Do I Not Deserve Happiness

Where do I begin? I feel like just finding love, happiness, belonging, and acceptance has been a struggle all of my life. When I was 18 months I was adopted by then I had already had two large scars on my face, for me to see everyday when I look in the mirror, curtosy of my abusive and neglectful birth mother. She beat me, left me with strangers to party, and denied me food and comfort. I guess a new family should have been the opportunity for a better life, but I came into the family with behavioral issues and faced more abuse. Before starting grade school my adoptive brother began to molest me, this continued until I was twelve. I tried to tell those that should have protected me, but I was never believed, or it was just too much for them to acknowledge. He left scars on my body too, one day he tied me up and threatened to cut my genitals for tellin the "secret", I kicked him, and he stabbed me in the leg. He left me there bleeding and eventually returned to bring me to the house with more threats if I told the truth. I only mention the scars left on my body because even though I forgiven sometimes my gaze fixes on them and the pain comes flooding back. Why did it stop an twelve? I realized the only person who would protect me was me. I started to run away, I would be caught brought home and do it again. This lead to years of foster care, group homes, mental hospitals, and sleeping where ever I could. Everyone wanted to fix me...they thought the problem was me. Counseling and tests to no end, this diagnosis and that diagnosis...none looked at the truth, my pain, and feelings of being so alone for so long. I was treated as though something was wrong with me. I hated myself, life, and everyone around me. All I needed was someone to love me, to take me in their arms and comfort me, see me when I cried, understand ME. Not punish me for a reality I lived in everyday that I could not change while they lived in their fantasy. My first suicide attempt was at eight years old with a plastic bag over my head...several more attempts followed. The last attempt I came so close to it being done with a bottle of pills, laying alone in a field. I swallowed them all...and then as everything started to spin and go black I wanted to live...I asked God to forgive me to let me live, despite the pain I was afraid to die alone. I threw up so much just after and soon a friend found me and watched over me that night. I am still here, and although there have been moments I wish it to be over I have kept my promise to God to not take my own life to allow him to choose my time. I was just so angry at the unfairness of life. From twelve until seventeen I was moved from one foster home to another, a runaway, or in some institution or another...everyone wanting to make me fit their idea of who I should be and discrediting who I really was, no one could see me past their own view of what I should be or believed me to be. By seventeen, while a ward of the state, I again realized that no one really had my best interests at heart. I had gotten a full scholorship to a prelaw school...I could work on my college degree while completing my high school credits...a great opportunity...but it was out of state and as a ward of the state my case worker thought it best that I not go. Soon after at the end of my junior year of high school I learned that my transcripts had been lost in all the moving from here to there and would have to re earn my freshman and sophmore credits....two more years of high school plus my senior year at seventeen...I ran away again, no more would others control my life if it was to be screwed up it would at least be because of my own choices. Maybe all of those years ago I should have just shut up about what my adoptive broither was doing and make the best of the life I had. It can be changed now so no use wondering. I did find a job at eighteen and became a successful manager for a loan company...I spent 16 years working for them. It was great in the begining I got recognition for my hard work and dedication and I made good money, but when the resession hit things started to change. I had difficulty with how my job was affecting others...I did hard collections and pushed loans on people who really had no business borrowing money at such a high interest rate. The company I worked for had such low ethical standards for themselves. They treated their customers like property and their employees worse. They demanded respect when they gave out disrespect. I finally left there with a dream to get my accounting degree to become a forensic accountant. I would use that degree to take down corupt business like Enron, Worldcom, and Bernie Madoff. I would do some good for society...for once. I should have stayed, by the time I left I had two large mortgages on on my home and another on my mother in laws. This was last year, I was willing to walk away from my home, it was getting tougher to make the good money I was before with the economy as it was, and walking away from my home meant I could still afford the payments on my mother in laws house. She had been calling for months saying how hard it was getting to get by and had wanted us to move back...it seemed like the best solution at the time..we took the leap, we moved in with my mother in law, to another state with no jobs yet. The plan was to live there in the house till summer when we would have new jobs and could afford her payments along with rent for our own place. Plans never go accordingly...within two months she wanted us out...stupid disagreements over little things...people wanting to have control over everything...having ideas and views of others that were never a reality...no one was happy, so much bitterness and anger. We were in the street the day after Thanksgiving, my mother in law had gotten a restraining order on my husband forcing him to leave the house, I could not stay there without him, she was getting so mean towards me at this point anyways. At this point I was left with the choice to live in the street and continue making her house payments or rent a place leaving not enough money to pay the mortgage on her house. My husband was so angry over it all he refused to pay on her house. He had been paying on it for years and remodeled much of the home while she allowed others to destroy it. She tore up the carpet of the floor, riped the wallpaper and trim off the walls, broken windows and holes in the floor you could fall through, black mold thick on the walls in the bathroom...the list goes on. Why were we paying the mortgage to begin with?....she wanted to get social security disability and could not have an asset such as a home in her name. She asked us several times if we could buy the house from her that it was my husbands (her son's) as much as it was her with all of the payments he had helped her with in the past and work he had done it. Our credit was good and we said yes. We paid of the 13k left on her motgage, and had been paying on it for years befor that. We had our own place at the time too and had finally found some land to move our manufactured home onto...we were promised lower interest rates. They (the mortgage company) stated we would need to pay off all of our debt first and convinced us to use her home (our name on the deed) to finance the payoffs and downpayment on the land. How stupid I was, why did I not say no? It seemed like a good idea at the time, the money was rolling in from my loan sharking job and with the real estate values going as it would we could refinance it all in a few years and her home would again be free and clear...that was in 2008. Our 250k investment(debt) went up to 300k value, and now it is all worth 120k. How could I have known it would all go to **** so fast? I thought I made the right choice to walk away from my home to save hers...but now I have lost everything..along with my self respect. In November it will be a year since she has spoken to me. She now knows that the home she kicked us out of that we owned is being forclosed on...I have less than a month until it goes to auction. I have been looking for solutions to this for months now. I feel lower and the lowest form of life, and they see me that way too. Sorry I can not fix it, I can not change my choices from the past, I am too ashamed to even ask for forgivness. I wish my husband and her would let go of their anger, that I could find answers for these problems....I feel so alone and maybe I should be...My choices in the past were made to find happiness, acceptance...and I just caused more pain unforgivable pain. I don't deserve my dreams, what could a low life like me have to offer? May God forgive me the pain I have brought on others through my greed and selfishness. I deserve to carry its weight the rest of my life...if only those I love did not have to suffer because of me.
NoForgivness NoForgivness
31-35, F
Sep 19, 2012