can't even began to pick up the pieces. I have no friends, noone to talk to. I feel so hopeless. I do not know what to do. I am so depressed. I have since quit smoking marijuana and alcohol but the depression makes me think about doing both. I don't need to be bashed because I have been bashing myself all this time. Just some comfort or a listening ear. I am ashamed of my actions so have not told anyone my whole story. This is the first time I put it all out there
ageishaxl7 ageishaxl7
31-35, F
2 Responses Sep 7, 2012

I moved out of my own place to save money. I recently filled out the fasa to attend school in the spring for my master's or certification to teach. I am listed with all temp agency and apply for jobs every day religiously. I Have had two interviews with one company but it has been over a week since i heard back. I have also reach out to collegues about job opportunities to no avail thus far. Today I Contacted the IRS to find out about back unfiled tax returns. I just feel trapped and don't know what else to do.

you are just doing like many others are doing right now

we have a lot of student in theis area in the same boat as we have a big education collage here for teachers

so what strps have you taken to trun your life around<br />
<br />
manyhave had to make the same choices