Alone

Im feeling really sad and down and depressed and feel like I don't have a friend in the world. I feel like I am going to crack at any moment and it wont be pretty :/
holdencaufield01 holdencaufield01
26-30
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

It's hard to pinpoint really. Or to put into tangible or feasible thoughts, phrases, sentences...I can't make sense.
I feel so stuck. Nothing in my life seems to be going right. Ok, we'll almost nothing. I have a good strong relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. I've got that going for me. Other than that...I don't work...I'm out on disability due to my depression and anxiety and panic. So that causes $ woes, which then turns into me beating myself up because I did this.
I get scared I won't meet my $$ needs to pay for rent and utilities. I don't even care if I can't eat. I'm constantly wishing I wasn't alive. I'm wasting my life. I'm so scared of life. I can't enjoy it. I don't allow myself to. Why? I don't know.
I get angry when I hear about friends losing loved ones to disease or war because they probably want life. And it's being wasted on me.
I feel like this is all some big whiny sob story that people will think I'm pathetic because of.
But I can't make sense. I can't say it all. The whys. The how's. it just won't come out.

I understand where you're coming from. I've been out of work on disability for the same reasons in the past. I was engaged to married. Everything appeared OK from the outside. I was ready to end it all and almost succeeded. I felt just as you do. Guilty for not wanting to live when so many struggle to do so. Embarrassed for appearing weak. Disgusted with myself because I couldn't handle life with ease as so many appear to do. I wish that I could give you an easy fix to your situation. I ended abandoning my job. Left the state in an attempt to run away from my problems. Sadly, I couldn't run away from myself. I went back home to live with my parents after being independent for 12 years. I felt broken and defeated. I stayed in my old room for almost six months. My self imposed prison. The toll it took on my mother was unimaginable. I even cashed out my 401K and would buy my mother things. When she'd ask why I was doing these things, I'd tell her, "I can't take my money with me.". I wanted to succeed where I had failed before. My mother had me admitted which essentially saved my life. I went through lots of hardship and loss. But possessions come and go. They will come back. Thanks for your honesty. Get help. Whatever it takes. Don't give up! You're not whiny or being dramatic. Don't suffer in silence. Vent! Tell people that are willing to listen how you're feeling so that you can get the support you need. People care about you. You're not alone.

What's going on? There are people here that are willing to listen and share with you. Share a little more. You're not alone here.