Can I Find Myself

my husband an i both come from abusive childhoods. we have been married 10 years and some how i have lost who i am, i am angry most of thee time, there's no real laughter when hes around i feel dead, i cant find a hobby or an interest of my own, nothing appeals to me any more.
in the past he would belittle me for my intrust, i use to love medical terminology, be for we were married i took classes for dental assisting, he would tell people (she thinks shes a doctor) and growing up with a cruel father it didn't take long to break me, today i don't remember any thing i learned.
I had areal passion for growing flowers, but if he didn't kill them he would plant what he wanted in beside mine(nothing is mine) this year he put a maple tree in the flower bed.....we live on 20 akers!!!
I have expressed how much i need something i can call my own, i cant even get a drwar that he doesn't invade. i don't think he has ever heard a story Ive told because hes so anxious to tell his own although he dose that to everyone, interrupts them be for there finished talking so he can get his opinion out, he says if he waits he will forget what he wants to say.
he has lied to me so much and if i call him on his lie he finds a way to turn the tables on me, hes so good at it i don't know how he dose it, or if i push the subject of his lie he get angry an yells, now in ten years hes only laid hands on me once, but i had been in a abusive relationship in my 20s and ya learn when to shut up.
I guess I'm wondering if i can ever find myself again if i stay with him, we cant afford marriage counseling and he won't read any self help books.
I dont have any choice, but to stay with him for now. how do i stand??

swak83 swak83
41-45, F
Sep 18, 2012