Still Looking

For as long as I can remember, from young up until now I was never able to call someone my best friend. Don't get me wrong. I'm no social recluse. Some might say I'm gregarious. I mingle with everyone. My classmates. We have meals together. We talk and laugh. But for some reason, I'm never able to to connect with anyone. Come to think of it. Never. I don't keep in touch with anyone from high school or college. I never really bothered to forge a connection with anyone. It is probably because I don't trust anyone easily. I'm starting to realize that now in adulthood. I can't say I have real friends. I think I do. But I don't have a "best friend". Someone I call at night and just talk about stuff. Someone I can spontaneously ask out for coffee or jog with or go to the gym with. I'm doing things all by myself.

I don't think this is a bad thing but I don't think I know how to open up to someone. I think I'm still waiting for the right person to open up to. To be honest, this makes me kind of nervous. Why am I like this? Why can't I have a bunch of friends to call my own? And hang out and talk to? I am writing this story because I really don't have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my mom or my siblings too. I'm not comfortable with sharing anything with them.

I feel so alone. Sometimes it feels like I don't matter to anyone. Only at work. I spend most of my hours at work. My bosses like my work and I think I'm in their good books. I go home, shower and have my meal. I don't really talk to my family much. So I'll just spend a few minutes reading. Then I'll sleep. This routine repeats for 5 working days. Sometimes more because I don't have any plans during the weekend. So I come back to the office and finish up all my leftover work.

My sister doesn't have this problem with friends. She is the total opposite. My brothers as well. They'd have plans. I'm always the only sibling at home. I'd usually hit the gym or do
Something productive.

Just typing this out is painful. It just makes me realize how much of a loner I have been all this time.
freestyler605 freestyler605
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

Your siblings probably feel the same deep down. It's a really rare thing to have someone you can completely connect to without feeling like their going to backstab you or bore you.
You are alone.
We all are alone.
Even with your true love.
Death is brought to an individual.
Not felt by two, only always by one.

Pain is only shared sympathetically.
Success can only be brought on by an individuals mindset and will.

So many things. That we do alone and yet, we yearn for connections.