The Heartless Man

The Beginning:

I met her through Internet, we became friends, we shared and had fun in online games and chats, we grew to love each other, we became lovers. A real love through a virtual media. She gave me a heart, i learned to feel, i learned to love and cherish.

The Ride:

Five years passed, or to be more specific, 4 years and 5 months, and my love for her was the same, we went through countless hard moments and countless beautiful moments that gave my life a meaning and my heart a boost in beats. However, time eventually eats away everything, she slowly stopped trusting me and she would be annoyed by almost everything i did or said, i finally got to meet her in real life, took way too long and it was my fault for not being fast enough or a hard worker. I was saving for this for so long, i was so excited and she was too, finally our love could be true.

Little time though i could be there but the most beautiful days of my life they were, or more like the only days of my life i could call "Life". Our love was real and we shared our dreams, but the parting day came and i was gone from her side, little did i know that it was going to be the last time i would ever see her in this life, i feared this so badly, days before leaving i hugged her and unexpectedly cried my eyes out on her warm belly, i couldn't help it, i cried because i knew i was going to be alone, that i was going to lose her, she wasn't going to wait more for me anymore and i couldn't ask more time from her.

I was too slow, i wasn't a man, just a child lazying away letting life go by, i wasn't enough for her, i should have done so much more. She realized she didn't like me that much and she didn't felt love for me anymore. 4 months later she stopped talking to me gradually, she showed herself uninterested in me and was more excited to be with her online friends in a game i hated. Because they were more exciting and fun to be with, because I'm not enough, and maybe because she grew to like someone else. Whatever the reason I'm the one to blame.

The End:

She broke up with me before our 4 years hit another 9 months. She told me she had more fun with her friends, that i disappointed her in so many ways, that she didn't trust me anymore on being able to do anything, and i think she was right. I'm still a nobody 3 months later, working for minimum wage.

Love was not enough, and it's my fault that it was like this, because i wasn't strong enough to make it possible, and I'm not the right one for her. I tried to be more everyday but my personality is horrible and i kept losing to fear and insecurity, I could have done so much more, i could be a professional with a lot of money at these 21 years of life, but I'm not because I'm not strong enough. I had to make it possible for us to live together but i failed to meet this goal.

In the end, even if she had her flaws and mistakes galore, it's all my fault for being so slow and immature.

I broke down when she hit me with these news, that it was all over, i was a child, crying and begging for mercy but knowing deep inside i couldn't keep her, i had to let her go and there was nothing i could do to prevent losing her. If you love something you have to let it go.

The Aftermath:

Being friends was a failure, and it was my fault for clinging to hope, for thinking everything that happened during those almost 5 years had a meaning anymore, it is more harsh for me because she was my first love, she already had disappointments in love before, also i often see that women move on much easier than we men do. Specially if they are the ones who do the break up.

Today, she barely answers a message once or twice per month. I want to be her friend, because i truly care about her, i don't even want to love her anymore because i know it can't be so i don't feel that love for her anymore, i even want her to find someone else even if that idea brings me so much pain, but i hurt her too much, i annoyed her too much with my immature whining so she doesn't wants me there.

The Foul Recovery:

"Time heals all wounds", a phrase i can't believe 3 months after the break up. Here comes the main topic of this whole depressing text:

I can't love anymore, or more like i can't allow me to love anymore, because i don't think myself good enough for anyone, i don't think i can react like a normal human being, be loving enough, tender enough or even sexy enough, i don't think i ever earned such feats. So i don't want to hurt anyone ever again like i did with her, i don't want to go through this again. My personality sucks. I'm too weird for normal people to like and I've noticed this through my whole life, I'm not the one people prefers to be with, and if i can't achieve the feat of being interesting enough, i certainly can't find love.

After that day, the day of "The End", i was never again the same. My heart was not broken, it was gone. I don't feel properly attracted anymore, not even sexually, because i think i may be the one and only human being who finds sex to be disgusting and wrong if you don't love the one you're doing it with, i don't have sex, i make love, and even in that area because of a mistake i made back in "The Ride", i could never experience that "connection" our animal instincts so desire. I'm practically a virgin at age 21.

I cry because i see that i will never experience those things, i will never kiss with love again, hug long and tenderly again, i will never make love, i will never be as important as life for someone else. After that day, the day of "The End" i lost my hope and will, I can't believe i can make someone love me again, because i see that no one desires my company like that and i know that all things must end someday, i also see that i can't make anyone like me and It's mostly because of my insecurity, the same insecurity that subdued me in "The End".

I cry because i have never felt like a human being. I can't act like normal people, and normal people hate my kind, i can't believe someone can be interested. And i hate the fact that I'm not strong enough to stop crying.

I cry because i cry. Because men shouldn't cry and i do it a lot in what became "The Aftermath" of everything after it went down, she was the reason I am able to cry and feel, because she was "The Beginning" that makes your heart alive, but now i can't stop. I need love to be happy, I am a lover, I want to be happy but i can't let myself love. I don't have a heart to bear with love and i don't want to hurt anymore.

I am the heartless man.

What should i do? How do i love?

SomebodyThatIsLost SomebodyThatIsLost
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

you will love again and be loved. You are loved now. Become the person who you really want to be, do something to make your self and the world a better place. Learn to accept and love yourself. Meditate and find that you have love and peace within you. I practice and ancient body, mind spirit meditation practice that is always free and has helped me so much. Falun Dafa Something like this would really help you.
I felt the same way you feel when I lost my first love. Time does heal, believe it or not, but it sounds like you need to learn to love yourself.
Best wishes to you sweetie.

Thank you. Really.