Insomnia. People. Everything. Long Read.

I have some occasional insomnia. I can't sleep for a few hours at all. I end up with half as much sleep as I need. I usually go to bed at midnight and wake up at 6 or 6:30. But I don't fall asleep until 2 or even 3 in the morning sometimes. This happens every few weeks or so. But recently it's been happening more often. And even worse cases of insomnia happen sometimes. With worse effects.

I'm a lonely person. All my close friends are in other colleges/universities. It's hard to communicate verbally with them. My roommates are great, but they're nothing like my friends. I don't talk much with them, like generally everyone. And I mean everyone. I find people unpredictable. I don't understand social interaction. I don't get this social crap. Yes, Asperger's. Anyways. Because I have no one to talk to, I get these thoughts in my head, that people hate me. It's like they know something is off about me. But there's always been a girl I like. Every year, at my last year in high school, this year. The high school one was a girl who I thought actually liked me. And then came rejection number 11. Yea, I'm counting. 11 girls have rejected me. I have no idea why I'm counting. The number pops in my head. And this new girl that I like. I think she doesn't hate me. And I would like to talk to her. But my brain isn't suited for new people. All my friends happened to be introduced to me, and they got to know me. If I introduce myself, I don't stand a chance. That's how 10 of the 11 happened. And then thoughts pop into my head. What if this happens, what if that happens. And at night I can't sleep for hours and hours. I want to talk to someone. I want to love someone. I've never had a girl even as a friend. It seems they've never been interested in me at all. And then I become self-conscious. I've been like this for a long time. I always cared how people thought about me. As soon as I saw a glance at me I could feel it. It's weird but it's true. I can tell whether people are looking and thinking about me. I can feel this tense air. It makes me not able to interact with people.

It's why I only have a few very tight friends. I'm very close to all of them. We all like the same things. We enjoy the same types of activities. And they don't look at me with weird glances. And thoughts of interacting with these people make me extremely self conscious at night. The thoughts don't go away. I can't sleep. And I have this annoying knee problem. If I don't sleep, my knees hurt like hell the next day. It happens when I've overworked physically, but mentally I never thought it could happen.

I try to like people. I don't like most people. I want to talk to that girl. I don't even know her name. And I don't know how to interact with her. Or her friends. A ton of girls apparently had crushes on me in elementary and middle school. And for some reason I was so oblivious. I never even thought that they had one on me. Me. I'm a big guy. I have deep, thick eyebrows that make me look angry all day. I have huge shoulders. I have huge forearms. I have a square jaw. Big legs. That's the only reason they can ever like me. My appearance. They won't be able to have a crush on me because of my personality. I rarely talk. I'm deathly quiet. If there was a room full of clones of me, it would be like walking through a cemetery. Just deathly quiet.

But right now I'm hoping my insomnia doesn't kick in right now. I my knees already hurt. I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel about people. And I haven't told anyone close to me about Asperger's. I don't like to talk about my feelings. My feelings change me. I can get violent. I was suspended twice from school because someone just bumped into me and I proceeded to bash their face in. I thought he was making fun of me. I've been made fun of for years. And my feelings take me over. I've needed someone to talk to for a while. A long time. A real talk.
Waldoz53 Waldoz53
18-21, M
Dec 3, 2012