I Don't Know

I feel that throughout all my life I've been used, hated, and pushed away from. It all starts from when I was finishing the second grade. After I finished the approximate amount of days and meet all the requirements the School Board saw my medical records and discovered my disability. This disability I'm talking about is barely and I mean barely noticeable, my nerves are just a bit farther away than the normal person's is and in result I react to questions to the smallest fraction of a second late, it's not ADHD or anything like that heck I don't even know what it is and I'm 17. But anyway the School Board choose to place me in the Special Ed class and held me back a year. Let me tell you right now that I didn't even know I was held back until I saw my old friends in the 3rd grade class. So I not only got embarrassed by the school board I still didn't even prove myself that I was smarter than the Special Ed kids. They were nice and all but still my friends were getting a higher education while I was still learning the basics of the basics. It really hurt me to see them go to middle school in the 5th grade and I was really sad the rest of my grade school years. I was able to make new friends but they couldn't replace the original friends. Not only that I never really had much friends over after my grade school days. Probably because I live in a part of my town where no one really hangs out. It might seem like a minuscule concept but over the years I've grown apart from society and became kind of a sociopath, not that I hate society and people, I'm just not a social person and I resent things like parties and concerts. Over the years my parents found a drug that makes me react normal, its called Focalin or at least some form of it and I can't imagine another day without it. I'll admit there were days which I forgot it and was devastated but I still ventured through the day. When I started middle school I learned how it really feels to be bullied by all. When I day "bullied" I don't mean "I'll see you after class and beat you and throw you in the dumpster or locker" no I mean verbal bullying. I was condescended for my name being bisexual (I'm not going to make my identity public for privacy reasons unless I really need to) and I was called names and my personal favorite framed for throwing an airsoft bebe at the back of a P.E. teacher in result the whole class had to run a lap and pick on me. So I became less likable and sociable than I already was. My family then transferred me to another middle school where I gain a little popularity, until there was this rumor. The rumor was that I wrote a "death list" of the people who bullied me. This really stuck with me to this day but luckily people don't mention it anymore, but it still left a mark that can't be healed. I was still able to make new friends at least. I just want to say right now that in middle school I was smart when it came to academics. I always got an A and a GPA of at least 3.8-4.0. But then came high school. Now in high school, today I'm a Junior/11 grader, I still earn good grades just not as high as what I had in middle school, it's like a 3.5 or 3.6, but that's beside the point. I just want to say that the "leader" of my group of friends is a complete smart ***, and I mean smart. I'm talking about all A.P. classes with either an A or an A- smart. Soon he started to condescend me for who I am, not regarding my disability, he doesn't really know or acknowledge that, I'm talking about my religion, Judaism, my opinions, and that fact that I don't really have any friends at the same table where I eat lunch with them. He tells me "Shut up" in the most condescending way you can think of he also tells me that no one cares about my opinions or about what I think. So I did what he told me and I only talk to the people who I believe are still my friends whenever it's necessary. It really hurts to see people to condescend you succeed so well and not have any enemies but a victim which is you, and it's even worse when you can't take the same classes as they are because your career councilor said to wait until your senior year. Necessary in this case is when they ask me a question, which is now extremely rare. But all of that is just the beginning. At home I have a sister who is the epitome of evil. She always mocks me, tries to threaten me, and she even resorts to physical violence and even steals my lunch before anyone notices, but the worst part is that she is getting through school only because my parents allow her to study for upcoming tests that I took and compare my previous year's work to hers. As for my parents my mother is a depressed figure who takes her anger out on me because I'm the only one who's not domestically abusive. The real reason why my mother is depressed is my sister calls her fat and lazy and my father always sides with her. My father means well it's just that he is always at work, I don't have a problem with him being at work for long hours I mean if he's making money go for it, I won't resent that. I do resent that the majority of the time he is one sided I do speak up when my mother asks and he believes me. The problem is that now I am utterly alone and have nothing but the true feeling of depression and have thoughts of suicide every hour on the hour. I never knew the true meaning of love because I don't have a girlfriend nor did I ever and I doubt that anyone girl would want me as a boyfriend, and I would probably be the reason why we end the relationship because I'm not as social as a normal person should be; besides I also doubt that anyone out there will consider my issues. So on a daily basis I go through classes, clubs that I didn't want to do, condescending colleagues and an unhealthy domestic life. I am running out of ways to vent my frustrations and reading other people's stories and telling myself that if I kill myself I will miss out on upcoming things such as college and technology and so on and so fourth. Please help.