Can Such Misery Last A Lifetime

Well I am back again. I had at least two days were I felt remotely normal. That has faded now. I try to stay positive but my heart is so heavy and my mind is always racing. I can not concentrate on any one thought. It is driving me insane. Even when I try to push myself, I hear this voice in the back of my mind telling me I am going to fail and then I just don't try. I just want to scream. I am constantly imagining myself leaving everything behind, Clothes, car, family and running away to some remote place and not informing anyone. Since I am unemployed, that is not possible. I have been sad most of my life as far back as I can remember. Yes, there has been happy moments but the bad has outweighed the good. I am such a failure. I haven't been crying because I believe my tear ducts aren't capable of producing any additional tears. My family believes I am strong, but deep down where no one else can see I am weak. I don't have anyone to talk with. I keep asking myself, how much can one person take. The worst part of it all is that its all my own fault. No one to blame but myself. I used to be so strong and always saw the positive in life no matter what was going on around me. I think I broke that looking glass. Life has lost it luster and all I see is diaster and doom. I hate feeling this way but I do. I am 31 years old, no children, no significant other, no friends, no job, no license, no life, and no self-love. If you ask anyone around me, they would give you a totally different description. They may even say conceited, but its all a lie. This is because I have been hiding my entire life. I am a fake, a phony, a fraud. I don't know what I expect you folks to say but I feel as if I am having a heart attack daily. I do not know what else to do. Sometimes it is hard for me to even pray because I feel like I am not worthy of God's love and forgiveness. I have hit rock bottom and I know not literally because somewhere in the world someone has it worst.
ageishaxl7 ageishaxl7
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

I have a story of my own here and I hope it may inspire you. When I was a teenager I developed a feeling of being in a dreaded dream of doom. I wouldn't know how to even describe it to a shrink. In those days ( I'm 64 now ) you didn't dare get depressed because people thought you were slacking. This feeling of dreamy doom went on for years. I'd be afraid of going out for fear of being struck by lightning or a meteor ( sounds silly huh? ). Then one day I got this fed up burst of internal energy and joined the Navy. To my utter delight the dreamy doom feeling passed as quickly as it arose. I was for the first time in my life HAPPY. I made made many new friends and somehow because I was happy I developed a sense of humor and had everyone laughing where ever I went. They even copied my new language. Looking back I think it was my home life that got me dreamy doomy. My father was a raving alcoholic and made a shambles of the house ( this is astory in and of itself ) and beat my mom and used the most foul and degrading language. I couldn't have a girlfriend or bring my friends home because I was soooooooooo embarrassed. I didn't want anybody in the house for fear my father would act up. It was horrible, I did poorly in school despite having a high IQ. Ever since I left home I went from the deepest hole to being on top of the world.