Dinner is cooked. The dishes are done. The floor is mopped. The rug is vacuumed.

And here I sit. Alone. My heart aches with loneliness.

N moved out to live with her father. She now comes to see me on the weekends. Junior in high school, my youngest, and she is gone. Well, right now she is in her room downstairs watching television.

D, my significant other, boyfriend, fiance, the person I am supposed to spend my life with but lately feel like he hates me, is upstairs, stewing and seething because after five months, he has still been unable to find a job. No matter what I say or do, I cannot pull him out of the funk, and frankly, I am tired of trying.

A, my oldest is back in jail until March. Probation violation. But once she is done, she is done, and that will be it.

J, my middle daughter, is in another state with a guy who has decided to use her as a punching bag. She is also on probation (both for drinking and driving) and after completing some community service, might be able to come home.

I am trying so hard to have faith, but I feel it leaving. How nice it would be to just give up, to stop trying to be so cheerful for everyone, to slide off the deep end into oblivion where someone would surely sit me in a padded cell and pump me full of mind numbing drugs so that I cannot feel anymore. I know that God is not supposed to give you more than you can handle, but I feel myself teetering towards the "I cannot handle anymore" edge. I want to slide off.

And yet I cannot do that. I am too full of responsibility, love the people in my life too much, and just want to take care of everyone.

But it is lonely.
LolaJ LolaJ
41-45, F
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

would love to chat with you