The Monster Within

When something is broken, you try to fix it. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing something that's dear to you fall into pieces, you'll try to find out what went wrong, and how to make it right again. But some things are not so easily put back to function again, and the more things you try, the more realization dawns on you that this time you might not be able to fix it.

That's me. I'm at the brink of resigning myself to the fact that I am beyond repair, that life will never be what it could be. It sucks that I need people to help me out, but at the same time suffer from Body Dysmorphic Dysfunction (BDD), so that in the most trying times I am unable to see anyone at all, not even my family. How comes that everything and everyone in life has value, but I am just a worthless shell unless proven otherwise?

Yesterday I got a haircut. For most people that won't be something to fuss about, but I guess I'm not 'most people'. Right now I'm in a state of panic because I have to go to the uni on Monday, but people can't see me like this. Most people won't even notice that I've had a haircut, since I have to get one every 3 weeks to prevent a too drastic change (and the complete melt-down that follows). But again, I guess I'm not 'most people'. Right now I am tired, tired of having to go through all this again. Tired of losing hope that it will ever get any better. Tired of losing the dream of one day seeing my kids running through the heather, whilst their kite reaches for the sun.

It is weird, and sometimes depressing, to see people who have nothing struggle on and try to make the best of it, whilst I have everything yet want to go to sleep. Sometimes I dream it was me who had nothing, so no one would miss me when I'm gone. Always I dream someone would pick me up when I'm down, and tells me it is going to be alright. But so far that has been nothing more than what it is, a dream.

Sorry to bother you.
nomorenirvana nomorenirvana
Sep 15, 2012