I'm In Love With My Best Friend...but He's Gay.

Yeah, I know you think it's funny. But it is very real for me.
I spend almost everyday with my best friend. We have the same classes together, I sleep over often and we sleep in the same bed. We act goofy together, we cry together. He cooks for us and I listen to his problems. We've been best friends for years.
Sometime in sophomore year, he began to act strangely. I had a new boyfriend and I began spending more time with him. Sometimes we would kiss right in front of my best friend. Let's call him M. But I didn't think it would bother him, because we were just friends. It did though.
He started getting angry when I wanted to hang out with my new boyfriend over him. He would call him names and call me stupid and other names like that. We were fighting a lot and spending less time together. Finally after school, I called him and told him to stop, and when he gave me an attitude I said "Just admit it, you're ******* jealous." and M said "Yeah, I'm jealous? So what? Screw you." and we both hung up. I had no feelings for him. We were just friends.
Then me and my boyfriend broke up. It was very high school dramatic. blah blah blah. a few days later, M asks me if now that I'm single, he could kiss me. Me, being the sexually curious fifteen year old that I was, said sure, why not? He came over to my house every friday anyways, and we were usually alone. Plus my lips were feeling lonely.
So he came over and he told me to lay down on the couch. He got onto my computer and found a song that he liked, a lot, that he thought was romantic. He was nervous, I could tell. Then he layed on top of me and started to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back. He had both arms on either side of me and was kissing me hard. I was enjoying it, so I started sticking my tongue in his mouth, and he pulled away. I asked him why he stopped, and he said he had a ***** and it felt weird. I tried to get him to continue but he wouldn't do it. We never talked about it again.
After that happened, M started acting weird again. We were hanging out with a few friends, including a boy I liked, and he texted me saying "I like you." I didn't know what to say. I didn't feel the same way, because I had my eye on someone else, and I just didn't see myself with M. So I just showed my best friend the message and giggled about it.
The end of my sophomore year I fell in love. M and I started drifting apart a little bit once I was with my new boyfriend, but he had learned his lesson and didn't get as jealous as he was, or at least he didn't say anything about it to me. I heard from my friends he would talk crap about me and my boyfriend when we walked away from them.
I dated this guy through sophomore and junior year. But during the end of my junior year, something started changing. I was spending a lot of time with M again, more than just every friday and lunch time. We began to hang out a lot, being goofy, having a good time. I started looking at him differently. I would go through old pictures of us together, how we always looked insanely happy together, and how he would lean his head against mine. He became attractive to me. I was having dreams of us kissing. My boyfriend knew that M and I were very close, and he became very jealous. I didn't dare tell him I was starting to develop feelings for M. They already hated each other and fought for my attention. But I couldn't help it. I began having day dreams of M and me dating, him holding my hand and taking me out. I thought about how much of a gentleman he was, and what a great boyfriend he would make. I asked him once, why he never dated anyone. He told me that he didn't want to date during high school, because rumors circulate and everything it and it was just too complicated. I believed him.
M was a year older than me, and his senior prom was coming. He had no one to go with. All of our friends knew how "we" felt for each other. They rooted for us as a couple. Our friends told us, why don't we just go together? My boyfriend didn't want to go to prom that year, and it didn't make sense for M to go with anyone else. Plus, his mom was bugging for him to get a date. So I picked out a blue dress, and he bought the flowers, and we went to senior prom together.
It was a nice time. We went to dinner together and he drove his sister's car. Then at the end of the night, a slow song started playing. He asked me to dance. He hadn't want to dance all night, but we started dancing awkwardly together. He didn't like the songs that played because he said dancing like that was disrespectful to me. But now he was dancing with me to a slow song, and I noticed he was giving me a look. A soft, big eyed, I want to kiss you look. I diverted my eyes. As much as I wanted to kiss him, there on the dance floor, dancing to one of my favorite songs, I couldn't. I was in a relationship, and I knew someone would see us kiss, and my boyfriend would be furious. So I just lay my head against his shoulder and he embraced me. We danced together like that, holding each other with our heads on each other's shoulders. An incredible warmth filled my entire body and I felt breathless for a few seconds.
As he dropped me off at home that night, he yelled "Bye S, I love you!"
Senior year comes. I break up with my boyfriend. M is graduated. And I finally feel that we have our chance together! Look, it's perfect. He can date now that he's out of high school, and now I'm single. We already like each other, and it's perfect, right?
So one night I'm in M's room, and we're watching TV. It takes all of my courage to say.."So M, we're friends, right?" He says yes. Then I ask, "Do you think we would ever be more than that?" I'm turning bright red, and my heart is pounding in my ears as my mouth is drained of it's moisture. He turns to me, smiling, and says "I could see it happening. Soon." Then I say oh. And I start smiling. And I start laughing a little bit. He seems so happy saying this. I wonder when soon is. I gather my things and go home. When I look at my phone, he sent me a text that said "I love you."
So November passes. I'm waiting for him to ask me out. How will he do it? Will he kiss me first? Will it be a small, informal thing, or will he ask me out on a date? When will we tell our friends, who are going to be more than ecstatic that we're finally together?
Now it's December. I'm thinking maybe one of my Christmas presents will be a boyfriend. Maybe he'll kiss me under the mistletoe!
Nothing happens.
January passes. I'm starting to wonder why we still aren't together. I start flirting with him a little bit more, but he just kind of ignores everything. I start feeling weird coming over to his house. He hangs out with some other friends a lot, and I'm starting to get jealous, and begin feeling insecure. Did I mess something up? Did he change his mind? My conclusion to all of his was that maybe he is just shy, and he wants me to make the first move. But for some reason he keeps drawing back. I try to cuddle up to him, and he just moves away. I text him with flirty, happy texts, and he seems indifferent. I'm beginning to freak out now. Does he love someone else, is that it? Or is it just fear that I have more experience? WHAT is wrong with me?
I try to spend all of my time with him. He asks me to hang out and he ignores my messages, saying he is busy. Then, I ask him what's wrong. He ignores it. I tell him we need to talk about something. He still ignores me. This happens over a few weeks. Then one night, I drive by his house and park my car. I send him a single message "What's wrong? Why are you ignoring me?" and I do it 75 times over three minutes. Finally he replies and says "Jesus ******* christ what's wrong with you! Why are you sending me so many messages? I don't want to talk! I'm at work!" He's lying to me. His car is in the driveway. I become furious. I try to call him and he denies every one of my calls. He starts calling me a psycho ***** for coming over to his house, he doesn't want to talk to me and I'm clingy. He tells me to leave him alone, **** off. I'm being a ****** friend. I tell him I just want to talk to him because I'm really confused.
the name calling continues. It just gets worse and worse. I tell him that if he doesn't talk to me so we can sort out our problems, I don't want to be his friend anymore. He says he's fine with that. He hates me. I'm a crazy ***** who needs a boyfriend and is desperate. Now I'm crying in my car , confused and crying. He calls my mom and tells her to come pick me up because I'm acting crazy. I drive home. We don't talk.
A month passes. A friend and I stay out a little too late one night. His dad calls his other friends to see where he is at, and M texts me to see if our friend is with him. I simply say "He's safe, I just dropped him off at home. Goodnight." he goes off on me. He tells me what a ****** friend I am and how I made our friend's dad really worried. He starts calling me names. I tell him "It's okay to miss me. I miss you too." We talk. It's stupid. Really stupid. We make up and become friends again.
Months pass again. This time I've pretty much given up hope of ever making him my boyfriend. Somehow our fight with each other just made us closer. He swears he still likes me though, but he doesn't want to ruin our friendship. Okay. I can believe that I guess. Whatever. I'm hopeless at this point. I feel like I'm at his mercy. My feelings only grow more each day we spend together. He always wants me to spend the night, and to sleep with him even though his family has a guest room. He wants to see me almost every day now. I know now that I love him so much. There's never a dull moment when we're together. All of our friends say that we act like a married couple, the way we playfully nag and tease each other, and how we're always together. I believe it. I have such a strong hope that if I spend enough time with him, he will end up making a move towards me.
But then Spring passes. Summer passes. Fall. Now it's winter. Now it's now.
What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he date me? Aren't we perfect? Didn't he kiss me? He's so jealous when I talk to boys. He hates when I'm not there. Am I ugly? Am I stupid?
At this point I would be okay with us just being friends with benefits. Anything. Anything for some affection. It really kills you to be around someone you just want to throw your arms around, but you don't because you can't. To see someone so beautiful and want to kiss them deeply. But you don't.
So one day I decided I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not knowing. I have to know if he has a girlfriend that he keeps secret, or if he talks about me, or anything!
One night when he's asleep, I wake myself up and go through his email. Guess what I find.
Emails of himself. Naked. Guess who he was sending them to.
I sneak into his room and ****** his phone. I go through his pictures, his messages, his phone calls. Men. All from men. no girls. And I completely invade his privacy. I go through everything. I stay up that night till four in the morning. Then I replace everything, leaving no evidence, without waking him up. I don't sleep that night.
For the next month I pretend I know nothing. The tears don't come.
I want to scream at him. I want to yell at him. I feel so used. He used me to cover himself up, to pretend to be straight. That kiss, those proclamations that he loved me, wanted me to be his girlfriend, they were all lies. Nothing about anything he said to me was true. He made me feel like an idiot. All of that time I spent feeling inadequate, me, the girl with unshaking confidence felt ugly, unworthy, because I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't date me. I broke up with my boyfriend for him. Spent all my nights dreaming about being with him, kissing him, holding him. I had full intention to spend forever with him. And to him it was all a big joke, a game. A giant charade.
M knows that I know now. I told him that he doesn't change anything, because I love him for who he is. I was so happy when I told him this. He has no idea how I found out, only that I know.
But in reality, I am furious. All of these years I've been lied to. All of those years he "liked" me, building my feelings up for him, only for me to be impossible for him to love. He will never love me because of what I am: A woman. No amount of beauty, talent, or personality could ever make him change his mind. He is repulsed by my body and the way it works. I could never satisfy him. It's a huge joke. These two years I've loved a man who will never love me back. And the tears still won't come. Even now as I'm writing this.
I guess that's my story. I know I probably could have wrote it better. But honestly, I just want to be heard. I wanted to tell someone everything, because I can't yell at M. I can't hate him because I am deeply in love with him. As much as I want to tell him off and make him feel like a selfish bastard, I won't and I can't. Because he is my best friend and I love him. And if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. More than anything I want him to be happy. I see the loneliness in his eyes, and I had hoped that I could one day fill it. But he will never hold my hand, or stroke my face. My body is disgusting to him.
I guess it's kind of funny. Not really. Goodnight.
poisha poisha
18-21
2 Responses Dec 2, 2012

I totally get it...I'm kinda in the exact same position and I love him so much. Even though I'm prepared for disappointment, I still have a spark of hope deep inside me. I guess that's what love does to you. All I'm saying is that hope is a special thing. Try not to let go of it.

you're angry. and I think i can get that. I mean, who woudn't be? After liking someone so much then knowing he was gay? but i think you're more angry at the fact that he didnt tell . He didn't trust you enough to tell you he was different. and i get that , i really do . But the thing is : what if M is also facing his own problems ? If he is gay , then i can really tell you one thing , that being different is so hard both physically and socially . You feel so much guilt and shame sometimes its just hard to even survive.... oh . before i go on , just wanna know... did you ask him if he was?? could it perhaps be a misunderstanding? send me a message if you wanna talk :)