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Forgiveness...is It Really Possible?

Lets think about this, I have been wrestling with the possibility of forgiveness. Is there anyone who really believe's that we can forgive? There is a couple of factors when it comes to forgiveness, one can you forgive the person who commits the act against you and two can you forgive yourself?

Can you forgive the person who commits the act against you? This can be a tough one for many reasons. Consider the reasonact that was commited against you, can you forgive that act and why? What is the commitment that is involved friendshiplover, does this have an effect of how you decide to forgive? Is there an unforgivable reason/act? Does the intensity of the relationship effect your decision between what is the right thing to do and what you should do? Seems that all these questions can cloud/confuse your judgement to do, what is necessary or right! I sometimes think that it is easier to forgive someone else other than yourself! Which leads into the next question.

Can you forgive yourself? This I think is the hardest decision! The infinite possibilities that arise, when you think of forgiving yourself. What did I do, that caused this to happen to me? What did i not do, that i could have done differently? Did I do something wrong? Why am I so unlovable? why does nobody like me? There are so many questions that come up depending on your situation and the act commited against you. What to do? How to decide? Is there anything, that makes this decision easier? The self pitty, that comes up on something like betral can completely devastate someone! You start to look at everything in your life self assessing everything. What about this about me? Or what's wrong with me? This has got to be the hardest part of forgiveness and the most necessary for moving forward. So what then? Sigh.............

So whats your take? Do you think that it is truely possible to forgive them/you? Or is the forgiveness for most just a falling away into forgetfulness? Is there any questions that I proposed that you found the answer too and how did you get to that point? And do we ever really forgive at all?

P.S. Thanks for the Ear!
inChange inChange 41-45, M 55 Responses Dec 5, 2012

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im a little depressed is there anyone who wants to talk

The thing about forgiveness is, only you can control it. You do it cause you want to. If you did it because someone else told you to, then it's not forgiveness. It'll remain resentment and it's burdensome.

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Yes every people can be forgive to each other

regardless of other worldly concerns in a nut shell yes you can forgive and it healthier for you to learn how to do so esp in terms of oneself...I disagree that it HAS to be long drawn out process but it is for many. forgiveness is a choice and option when ever you decide to adopt the concept.(assuming you have no mental incapacities or chemical imbalances)

Hi
Just read your thoughts about forgiveness; well, you are right- this is very long process; quite often painful, long tedious. But let me tell you something- it's very important for you, your future life to forgive; at least you can see this issue. You see- my mum died 12 years ago, and I still hate her!! for her selfishness, her big "ego", her homophobia, rasism, authocracy but unfortunely the one who hurts the most- is myself. And I'm trying my best to forgive, but the whole past covers too much of bitterness to just forgive and forget once forever. But I keep trying....because I know that hatred only makes my life even more complicated then it is now, so for that reason I really, really would like to forgive ...maybe then my whole life will change for better and be able to move on. But again- you are right- forgiveness is! very hard thing to do.

That old phrase forgive but not forget, I do think everyone is different and it takes a big person to forgive

You might be right

Will I forgive my bipolar wife?. .who had 5 affairs

If your at 5 get out she does not care!

I believe that forgiveness is something that is possible only after you have resolved the emotions surrounding the "unforgivable" situation / act. You are right about self forgiveness; some times resolving self conflict is more difficult and subjective. Hang in, everything has a way of becoming more forgivable with time and understanding.

wow that was deep.
but i think u can not forget a mistake, especially from sm1 u once trusted, but you can forgive. bt i think lying is unforgivable.

yes a lie is always covering something deeper up.

depends , I don\'t think the thruth is always better ....

I think forgiving often gets mistaken for forgetfulness. Time heals wounds as they say and I think it's rather the fact that ... in time you just 'get over' things rather than to have completely forgiven them. especially when it's about selfforgiving
I don't know why and I'd love to find out one day , but people tend to be a lot harder on themselves than they are on others.

Yes i think we are harder on ourselves than others too!

In my life i have forgiven alot of people for things they have done to me or to others i love but to froget is crazy. I can find it in my heart to forgive but never forget or you can be hurt in the same way over and over.

I agree.

Maybe 'forgiveness' is the wrong word for some acts of 'letting go'. Maybe 'understanding' would be better in some cases, as in 'I understand why that happened.' But 'Forgive and Forget' is not good advice. If we 'Forget' what happened, then we don't learn from the experience and run the risk of repeating it.

I don\'t believe in forgetting but forgiving is more about just letting go not that someone should not pay for the actions commited

You know this is the one thing, almost identically to ur post, that I cant grasp. I can forgive a mistake, but a mistake is an isolated accident, not a daily, years long lie. THERES A DIFFERENCE! And what if the person continues to hurt you? I CANT FORGIVE THE PERP FOR FORMER INCIDENTS, while hes planning more?! And forgiving myself!? Yes i do for believing in decency, and No! For listening with my heart instead of my Brain!!!

I think a mistake is a mistake but there are something's in life people call mistakes that I do not i call it a deliberate choice to intentionally hurt someone! And that is where the hard decision comes in to forgive someone of something they do not deserve!

I find forgiveness to be poison. It's quite simple actually, when you forgive, you take all the stress of the person who did you wrong on you. You have then two burdens. Your own because most of the time you forgive because "it's the right thing to do" without taking your feelings into account. Unfortunately, those feelings do not disappear, they just lay low, hidden from you as long as you fool yourself. Then, you also take the burden of the person who did you wrong therefore creating a circle of doomed thoughts and process in that "new" relationship.
As for forgiving oneself, it's not possible either. The reason why most people cannot forgive themselves is guilt. Guilt shows that you are human for taking into account people you did wrong but it is not an answer, it's a trigger. Most people live with their guilt. Others convince themselves that what they have done was not so bad/ not their fault. But what truly allows us to be ourselves and respect ourselves again is to accept what we did and then mourn for it. Then the memory of what you did wrong remains because you mourned for it (for as long as you need). Like when you moarn a dead beloved one, the memory of the pain remains. And if you can't preserve people from meeting death one day, the mourning you did over your deeds repels you from intentionally harming again.

That forgiving of myself in this was that I was letting go of having any responsibility of someone doing me wrong.

It's a tricky one too and I guess what you call forgiving yourself is what I call accepting the truth that you are not in complete commands of your life and surroundings. Glad to hear that you found that truth liberating. After all, we are no messiahs.

Interesting point of view.

Yea it's all in perception

Wow! How amazing... You pinned it! Made me think!

So true it's all about moving on sometimes.

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If you forgive someone and they keep doing the same thing over again do you just keep forgiving?

No you replace them!

NNOOOOOOOPP

I heard something that helps when I am wrestling with this exact subject. I will forgive you for stealing $100 from me but I won't ask you to hold my purse for me.

I find it easy to forgive but hard to forget. I have the most difficulty forgiving myself.

Lots of good responses to this thoughtful post.

Good

Thats pretty good but i think part of that is trust and even if you forgive, trust has to be rebulit and usually the person that breaks trust does not think that they have to earn it back thus creating a bigger problem with their flawed personanlity.

EXACTLY!

Before, it's harder for me to forgive myself than to forgive others. My reason was because I do understand them, why they did such things against me, I always managed to understand them, but when it comes to myself, it's hard for me knowing that I know the right thing to do but I didn't.. But when I finally learn to understand myself more, I learn that forgiveness is what every sinner deserves. It may took months, years to grant your forgiveness depending on the situation. Don't ever force yourself to forgive someone immediately, don't even feel guilty if you can't forgive them.. Understand yourself first before you can fully understand others.

You hate what they did to you that's why you can't forgive them. Hatred is dominating, and as I witness Life, Love is the only thing that could subside/alter hatred. The more a person receive love from the people around him especially from those whom he did wrong yet still loving him everyday will move his heart into forgiveness as well.

Just let yourself receive love FREELY and it will be easier for you to GIVE LOVE FREELY.. :)

I loved thats why forgiveness is so far from reach, but now i have moved on.

I also could forgive someone else easier than I could myself. I slowly am trying to forgive myself, I have to remember that forgiveness does not mean saying what happened was right or justified, it is about letting the power of the anger, and resentment dissipate because it is self-defeating and only hinders my growth as a person.

That is so true! ;)

i bliv a lot of ppl find it easy 2 forgive,,,,,,,,its jux nt that easy 2 frget

well i think it sux more that people are that way that we have to forgive.

You know my familys pic is in websters under dysfunctional-abuse alcolhol, drugs you name it- but when i said i do i did. I mean can u manage not to mess ur pants all day? Then doing what right shouldnt be that hard either

I came from an abusive family who drank. My father used to beat my mother a lot. My mother finally one day told me she had filed for divorce. When my father found out he came to the house drunk and held my mother and me in a chair for 6 hours with a loaded double barrel shotgun pointed at us. I was only 13 at the time. When he started falling asleep I took my chance and was able to wrestle the gun from him. I later told him I would never speak to him again until he quit he drinking. He did finally quit his drinking and I started to talk to him. I still had not forgiven him for what he had done until he had his heart attack and became disabled. He was no longer able to look after himself. I took him in to live with me and during that time I was able to forgive him. I took care of him for 10 years until he passed away. I am still bothered with the fact that all though I did forgive him I could never bring myself to tell him I loved him. I think he new though how much I did, but I wish I could have that time back to tell him in person.

Yes, i can definitely relate to what you went through and its so hard and really takes a tull on you! But it sounds like you really changed the dynamics of the relationship which is great!

That was exactly what I asked myself....and I suppose I don't have the answer... I thought I have put it all behind... But sometimes little triggers it...sigh...

I know exactly what you mean, especially if you can't do anything about it!

I certainly have a person whom I will Never forgive! Never. And sometime I may explain.....no time now. As for myself, I decided a very long time ago that I will live with no regrets. Not easy at first - must really think about some decisions, etc. Habit now and NO REGRETS!

Yes, i can understand what you mean! well if you ever want to chat let me know.

Well written! I think we should be humble and merciful with us and with others. Do you think we have the power to judge others' actions? no we are not Gods or Goddesses we are human beings and we make the same mistakes of others... so why not to forgive???

Yes it also helps with the healing.

SOME actions are so despicable and constantly repeated you just gotta move on and stay away. And don't have to forgive. Maybe somebody else but doubtful.

You know I can since your pain and can say that I am pretty sure i know the pain you are refering. It is an act that should not be forgiven and that my point was not forgiving for them but more for myself that I have no prison of anger in my life. That may or may not work in your life but it helps in moving forward!

I have always had a different take on why people tell you that you need to forgive someone that has done something unspeakable to you. Most often I hear that the forgiveness is for yourself - to eliminate the bitterness, anger, pain, grief . . . whatever negative emotions you are feeling so that you can move on and have peace. I disagree.

Forgiving someone that does not deserve it makes me more bitter and angry. They should never be given that grace. They don't deserve it. I feel better knowing they are not forgiven. Now that doesn't mean that this person can never be forgiven, if they can show that they have sincerely changed and are sincerely sorry for their actions. I do think this is possible, even though I think that in 60% of the cases, "a leopard doesn't change its spots." So, if you are like me, don't feel like there is something wrong with you because society tells you that you should or have to forgive. You do not.

Thats a pretty good out look and i know exactly what you mean!

AGREE!

The more grudge I keep the more heavy my soul may come to be... Yes it is possible to forgive self and others. How can we forgive others if we don't forgive self? I know it takes time and is hard, so hard that I can often hear my voice scorning me. "Why? How could I be so stupid? " . But there are lucky times when I can find an answer: we all do mistakes maybe I needed to learn something. I am meant to love not to punish.. Here is what helps me sometimes to get rid of my immediate anger: I try to focus on something beautiful the person have. Anything, as simple as a color of the sweater or a smartly tied shoelace. It melts a big part of my anger away. For the big hurt takes more time and effort but it is not impossible. The craddle into the arms of Nature, by sitting on the grass under a tree or watching a river taking my anger far into the horizon is a healing medication. I try to connect , it whispers to me: "I forgive you humans everyday, could you do the otherwise?" Of course I can't forgive everyting all the time but if I am able to do it, I can feel happiness . Thank you for this question it helped me to search into myself.

Thats nice, i think we all ask that question "Why? How could I be so stupid? " But the whole nature thing really helps me too in searching out my soul!

It's an exercise in mindfulness. Feeling the pain of the act. Moving through it, letting it go, but taking the lessons from it. A long, challenging process. If we don't forgive ourselves for our transgressions we will never heal and always be haunted. The part of being human is making sometimes severe mistakes. Growing from them and trying to not do them again. As for someone else's forgiveness I am currently waiting for that one. I can only hope and pray that through time and demonstration one can forgive and build trust again. It's rough, but we are all capable of true compassion even through error. The forgiveness releases us from the negative burden. I hope this person will do this for me. I must hope in time this will all be a dream!

I hope they will too!

I think it is easiest to forgive a parent or your child. Especially your children.
As for forgiving yourself, not sure if its 100% possible. I think we just accept our flawed actions until something re-triggers our guilt. I suppose the same thing can be said for a spouse or friend though. I feel like our encounters mold us and those feelings attached never completely disappear. But some of us are more jaded than others when it come to trust.

I can agree to that!

I believe many people think that, to forgive, you absolve people from their guilt.
I Think that is not necessarily the case. A woman forgiving someone who raped her, does not say: It was OK that you raped me, she says : I choose to no longer hold the grudge and hate against you. There is still the issue of guilt to deal with, and paying the price , for example in the law, is not part of that forgiveness. Forgiveness passes that burdon on to someone else.

Now forgiving yourself, that is harder. Even if you have the forgiveness of the person you have trespassed against, and maybe you have paid for your offence, there is still the issue of "why did you do it, in the first place?" and can you live with yourself.
That is the hard part!

Yes, That is true. Forgiving yourself can be hard especially if your not at fault cause you often have no reason or legitmate reason why something happened to you that can be hard to over come! so you just keep on trying till you get it right.

Well, if there is something that you are not directly responsible for, I would have thought, that should be easier to put behind you. Maybe with a bit of guilt. Say you drove a bit too fast in a village and you hurt a person with your car. There is guilt, but no intent. That will be hard, to forgive yourself, but I guess you can, especially if you get the forgiveness of the person you hurt.
Now in my case, I have offended and hurt pretty much everybody in my circle. My friends, family, accquintences... I know that my addiction drove me there, but that is a feable excuse. Can I repair the damage? Unlikely. Will people forgive me? Some might, many won't. Can I make it up to anyone I have hurt? Unfortunately not. That is cross I will have to bear. Forgiving myself? The way I feel now... that will be a cold day in July.

forgiveness is necessary for healing. But, most of the time forgetting cannot happen and should not happen. So we should forgive but not forgive.

Trying to figure out if my love for this person is clouding my judgment.

That is a YES and I dont know the circumstances but i can tell that is usually the case!

I don't know. I think I'm more confused than ever now. :'(

About what? Forgiveness is a choice about letting you move forward in your life. you dont have to forget what happen but you learn to move forward in a way that you can live your life.

True!

;)

Yes we can forgive and forget .. WE forgive the other person for our own benefit ..it is healing and makes us a better person .. You can do it my friend it will make you a stronger person :)

Thanks so much for the encouraging words!

It's totally possible. Believe me, I'm not just guessing.

Thanks!

I think in time you can forgive people, tho I dont forgive easily!, but I dont think you can ever forget. :-) ......btw..love the p.s. lol xx

Me too..@_@

Warning-my post sounds kind of like an ad...dunno why...it's late... :)
Forgiveness is possible,I know it-I have gotten to a place where I am able to forgive myself and everyone else who I've needed to. I've let it go,and the weight is gone! :)

The key to forgiving is compassion. We are all imperfect beings struggling along in our imperfect world-we are all completely flucked up on some level so we all fluck up all over the place,and life is not freaking easy as a result.

As Plato said-"Be kind to everyone you meet for they are fighting a hard battle" Compassion leads to forgiveness I've found-it seems to be a natural progression.

Great story, inChange. I think you ask really important questions. The chunky stuff :))

LOL....Thanks for sharing!

I have always lived my life to forgive. I think it's essential. It only makes me stronger and ables me to live in complete joy, even in times of trials. It's not always easy and sometimes it takes awhile. But with grace it will come. And sometimes I have to do it again years later. You are correct and forgiving yourself. I think that is so much harder. But yet, we must do this to so that we don't live in bondage and let it control is and consume us.

So true!

Lol sorry for the typos. I'm on my phone. Silly spell check drives me crazy sometimes. :)

Me too! NP... ;P

I believe you can forgive someone. I see it as it's basically impossible to fully understand a person, unless it's someone you've known for most of your life, and have also spent a considerable amount of time around. Even then a complete understanding isn't tangible, I mean I can say that I understand my mother and I understand my little brother, but I can't. I do not see the world through their perspective. But, in my experience with forgiveness, it's only as hard as you let it be.

My father left my mother because she wouldn't abort me or give me up for adoption. All of my life I had been told he's a well seasoned pathological liar, and the first time I had a real conversation with him he told me two things that made my disgust for him grow deeper than sixteen years without him. He told me, doctors have diagnosed him with memory loss, so he didn't know I existed. At the end of the conversation he also told me that he loved me. I didn't know how to take it, so I hated him. I cursed his existence for two years, and the day I graduated from high school I felt so much pain, because I knew he wasn't in the crowd of faces that was watching us walk across a stage. It wasn't until I had met a few of the siblings I have between him and their mother that I could really let any of it go. I learned that my life was better without him, no matter how much I needed a father. I also learned that I will never, ever be able to understand him. I don't pity him, I don't feel bad about his inability to treat other human beings with any dignity or respect. I just acknowledge that I don't get him, and that it is what it is. Once you can say to yourself that you forgive this person, you will begin the healing process that will alleviate the bulk of your burden, and you will be able to forgive them.

I can see this ways heavy in your heart to, thanks for sharing your heart with me.

When you forgive someone...that's the entire basis of love.
As humans we're imperfect....we screw up on a daily basis. We hurt someone or they hurt us.
That's entire factor behind forgiving another. Realizing that we too could do the very same thing in the near future.
Not forgiving is like placing yourself on a pedestal and proclaiming yourself as a perfect person. We become that hypocrite that Jesus talked about in Luke 6:42.

Oh, I disagree. The reason he said look at yourself is because we do not know how to forgive! He commanded us to forgive because we do not really know how, he said take my example and learn from it because you do not know how to love I will show you John3:16. The only unforgivable sin is to not accept Christ as your lord and savior so can we learn to forgive maybe with his help but for now we will all ways be hypocrites because we are trying to be like God when we are not!

For all the people that hurt me i had to learn how to forgive each one of them . Im glad I did cause it brought peace in my life which now I become a stronger woman because of it.

That's good, it's not an easy task to do!

It is so hard to forgive, or to keep forgiving, when they seem to not be sorry or think they had a reason to do what they did. I'm almost out of forgiveness. And I will never be able to forgive myself. Never.

Yes it an be hard, but forgiveness allows us to befree from the burden of pain! Not to forget or allow them to not be responsible for their actions!

I`m alittle late coming in to this- But I think there are many components to forgiveness. First and foremost - understanding. Second - knowing that remorse from the other person won`t allow the offense to happen again.
We are all human - but all have different weaknesses .That goes back to the understanding part.

Yes maybe be in some circumstances but when it's deliberate as in they made a choice then it becomes a different situation. I think so many people are not being held accountable for their actions that things are getting out of hand!,

Why don`t you give a scenario. I do think in some cases you become the prisoner - but in other cases you can become the fool.

From my stand point. I did something to someone. I felt bad for a long time. Until one day they told me. I forgive you for what you did. But I can never forget it. So we have moved on from that. But it hurt our relationship. It never quite been the same. Thank you for your question. Peace

Thanks

Yes :)
I forgive and will always forgive anyone for anything, including myself. I forgive because I love everyone, I literally hate not one person in all of the universe.
If you love someone, it is hard to hold a grudge.
I don't forgive just to forget though, because not once has "i'm sorry" taken my memories from me. So I forgive for other reasons.
I forgive because in the end, she who is loved, is she who has lived :)

That is very nice, you are a good person..

The benefit (s) of forgiveness is for the person to whom the hurt was done to. You forgive the person who hurt you and move on. What makes it hard is that sometimes the offending party seems oblivious to the extent of the hurt they have caused ... sometimes it seems as though their life is progressing better than yours, while you remain in a slump. Another, is that you know you were right or did nothing wrong but the accusing finger is being pointed at you. According to the circumstance it can be hard ... but the right thing to do is forgive, learn the lesson and move on. Grow from the experience and not wallow in it. How do I know - Been there, done that and worn the T-shirt

What I've learned about forgiveness is that it has nothing to do with the person we are forgiving and everything to do with our peace. Forgiveness is like acceptance; it doesn't mean you like or approve of what the other person did, but you accept it. You can't change what happened. Do you want to waste anymore of your time allowing that person to take up space in your head? I realized that all the resentments I had towards others were just hurting me. The other people had moved on. They weren't thinking of me. Forgiving others helps me to move on and find my own path. Also, (and I don't mean for this to sound preachy) I found that I put too much of my faith in humans when my dependence needed to be on God. People are fallible. They WILL screw up. I screw up! So, if I can remember that, I won't be so surprised when people let me down. It doesn't mean I won't be hurt, but it won't incapacitate me. I will forgive them so I can find peace and move on. I had a very serious relationship end because he cheated. I lived for years alternating between feelings of poor self-worth, anger at him and not trusting what other guys told me. It was an exhausting way to live. Now that I understand better the fallibility of humans, I am free to trust others again. I don't think anyone sets out to break the trust of another. Life happens, relationships change. In a perfect world we would all be 100% honest with each other 100% of the time and never make mistakes. I truly feel your pain. I just hope, for your sake, you will learn to forgive, heal and move on to trust again.

Your thoughts are very similar to mine Lily. I would say that forgiveness is not only possible, its essential. Not for their sake but for yours. I stopped hating myself and others a long time ago. But I envy your ability to trust again. I think you are right to trust. I think its another essential. But I just cant. I lost my faith in human nature at a very early age and in all the years since I've never managed to get it back again. I wish I could but i don't know how. I cant put my faith in God. That went at an early age too.

Lily4you, this is an amazing statement. Thank you. It's given me a lot to think about.

I do think forgiveness is possible when one really looks into the reality of what forgiveness does..I don't think forgiveness is so much for the other persons sake as much as your own..It's a weird lesson but I feel that it teaches us and reminds us of our own flaws and defects as well as how to overcome them. When you forgive someone...(and this is totally only how I look at it) you are giving yourself a release..your saying I've learned from this and I have processed it and I'm ready to let this uncomfortable feeling go..It's very similar to learning about love and all it entails..When we love someone and it doesn't work..we work past the hateful feelings, realized what we/they did wrong and make a metal note..We then vow to do or not accept the same thing again(which in essence makes a better person) and move on to love someone else and if you've really let go of the pain...you can look at that person that was once in your life without a shred of hatred/love/emotion because you realize its useless, unhealthy, and even if you can't see it at first..you learned something..another thing people don't realize is that hatred is a perverted form of love..(we hate something and don't like/ and feel uncomfortable around something or someone because we cannot love it and we are loving beings at heart so hating which goes hand in hand with not forgiving is unnatural) The root word of ignorance is ignore...we become ignorant when we ignore things or our surroundings that make us who we are...When we do not forgive..it creates an uncomfortable feeling which opens negativity to come into our lives from every angle and this leads to hatred because you lose control of what should come natural and that is being a loving individual....Forgiveness is Not Forgetting! Forgiveness is learning about yourself and how to make yourself a better person from the experience you had and letting go...

Yes, I know, but it sometimes seems so much hard to do when times are rough...

That's what makes it such a important lesson to learn...once you learn how to forgive even in the worst circumstances...you give yourself a freedom and piece if mind I cannot even describe to you because it's different for everyone...You are putting yourself in a mental prison...its almost like how they train elephants...they chain them as they are little so even when they are big and can escape they don't because they have been brainwashed to think they can't...you have to work past your ego and everything you have been taught and not allow anyone to take away your universal spiritual freedom to be happy...the door is open..you just have to be strong enough to walk through it and say I'm done...I will not feel like this cause I don't deserve it and I've learned from it and I'm moving forward...You can't go forward looking backwards...

I agree with mental prison already there trying to find my way out...

Just looking for a way out is the like opening the door...your almost there...Good Luck..I'm always here if you need to talk..

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I forgive everyone. Doesn't mean I have to like spending time with them afterwards or anything.

Yes, but your still young man maybe give it sometime and you might see things differently...unfortunately.

Nah. I would think that being young, I'd find it harder to forgive since I haven't had as long a time to experience pain and deal with it correctly.

Here's what I learned about forgiveness from others that were wise:

1) Not forgiving someone else is like drinking poison yourself and expecting it to hurt the other person.

2) When you forgive someone that doesn't mean that they are no longer accountable for what they have done wrong... it just means that they are no longer accountable to YOU. (The tie that binds you to them is broken when you forgive them, and they will still be accountable for what they have done wrong, just not accountable to you as you are free from them.)

3) Holding onto unforgiveness is damaging to YOU. The number one beneficiary of forgiveness is YOU (the forgiver).

That's nice....still struggling..with it today..

So Awesome...I believe in this wholeheartedly....

Forgiving myself is sometimes the most difficult thing to do. I am most hardest normally on myself.

I think that most of us are.

I don't forget either..sometimes that is a curse.

Sometimes that is just hard!

For others..it depends on what they have done to me. There are some things I will never forgive probably.

Agreed!

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I do not usually plug my own stories but can I nudge you in the direction of one of my poems entitled 'The Ultimate Gift'.
I unconditionally forgave. ....it is possible.

Thanks, I will read your poem..

<p>first, Thank you for sharing, it is interesting to hear a man speak the same doubt women pour out all the time.<br />
second, Forgiveness is a HUGH Step<br />
Forgive others, finally now that i am in my 40's it is easy LOL ok what popped into my head was for there stupidity. k that was mean but sometime and reality is MOST don't know and don't know how not to. make since?<br />
now for yourselfl - HINT patterns that have been taught to us in our childhood is what we are trying to break free from. our generation did not have the parents of today that encourage, motivate, give us confidence to fail or succeed.<br />
Those that did are very blessed and are working on different patterns (GRIN)<br />
SO for you, Are you worthy? YES now write it on a post it, stick it on your mirrow<br />
I AM WORTHY, SPECIAL, STRONG AND ALL THE ATTRIBUTES YOU ARE and strive to be.<br />
then shut the mean voice up in your head, be nice to yourself. you know the crap that goes around in your head. if i came to you and asked for your help the same as above as my truth/story. what would you say to me? please tell me in detail. if your willing either here or in msg</p>

Thanks, I don't think that woman don't know how to react around a man that knows what compassion is all about...I'm always willing to listen sometimes it takes a while if you know what I mean.

Dear one, one can forgive... One may not able to forget!
Forgiveness just means that you may no more hold it up as evidence, or collateral. You have to choose to not give it power by allowing it to just lay by the side and slowly suffocate and die... We are what continues to breathe the life back into our past... Do we too can choose to stop!
It's not easy, but it is possible. Just like everything in life, baby steps, backward steps, forward steps, and giant steps are all positive moves on the journey of life... Just don't stand still!! Pay attention to your surroundings and learn your strengths and weaknesses for the scenery will most likely be similar in the future!!

I do ot think i can sit still that just makes time to make things harder on yourself.

It takes time to forgive. At least this has been the case for me. I've wanted those that have wronged me to feel the same things that I have. People aren't perfect. I'm not excusing the things that we do, it's just the fact of the matter. I've had to learn from those negative experiences and move forward. I think that for me, it's been about coming to terms with what has happened and understanding why.

Yes, but how do you do that "what has happened and understanding why"?

Thinking vs Feeling. Rationalizing what happened. I've seen "Red Flags" from miles away. I've chose to ignore them. I ended up with the consequences. I've felt stupid for allowing things to happen to me. I'm not sure if this is the case for you. I've had to learn to trust my intuition. Sometimes the why can be harsh. It can be as simple as someone doing what they wanted to do. I may never understand why some things have happened to me. I just try not to make the same choices that led to my disappointment. Valuing myself enough to not accept the things that aren't good or right for me is what I'm working on.

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense!

Reading this inspired me to look at the meaning of forgiveness again and remind myself what it truely is. I've probably always been a VERY forgiving person. It definitely doesn't mean I forget tho, or will allow the act to happen again. It does suck that sometimes forgiveness means living, acting, feeling in a different way to protect ourselves~ I know I often long for that carefree innocence and happiness I had before I was wronged.
You are correct that forgiving yourself can often be the hardest part- those questions can eat away at those of us considerate of others reasons BUT we are the ones considering and obviously the one who commited betrayal did not. Compassion is just a step in the process and usually it helps us identify what went wrong, wether we helped insite it or not. If we conclude that we did not it can sometimes take the anger a little longer to die down but we learn that some peoples flaws are not worth dealing with and we learn to keep distance from certain personalities in hopefully an understanding way. When we recognize where we did possibly incite, or play our own flawed part- we hopefully grow from it, learning how to be better ourselves. Either way, we don't deserve that BS. I think forgiveness is a beautiful thing and to consider it so deeply you must be a very loveable person. I'm attatching a link I found helpfull
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-forgiveness/

I thank you for such a meaningful response! So many people over look what someone is feeling or going through in this life. We often are so caught up in our own life, that we might not relize the reason that person is driving so slow is because something dramatic has happen to them. This was helpful in someways!

You are very welcome. I can relate and am glad to hopefully help in someway.