I'm Numb... Can Anyone Help Me Feel Again?

i hate writing... i really do. I have to be one of the worst spellers imaginable so there will probably misspellings or text spelling in this and for that i am sorry. Another reason why i hate writing is that i can never seem to find the right words to put on paper, i can tell a story all day long but if you ask me to write it i can't. but I'm numb and i don't now what to do. I'm the person that has always known what she wanted to do and has had back ups upon back ups in case something went wrong. i got into the hardest school in the city and my freshman year all i did was cry because i was used to never doing homework. then i was suddenly giving four hours of homework a day and not doing it meant failing. my mother wouldn't let me leave she said if i could get through the next 4 years then I'm set for scholarships and colleges. and i likes the teachers and students so i made it throughout that year. every year after that something has happened. grades, gossip, drama, high school stuff and home stuff. i've gotten through it all because i knew that i would get in a good school and leave... just be able to finally be myself not have to hide anything. a few weeks after senior year started i was given my GPA and rank I'm about a 3.0 and fifth from the bottom in my class, my school is very competitive. my applications were almost done with the schools i was going to apply for, and my councilors told me i wasn't going to get into them actually i probably won't get into any four year college or university. so i went around talking to recruiter after recruiter and my councilors were right none of the colleges in the state think i'd get in, but they still encourage me to try. i mean there is nothing wrong with community college just i have worked my *** off for four years, gone to hell and back to be told that thane ever wanted i can't have. all because my rank isn't good enough, colleges don't look at how difficult your school is, or your GPA because it is factored into your rank. my test scores are average because i don't have the best of luck and events kept happening to me when i tried to take the SAT and ACT. I'm used to life kicking me down but i never let my body touch the floor so i could get back up easily. I was pissed at first my grades slipped a bit then i finally accepted that I'm probably going to community college. thats when got numb... and stopped caring about everything. everything except for my job. i go to school half a day and work with disabled young adults at a school the other half. my job is the only joy in my life right now. my school has a policy "no school no work" so i have to go to school every day i go to work. i wake up crying because i have to go to school in order to work. thats the only reason why i am still there because if i leave my school i have to leave my job. when my job ends i scream inside because i don't want to go home. my home life has never been stable, and I'm bisexual. i have always been open about it to my friends, teachers, and some of my cousins. but i always told myself that i would come out to my family after graduation. now that its getting closer i'm having to think about it more and more and i'm tired of hiding myself i just want to come out already. but i know its not a wise thing to do right now. on top of all of this i have been drinking and smoking for years. i had never had a problem with it until last summer so i did quit but slowed down on both and had been doing good but with everything I'm just always wanting a drink or smoke and its getting harder and harder to say no. I'm not one to tell people my problems, even when something was wrong i always belt it in and kept on smiling. now that i really need help i have no one to talk to. i have been there again and again for my friends through all their drama but when i try and talk to them about mine now they make it about themselves or disregard it. this has made me rethink all of my friends, i mean really i have always tried to do the right thing and shown kindness why is it that when i need help kindness is not shown to me. my mom isn't helping either she's only getting mad and threatening. she is trying to make me quit my job but without my job, the only happy thing in my life, whats the point in staying at that school. whats the point in not just dropping out completely. I'm not one for suicide but every time i drive i pray someone rams into me and help me end it or someone hold up the store I'm in or me just leaving. i want to just drop everything and say " I'm bi and even though you have put me through hell i forgive you for everything you have done to me. but upon this forgiveness i will now forget and leave. goodbye." but as i said I always have to have a plan and I'm 18 with no money. if i left where wld i go what wld i do? i had a chance to graduate early last year and i didn't take it. i thought it cost to much and i wanted to graduate with my friends.... i regret that so much but i can't think about it because i want to cry. i refuse to cry about this situation so I'm just numb not wanting to do anything i haven't even sent out my college applications to the recruiter that said to try. but why try when there is no hope left?
jacjune jacjune
18-21
Jan 5, 2013