I Can't Explain What I Don't Know

Lately, I have been feeling upset. Upset with the world, upset with people, upset with me. Almost daily something gets me to cry, whether it is an unwanted memory of when my boyfriend practically broke my heart or the fact that I'm falling apart in school right now. Whatever the case may be, I always feel lost.

To truly describe some of these I need to share some background stories. The first one has to deal with my current boyfriend, almost for a year now, and how he practically broke my heart over the summer. Before we had started dating he was with this one girl for about two years, broke up with her in January, and continued on his merry way. For a while I was crushing on this guy. I have known him since freshmen year in high school, about 4 years, and since November 2011, we became closer than imagined. We never did anything that would constitute cheating on his previous girlfriend, hell I had trouble hugging the guy whenever he made me happy. Then one day, sitting in the music appreciation room with him and some other guy, I hear "We're not together anymore." That was my boyfriend referring to his recent break-up with ...her. I believed him to be my best friend at the time, and of course I had this crush on him, so once I heard those words I got excited in a way. The next month, February, I invited him to go to Pennsylvania for a weekend with my mother and I to visit some family friends. He tells me nowadays that he felt excited once I invited him because in some way he's been crushing on me too. On this trip, my mother and friend go out for some drinks and so he and I are left alone for a few hours just watching TV. Without even really noticing I ended up laying on his chest the whole time. We were laying down together, legs intertwined, my head on his chest, and I felt at peace with the world. Every now and then we'd look at each other, both with the thoughts "Just kiss him/her already!" but it never happened. The next day we're already driving home, and I felt for once courageous. I was leaning on him in the car and I kissed his cheek. Of course I was really embarrassed after that and so I buried my head into his chest, nervous about his reaction. A few minutes later I felt a kiss on my head. I don't know if it was my nervousness covering it up or the surreal feelings I had been feeling that entire weekend, but I had to ask him if he truly kissed my head because for the life of me I couldn't tell. And it all started there. Neither of us asked each other out that first day. We just felt together and added on the titles the next day. February 26th, we were together, finally.

Then small things began to upset me. The first time was when he needed me to look after his phone while he went to take an exam. Silly me was bored in class and I became curious about his texts because in the past month or so at the time I noticed he and that girl began texting frequently. I looked through some messages and saw one she sent saying "Do you still like me?" and he replies "yes". I felt broken and confused then. I put distance between him and I thinking what's the point if he still likes her. I will admit it was wrong of me to invade his privacy like that, but the next thing I did I thought was smart. I asked him about it. I apologized for looking but then I asked for an explanation. He explained to me that he took it as liking her as a person, not a girlfriend type, though he wasn't sure how she had meant it. Stupid little elementary school debate right?

After the texting thing, at the time I was a junior and both he and that girl were seniors. The seniors have a special trip every year and so while he got to go to Busch Gardens I was stuck at school hoping to hear from him. Within the same week a friend comes to me, telling me how a senior pointed out how close my boyfriend and that girl were that day. There were stories of them holding hands or on the bus he had kissed her cheek. Later that same day I pulled him aside, almost wanting to cry, and I take him into this room at the school. I couldn't look at him when I asked about it, I was too afraid of the answers. He told me that those things did in fact happen but not to the degree of which people described them. They didn't hold hands like a couple would, instead he held a couple fingers. And that kiss, well he did kiss her cheek. He then explained to me how depressed she has been and as he says it was because of him. He was trying to comfort her, to let her know that she'll be okay, and he reassured me that she knows that it's him and I now, that they are no longer. I believed him, still do.

Then... the summer came. The worst part. It was the immediate first two weeks of summer break and he had invited me on a trip to North Carolina with him and his family. I agreed, thinking we'll have yet another great trip together. On this trip my issues began with the texting. Everyday he and her would text each other, almost constantly, and I had to ask for his attention. Something I wouldn't a girlfriend would have to do. Then one day we're sitting up in his bed and he tells me that he has been thinking about her. That he doesn't know what to do as if he's suddenly been presented a choice between her and me. He worries about her well-being but he tells me (since this is about a few weeks after the first time he admitted he loved me) that he without a doubt loves me. I break down. I feel betrayed and lost. I'm suddenly the one that's depressed. Each night we would take a walk around this neighborhood, me crying and him confused. Yet somehow even after hours of asking questions about the whole situation, we'd end up sitting there talking about random things, and in the middle of crying he'd get me to laugh. But back to the days of going through this, I still felt depressed. I still hated hearing his phone vibrate, wanting to to destroy the one piece of hell keeping them in contact with one another. I wasn't interested in doing much and food had no appeal, because suddenly the one guy I ever felt right about loving was betraying me. And though nothing physical ever happened, I felt cheated on. She got attention that I wanted and so I began to hate her guts. Then one night, he leaves his phone inside and on one of our walks he and I sit at this bench together. As I sit there feeling so depressed with the world, he gets up and asks me "If I ruined all that we've had together, will you hate me?" I tell him immediately, the truest thing I could say, "I can never hate you." That was it. That was the answer he needed. And so he looks at me and says "I always imagined that the girl I would someday marry that I would ask her out. So, will you go out with me... again?" (Do keep in mind we never broke up) I weep a bit more telling him yes, of course. I then ask why that made up his mind and he tells me that the other girl would hate him if he stayed with me, and by me saying I could never hate him explained to him how much I truly love him.

A couple weeks after coming back from North Carolina, we're talking over skype and he seems distant, so I ask him about it. He tells me that he had finally told her his decision to stay with me. He begins to get upset and blaming himself for hurting her and breaking promises he's made to her. He cared... he cared too much. I began to get upset. I started crying again. I was laying on the floor of my restroom crying sending him a huge text basically saying "Here are the options: Break up with me and decide what you want to do and be single for a while or stick with me and we'll get through this". A minute later I send another text begging him to stay with me. He assures me though that he didn't want to break up with me, he didn't want to break another promise.

By then it should've been the end right? Unfortunately, it wasn't. They still texted each other. Not frequent, but frequent enough. I kept having the feeling that she got better attention that I had. I was getting fed up with it. There was that, and then my feelings in general. Almost weekly I would have a talk with him because I would once again get worried about her. I'd get jealous, or I'd just worry about something that had to do with her. I couldn't explain these feelings to him. I just knew something felt wrong. That anytime I would see her in person, though she was leaving for college soon at the time, I felt the worst discomfort in the world. The worst part was that he didn't understand why. How could he not get that the girl he was with for two years before me, and the same girl that I felt cheated on with, made me uncomfortable? Finally a couple weeks into this school year, at a marching band competition of friend of ours rambles about her feelings for her boyfriend and issues. She tells us how he stays up with this girl while she does homework to keep her company and how my friend feels jealous even though she loves and trusts him. Suddenly it clicks it my boyfriends head. He gets it. So I ask him to stop texting her, and he works on it. By the end of October he stopped. And only this past month, November 2012, have I gone so far to ask him to delete her contact. So he takes out his phone, and right in front of me he deletes it.

So everything should be good now right? But on the inside, yet again, I don't feel right. He was borrowing my laptop last night, was on facebook for a moment. When he's on facebook he always has the list of people on chat open. Even though I know that he doesn't actually go on facebook much and that she is never on facebook, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe that's why it was so easy for him to delete the contact. There are still other means to contact her with. From what I know though is that they haven't talked for a month now. And the only times he will think about her now is whenever I bring her up, because for some reason the ***** won't leave my mind! On top of that I keep asking him questions if he'll always be faithful and all that, because that's all I hear about anymore is that yet another person has cheated on someone. I swear it's not my fault when these thoughts come to my mind. First of all I've never really had a good influence in relationships. I've only seen the worst ones, like my parents. Second of all, I honestly have no clue where these thoughts or fears come from, they just suddenly appear and I never know how to explain them to him. I just want them gone. I want to be happy with him rather than worrying about things.

Now while I'm saying all of this, I must point out that he really is a genuine good guy. Aside from the summer dilemma, most of the problems I have created. He tells me everyday that he loves me, he feels beyond apologetic about what he has put me through, and he always reassures me how someday he'll have a ring on my finger and we'll be happy together. Forever and always. This is where I start questioning myself. Why do I get these sudden thoughts that he'll randomly break up with me? Why do I still feel so uncomfortable at the thought of that girl's name? Why do I keep imagining such impossible things happening like him cheating on me? What's wrong with me...? I even got jealous recently because I asked him if he ever looks at other girls. He told me yes, but he doesn't "check them out" or fantasize, he just looks. Yet, for some reason, I feel like my body is even more inadequate. I feel ugly half the time, and even while my boyfriend has difficulties keeping his hands away from my breasts, I hate them.

And those aren't the end of my issues. There's school too. I have fallen behind in half of my classes, I feel upset whenever I have certain classes because I'm not doing well in them. I keep stressing myself out beyond belief, get upset the works not done, don't get the work done, and then repeat. Everyday, I feel stuck. I don't know where to begin anymore. I'm in this thing called the IB program, and sure I'd like to blame it all on that but I can't. All I can blame it for is that it drives me mad because I really do want the IB diploma. I just don't feel like I can. Though it shouldn't, I think about how that girl got it. And then I look at others doing just fine right now, and I feel weak compared to them. Then I think about possibly dropping the program and just receiving the advanced diploma, and by being a senior I worry about what colleges will think. It just seems like whatever I do, I'll end up screwing myself over. I don't know what I want for myself.

I get upset about my house too. It's hell. It's messy, things are broken, I don't like my roommate, and I hate being here. We don't have the money to repair anything and so we don't have the money to move out. It just sucks being here after 10 years. I'm ready to leave already.

On top of everything I've been having uncontrollable crying fits weekly, almost daily. The only person that knows I'm struggling and has witnessed some of my worst fits is my boyfriend. He's what I'm working towards. A good life with him and so I want what's best. Every time he sees me cry he hugs me, tells me everything will be okay soon, and that I can do whatever. I want to believe him, I really do, but even as I write this I'm crying. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying. Like one time I was over at his house sitting on floor in front of the recliner he sits in. He asks if I want to play Halo with him, wasn't in the mood so I said no and he starts playing with our friends. Then all of a sudden I'm bawling. He leaves the game, and starts asking me why I'm crying. I kept trying to think of how to explain it, but truth is I don't know why I started crying. I don't know why I cry so much now. I can't explain what I don't understand myself!

I became curious about it. Decided to look up on Google reasons why I have been crying so much lately and the results upset me. Nearly everything said depression. I'd rather say I'm not and that things will get better eventually, but the more I think about it, the more I think I am depressed... I can laugh, I can smile, but I'm not happy right now. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with my boyfriend. He's my getaway. Then when he's at his house and I'm at mine, the separation gets to me. Though, that's not the only thing I don't think making me how I am now. I just keep crying and feeling so upset. I keep getting random bad thoughts about whatever, like him getting fed up with my emotions lately, even though he'll stick with me through whatever. I don't want these thoughts! I want them gone, but they come back, they get worse, or new ones develop. I don't know why... I'd rather not talk to a psychologist about it. I mean what could they do? Agree that I'm depressed, prescribe me anti-depressants, and then charge a few hundred dollars for being in his office for five minutes? No, just no. Other than that I don't know what my options are. When my boyfriend says things will get better, I really do want to believe him, but I don't always. I can't see past all these tears.

Like I said before, I don't know what I'm so upset about. I don't know why I cry so much anymore. I just know I want to be happy again, to stop all this crying. I don't want to feel stuck where I am. But how do I fix this, how can I get better when I don't even know what's wrong?
ScarredRose ScarredRose
18-21, F
Nov 29, 2012