I Have Become So Much Weaker.

First off, I never shared anything about myself before. I always kept everything to myself, never needed freinds never needed to talk about anything. I always suffered in silence and I was okey with that. Eventually overtime, it became to much to ignore. I had a voice, have a voice that must be heard now. First time I started to really talk about myself and open up I was about 22-23yrs old. Just a couple of years ago, feel like such a long time ago already, lol.

I noticed now I cant stop really. My doors have been opened and I have so much to say and so much to just let out. It was also around that time, when I was 22-23 it was the first time in my life I actually lost my temper. Has only happend once in my life, I dident think it would ever happend actually. But I know it was beacuse I had opened up. Cause of that, I noticed all the pain I had been carrying for so many years, even tho I was aware of it. I always knew I had a rough time and that my life was kinda harsh and cruel. But I sort of just did what I had to do to survive. Which meant supressing a lot of things really, even tho again I was quite aware of it mentally with my thoughts. But the feeling attached to it was kinda tempered or under control anyway. So.. It kinda made me realise I have never really been heard. I have always put aside myself for others. Yet this has been both my curse and salvation. It has saved me and it has also damaged me. Regardless again, I cant close this door/wall/gate or whatever you wanna call it. I actually need people now. I need someone to hear me or lissen to me. I have never needed that before. I have been perfectly alright with never saying anything, but now I cant stay silent anymore and if I dont get heard it hurts even more again.

When I lost my temper that time tho, it was like wow... lol.. Soooo much built up crap for like 10yrs just got flushed out, lol. Again, Im a very calm person, I dont rememeber even raising my voice since then. Nor even before, lol. I think I did sometimes when I was 14 tho, thats the last time I remember raising my voice before I lost my temper when I was 22-23. It was crazy tho really, I even blacked out kinda. I barly remember any of it, just bits and pieces.

But point is, Im no longer the same strong person I used to be. I actually need people, me who has always been alone and been quite satisfied with that. While I dont need people to understand me tho, or get me. Dosent even matter. I just need to be heard. And my story, my life just need to be accepted for what it is. Cause that is certainly something that has never really been accepted for me in real life, by others. My past has always been denied sort of. Im fine with that tho!, It dosent bother me in real life in any sence. I just need to be heard by someone. And it has even become a constant thing, not all the time of course. But at least somewhat regurarly. Cause again, my walls cant be closed again. And it would kill me if I dident share things.
Wintersorrow Wintersorrow
26-30, M
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

Thank you for writing this. Spoke to me.

Im sorry that it does, If you ever need to talk or anything tho, just let me know.
Thanks for your comment :).

Kind of you, thank you.