UnworthyMy first four months of university have served as a wake-up call, of sorts. I'm eighteen years old, and I've started a degree in Physics and Chemistry, and quite honestly, I've never been unhappier, and my own flaws have never been more evident.
When I started attending an all-girl's secondary school over six years ago, it immediately became evident to my peers that my social skills were severely lacking; I was clumsy (not in the endearing sense- more so the startled-at-any-loud-noise, constantly-dropping-things, tripping-over-own-feet-every-two-seconds sense), shy, plain and unable to engage in conversation, particularly with males. Due to that, I was automatically labelled as a 'nerd'- I'll be honest, it was a title that I was proud to identify with, and I steadfastly maintained the masquerade of academic knowledge in order to compensate for other elements of my personality that were severely lacking. I know now that I did not deserve the title- perseverance, commitment, initiative, determination or ambition have never been terms that could be used to describe my academic prowess, despite my reasonably good performance in examinations.
There's always been the sort of paradigm present in society that studying Science is an accolade marginally behind the biomedical sector; only those in the 96th percentile and above, academically, have an opportunity to study it at third-level. My strengths (although I had previously paid no heed to this) probably lie more within the realms of Arts and Humanities, but I felt compelled to study Science, as it would finally prove that I was just as capable of success as any of my contemporaries. Again, I was proved wrong. Although I've been adopted by a group of genuinely amazing friends within my course, I feel I don't deserve their friendship; I'm slow-witted, mediocre and awkward in comparison, prompting the return of all of my old twelve-year-old insecurities in full force. It sounds terribly childish, but I'm also the only one who's never had any romantic experience; my two closest friends started going out a few weeks ago, and I feel that I'm not needed within our group any more.
I don't feel capable of anything. I'm unable to bring myself to study, as I know I have no hope of excelling, and it feels like I've chosen Science to strengthen other's perception of me as intelligent, rather than due to the fact that it's something I'm passionate about. I feel like I don't even know what I am passionate about any more, as after spending so long cultivating this persona, the gilded surface has been torn away to reveal nothing of any value or interest. I'm not independent, I'm not beautiful, I'm not genuine; it feels like I have nothing at all to offer to anybody. I've never felt so worthless.
ElysianPeace 18-21 3 Responses 2 Dec 10, 2012