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Im Still Here Arent I ?

I was born addicted to heoin. My mom abandoned me at a young age so i grew up without her. Days short from my twelve birthday, I was introduced too Ecstasy. By 7th grade I was addicted. That year I woke up too being sexually abused, that left me severely depressed, I started cutting, and developed a eating disorder. One night I hit a vein and collapsed.  Eventually, I stoped respecting my body, I was doing things regularly that I would never expect myself to do in a million years, for tabs. I started selling until someone ratted on me. That night I over dosed. My parents finally opened their eyes and saw my problem. I got help and was sober off drugs for a year. Little did I know this was only the beginning. At 14 I was hanging out downtow. I first started doing coke, then crack. People found out and they would nag me about it , I'd act as if it didn't phase me, but in reality it drove me insane. I fell in love with a boy named Damien*, who was against hard drugs, so for him I got clean. He didn't treat me good, but I put up with it, until he had sex with my best friend and I dropped both of them. I was devastated. I lost everyone. Everything. I begun to smoke Crystal Meth at 15. It made me look at things at another point. I started getting around, Id have sex just too feel loved; People started calling me names, and I hit rock bottom. I forgot what it wa like too be happy, it's like once your depressed, its the only feeling you've ever felt and its all you ever will feel. In May 2012, I met Kyle* through Damien. We hit it off instantly. He had money, He became my everything, only problem was he was a speed addict. He was also 9 years older then me. On my 16th birthday he tricked me into doing a line of meth, thinking it was coke.  With in time I moved in with him and my addiction worsened. We blew his money and started doing bad things for more. One night he went car hopping, but got arrested. He was sentenced 7 months.  I started hanging around even worse people, and put myself in horrible situations. I was having sex for for money and drugs, whatever drugs. I wasnt happy with my life, but it was my life and I did what i thought was right. Heroin was introduced to me at 16, it made me sick, I couldnt handle it. I only did it for about a month, until my dealer was busted, so I went back too meth. It was cheaper. Lasts longer, and easier too find. I cant begin too explain how I feel for this drug..Without it my body aches, I cry. Within the last month, ive had four seizures during withdrawls.  I recently started doing oxis, but they are harder to come across and also rather quite expensive. A girl was slaughtered in my city bout a week ago. It horified me. I started getting high with her bestfriend. next thing you know, Im hanging with the men she was last known to be alive with. In the same hotel room. theyre 20 years older then me. That innocent girl could havd been me. Better yet, I could be next. The men are now being questioned by homicide detectives. Kyle called me after a few months and I now have somthing too look forward to in my future. He gets out in 9 days. He knows im struggling with using, but if it wasn't for him I'd be clean, off meth atleast. but hes gonna take it day by day with me. Lately some nights I lay in bed nd thinking about not waking up.. Its at that moment where you just don't give a **** anymore. Live or die, hate or love... same s**t different day. It hurts me too say, but it has become my only priority, I will do anything and everything for it, I've put it in front of my own family and I myself.  I perfer to look at addiction as more of a sickness, then a choice, because no one would ever choose too live this lifestyle, ever. You make one bad decision and it'll stick with you forever, and could even barry you. You will lose more and more respect for yourself until you can't stand whats looking back at you in the mirror, and you snap. Everything you once had is gone, and now a memory, you know what you want in life, but cant reach it. But what alot of people don't realize is, Once you've hit rock bottom, the only direction you can go.. is up.  If you read that all, your a saint.
TypicallyFaded TypicallyFaded 16-17 40 Responses Dec 19, 2012

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i hope ur ok.

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im sorry I havnt been on this in forever,, When i posted this clearly i wasn't in the best mind state, and I didn't get back on my feet right away.. I ended up meeting a nother guy before kyle got out and being my dumb-self I left kyle for him... Worst mistake... at first it was alright until I saw how he really was.. He was abusive towards me, not just emotionally but physically aswell. It got to a point were I couldn't leave him, I was horrified, he threatened to kill me, or even worse, hurt my innocent family. i had no one to turn too to talk about it with, so everytime I would turn to drugs. Meth, that is. he would hit me everytime i was high around him, so in other words every ******* day. It was brutal. The day he left out of town was the day I left; I ended up having no where to go, my dad wanted nothing to do with me, and that killed me inside, so one night I ended up a a shack, and didnt leave. Im not goign to bother getting into that. Im sure you can imagine what went on there. Finally in june 2013, I met the love of my life, and he got me the **** out of there, and I never looked back. I moved in with him out of town and pretty much kept too myself, didnt go out much.. just sat at home everyday getting high. Our relationship had its ups and downs, still does, but we loved eachother. 6 months went by and I ended up getting pregnant, and I'm happy to say im finally sober! I guess I just needed a wake up call, I quit doing drugs on my own, and I aint going back to that life. I finally have somthing to look forward to in life now, I'm expecting a baby boy in july. Thank you everyone who stood by my side and helped me through my struggle I love you alll Xo

Goodness - I hope you are able to keep that long journey ever in your mind, during every single straight moment you enjoy until the end.

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Did you really mean to respond this way, with the bit that's already filled in?

(Also, by the way and more importantly, I've read your profile, and so I just want you to know that you can safely write to me, and (though it may not look like it from the outside) I will reply in no scary way. Please hang in there in any case.)

No. I was just vary upset and not paying attention.

? weird

Gosh. And this over a year ago. I wonder if things have improved at all. You have not responded to any of these, I see, so maybe you did not make it. I hope so, though.

Wow.. You have been to hell and back.. My prayers are with you and know you are not alone..

Hello: First thing you want to think of when quitting any habit or addiction is to think about how much you hate it and hate feeling like this.Most drugs are depressants so they make you depressed when you are withdrawing but i'm not here to tell you about the affects.You have to look at yourself as a young woman and place a high value on yourself that you respect yourself and like yourself, because if you are a nice person then you are liked which makes you a likeable person which also gives you the confidence to feel good about yourself.You a have a life and you can do anything you want to put your mind to, but it also falls in the company you keep because misery loves company.So remind yourself that your not company and start over with new people like family people. I tell people this regulary who are down that life is the best gift in the world and it's a very fine line from being happy in a warm house to somewhere you don't ever want to be out in the city.Smile sweetheart the sun still shines for everyone that wants to experience it.Feel free to email for any support from me as i come from a strong family and have had a few problems in the past myself but being straight is the best feeling you could ever feel.


Addiction is an illness . Welcome you are not alone.

Yes wow thank you for sharing that story. Substance abuse is a tricky thing once you start you can't stop. But I believe you can if you put your mind to it you have so much more to live for than the next high. Please consider getting serious help before its too late. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here for you. I can't say I know what your going through cause I've only ever smoked pot or cigarettes in my life ever but I do know what it's like to feel like you need that smoke... I've been there I was a chronic smoker smoked at least a pack a day for 6 years then I got pregnant with my son and made the decision that smoking wasn't worth it anymore because I wanted to see him grow up and have kids of his own my son is now 2 and a half years old and I have not smoked one single cigarette since I was 3 months pregnant. Hope this helps you even a little bit. I had no faith in myself that I could do it but I did and I succeeded maybe you could too. Good luck and I hope to hear from you.

Hope all is going well. Keep your head up and try staying busy cuz boredom is not always a good thing. God bless be easy and stay positive.

how r u doing after all of your story???

Luv u babe i wish to known u beter

Pretty touchy story, as if u live in a world where there is no such thing as God, and im really inspired by your honesty, really heart rendering events, even i had a troubled childhood, but after reading your story my mind changed, im pretty religious but when I come across stories like yours I get rebellious, the things you faced, being a child it is overwhelmingly unfortunate, I know its difficult but try to be positive and forget your past and try to improve your future, im sure that your experiences wud have made you very strong , alert, smart and die hard, now its up to you how you utilize these hard earned skills, if you use them in positive direction these will be better and your future might get on track, but believe me if you divert intentions towards bad which is pretty probable you will be sorry for your future. Anyways thank u very much for sharing your life ...........

thanks for sharing. i can't imagine what you are going thru or what kind of support you must by needing. i can only share with you what my lonely journey has shown me right now. the only truth is the love that you generate from your heart. focus on increasing that love energy from your heart and you won't need to focus on anything else. all other paths are subject to being deceptions. grow your love in your heart and you will be in harmony with the universe. it is my understanding that drugs prevent you from growing that love. if you don't know love, learn about it... the energy and feeling part.... and don't look to others for it. most people are busy hardening their hearts. you have an opportunity to open yours... thanks to your awareness. btw, judy collins, the singer, battled with depression and alcoholism. her video is on youtube. she is a beautiful singer. love, lili

hey typically faded my name is laurie hello to you i couldnthave saiditbetter i am really almost in the same situation itdoesget likeyou want to just close your eyesand have it over but ifoundout it doesnt ever ever go away i am just now trying to understand why i need to be high on herion the high isnt even good anymore basically using so i amnot sick know what i mean but anyway if u want to talk im here going through the same **** different day

If you are saying that you don't have anything to lose search in for Islam and read it will take a 10 min just try and trust me it will be sow helpful trust me

I give you a lot of credit, surviving all that and still trying. Do you have a relative or friend that lives somewhere else, where you can go to avoid all your triggers. You are young. There should be a counselor at your school that can direct you to resources to help u. You want to go UP, not in circles. Please don't abandon your struggle. Keep searching. Good luck and prayers.

Hey if you EVER need anyone to talk toil be there i will mot judge.

Fight for your life
Kick the habit
It's hard
You can do it
Good luck

you are so brave I am so overwhelmed with just how brave you are most people would have given up a long time ago

where and how are you now honey. do you need help ?

Im on day 10 being sober..withdrawls are horrible, my body aches and I have no apitite yet, there isnt a,minute that passes that I dont think about it. ive had two seizures this week but im still breathing so who em I to complain. new boyfriend, new friends, new start. Im taking it day by day....thanks for all your guys support really truely means alot.... Xoxo

There is always a good morning after a Bad Night. Good luck my friend you will come out of it for sure. whenever you feel like going back to those black days just come here and chat you will feel fine. ask for help here and we will be there for you.

Honey, you were completely right when you said that once you reach the bottom, the only direction you can go is up. So don't lose your faith, and don't be too harsh to yourself. Everytime you look at the mirror, don't start to judge yourself, look at your image and think about what you can be, where you can reach. And if you are finding it very hard to change, don't lose yourself, maybe you should call for help. Just remember that's not bad to let people help you, because sometimes, that's just what we need.
And maybe, you just need something to hold onto right now. Read the Bible, if you don't feel comfortable or secure enough to go to church. There are things in the Bible that can make you think twice about your life. Don't EVER, EVER, lose faith in yourself, because you are strong, and I know you can make it.
X, Laura

P.S: If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Always.

I can't even say anything.. I spend my life trying to help as much people as I can always trying to saying the right words but right now they just not coming out but tears

It's sad to think that I want to die and that I have problems when my life has nothing on yours. You must be the strongest person in the world. People like you give me hope.

Thanks everyone.

And after all of these you survive. My admiration towards your sunny attitude deep inside and please keep moving on because you deserve much much better :)

I couldn't have lived a life that on the outside is so different, but feels so similar. God knows what the answer is, but the one thing you seem to have on your side is insight and intelligence. Good luck.

best wishes for you. I am not a huger, but sending you 1 right now.

Surround yourself with better people. Smarter people. Sensitive people. Selfless people. Understanding people. You have to understand that 99.9% of your behavior comes from your surroundings and the people who surround you. Remember that you were not born this way, but you were raised this way. You're environment has raised you and now you're older and can distinguish right from wrong. You are an individual and can't let others determine what you do. You have been so hard on yourself with this addiction. It's time that you become selfish. YOU are your main priority now. You've told your story so I know you know it is a problem. Now you can fix it. You know you are worth way more than sleeping around for drugs. Your body is a temple and not a job. You are valuable. So treat yourself with care. As far as the addiction goes, never completely just stop drugs out of thin air. Slowly wiene yourself off of them. Go to rehab. They can help you. I promise if you do this and live through it, life will be so much better for you and all of what's going on now and what has happened in the past will just be a horrid beginning to a beautiful story.

Hey Tayxo,

I just want to also add myself as one of the many supporters that's commented already.
Your story was very sad and I hope you can truly find your way out of this toxic situation you are in.

Force yourself to chat to a counsellor, a therapist, a psychologist, anonymous groups. You will get better as you piece individual issues in your life back together one by one.

Don't give up hope. The past will always be there, but choose to forget and move on. Just try giving up one toxic thing every week without going back to it. Do something that introduces peace to your mind like learning a music instrument, practising yoga, exercising, fishing.. anything that will bring joy back to you.

Everyone's gone through something devastating, something embarassing, something that's just plain *******. People have gone to jail, had someone close to them die, has a terminal disease, has no friends, lost their limbs, have bad parents, have no parents, have no house, lost their friends, got robbed, got stabbed... you get my point. People will tell you that you're not the only one that's going through **** but you're entitled to feel the way you're feeling about life. But sounds like you're fed up with thinking this way. So perhaps its time you give yourself a few chances to try, try, try again to get your life straight back in good motion. It will take time but for the love of yourself, be persistent and find something more positive to do than do drugs.

Tell me one thing...if i would slap u hard across the face without any reason...what wud u do...slap me back...or slap urself again with ur own hands...?..the second thing is what u r doing rite now...people hav wronged u....and because they hav done so...u r wronging urself....jst in this case meth seems to be so soothing...its ur lyf...u live while others might give a damn about ur lyf...dont do the same urself...get into a rehab centre to get rid of the addiction....and....respect ur body...because u were sexually abused does not maen that ur body is a peice of dirt...its as sacred as it was before...and u cant gain love by means of ur body..u wud betr be alone than be with a fake lover....and the last a middle finger to all whom u think they deserve it...that will make u feel much much of luck...and plzz nxt tym u post something into EP...I want it to be cheery and full of hope

It is your choice what to believe in. I am glad you lay in bed and think. That is how I meditate. You do not have to make all the decisions. You can tap into the universe and allow a power to guide you. The dreams, intuition, and ideas that come out of your meditation will be positive.

Nothing any one says on here will make you do anything. You have to relize you need help and then progress in it I started drugs at twelve also only it was weed which is a gateway drug it became my everything but I got caught at school with it. I lost my best friends ability to go to school and I lost hope. I had a heart problem when I was ten my heart stopped all I remember was the peace I felt it's indescribable. So when I lost everything I wanted to go back to that place. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up but I always did and it got better and I relized death was the worst way out and if I ended it I don't think I would go to that peaceful place. All you have to do is convince yourself that he drugs and death is not worth it get help and know that it WILL get BETTER. Life can be so beautiful if you make it that way. It's your choice no one can make it for you. Goodluck.

I THINK: I know nothing.... that you are right. It's not your choice. BUT it is however, something that happened because you weren't keeping an eye on it. Not realizing it would screw you up. ALL those feelings about not wanting to wake up are NOT from you. It's how the drug affects the mind after prolonged use ! YOU actually have the hidden fight inside of you to write this. Your mind is still strong enough to see the reason to fight. You are still holding on to being happy and alive. ALL you need to do, again, yes again, is KICK the drugs *** and get help. Your mind will get stronger again, once the effects start to fade, and I believe you will do really well. I feel for you. don't care what people have said in the past, today and tomorrow belong to you. Go get em, and be happy. Fight for yourself..! All those good memories WILL come back and you will make new ones too. Put your hand over your heart, LOOK, you are right inside there, Let yourself hard, and you will never regret it.... love to you with all my heart... :)

you take care get a grip and get that crap out of your life b 4 your 40 years to late.

Holy shite... Meth ???your ******* your health away....I will never touch drugs...might try a bit of weed..but that's as far as it goes need to stop your addiction.

By saying it isn't a choice, you're merely refusing to accept responsibility. You have to be strong to get away from it, if you really want to get away from it, you need to understand that you can choose to. That ultimately, the only one who can help you is yourself.

If you ever need any type of help, I am here. I used to be addicted to some of those substances. But now I am mostly clean. My main to go to was heroin. I loved it. The way it felt. But I am clean for 9 months now. :) If you ever need to talk.

I also used to do heroin and have been clean from it for about 3 years! I havent done anything but drink (not very often) in over a year.

I've had very little experience with this sort of addiction - but I'm always here if u need to vent or scream, or even just chat
I mean it- anything
If you just wanna tell me things
Anything - ok
And btw - I do care

Message me if you want.