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I Don't Know Why I'm Writing This, Probably Just To Get It Out.

I wish I knew where to begin in all honesty. I'm tired, so tired of it all,on paper everything would seem great, I have a job, friends (though fewer than I would like), my own place. But my god I am lonely.

I think the worst part it, I'm sure It's some kind of personality disorder, I know I'm cleverer than everyone else, at least I believe I am. I've had 2 girlfriends in the past, both of which ended when I just feel stifled. The number of people I've slept with is triple figures, yet I know I only do it to try and stave off the aching isolation I feel inside, YET every time I get close to someone, I feel suffocated and stifled and have t break it off. So, I continue to sleep around, trying to feel loved for a little bit.

I don't know why I'm writing this, probably just to get it out.
Zoncky Zoncky 22-25, M 2 Responses Dec 18, 2012

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You just haven't found what you're looking for. And if I could say, you're looking for love in all the wrong places. It starts simple, sex is destruction when it's for pleasure. It's only the love in sex that makes it worth it.

Really, because I've done plenty of searching, even found someone who was perfect for me. Yet the old me clicked in when we started getting too close. Had to break it off and burn the bridges.

I wouldn't even say It's sex for pleasure. It's just me trying to fill this hole inside of me, I just want to feel close to someone

I'm sorry, I meant pleasure as in to feel better, but I shouldn't have said pleasure...I know the feeling of wanting to fill the hole but not knowing what it is. Things fall into place at unexpected times. I don't believe you'll be alone forever. Besides friends, you'll click with a certain someone someday and can't help but have them in your life. It will make sense, but I know right now it seems hopeless :( trust me, I do know...

Hmm...that is quite a mixture. Why do you fear relationships so much? What's wrong with being wanted?

I don't. Not consciously at least, but every time I get close to someone I have to get out of there. Maybe subconsciously I feel like I don't deserve it, but I have no concious desire to be alone or not be wanted.

It's hard to explain. Inside I feel so alone and everything is going wrong. Of course I put on a front for people, never let them know the extent of it. My pessimism glares through and my curmudgeonly misanthropic cynicism is one of my defining traits. But for all my rage at the world, people wouldn't know how I really feel.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - Chobsky

I can relate. Once I stopped pretending that everything was okay, that I didn't hate society and humanity as much as I did, got past my biting sarcasm and put down my defensive mask...I pretty much lost everyone. No one could handle the real me. But it was the only way for me to be able to discover who I was. Once you accept yourself, things fall back into place.

it just sounds like to me that it's an inner problem you're not confronting here, rather than external, like relationships being too smothering. I know it sounds corny as ****, but in order to quell your loneliness, you first have to let people in.

Thank you, really, thanks. But, how do I work out the inner problem. Genuinley this has been on going for years. I have no idea where to start and it just feels like well this is who I am. It's not just relationships, Its everything, I'll get bored in a job after a year, I have a different hobby every few months. I flit between like and dislike in everything.

Hah, yeah, definitely know what you mean. Just an overall restlessness towards everything, right? Can't really be content? Contentment with your outside world requires inner contentment. What you are seeking is enlightenment. It's not something that happens overnight. If you have a religion, I would turn to that. If you don't, then explore life. Take a journey, physically or spiritually. Face the things you fear most. Try to enjoy every moment to it's fullest. This is a really difficult thing to put into words, because everyone's enlightenment is unique. I had a guide/mentor towards mine. And gave up everything society deems necessary in the process. Most won't go to those lengths for happiness.

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