Living More Than A Life;

I just want to express what i feel, all my life its been so depressive. Everyone around me thinks my life is perfect, some even ask why i'm I always happy, some would like to be like me, some think that im stupid. Every day at work, school, church i seem to be very happy, always smiling, projecting good attitudes to people, positive attitudes, being energetic, never saying no in front of people, always willing to set my goals; At the end i am nobody. Deep inside my heart i just see this dark whole that will never be fixable. I feel like nothing. My secret; i hate my life with all my heart. One of the reasons is why was I born like this? why i turn to be gay? why changing now that im grown, why not before? I know so many things of life at the end i know nothing. The very few people i have always like or love never really loved me back. A lot of people say im beautiful but why it matters if the person you;ll like to be with is never there for you. I know something is wrong with me but i dont know what?.. I know expressing yourself to a computer could be rare but we all need to express what we feel. there are some things that will never say to somebody, things like this.also, I feel so depress, i know life is one and we gotta live it no matter what but what about if you dont fit in society? even tho we all have a reason to be here, even tho we all have a talent to develop? but what about if we are not happy enough to feel good with ourself? sometimes we do what we love to do but sometimes we just feel alone. Starting school from a very young age didnt help me neither because i was always the youngest one, the weaker one, the one that used to be bulled. When pple talk about their chilhood in school around me it makes me feel so bad because i had wish to have a normal childhood. I wish with all my heart that bulling would not exist, not only for me but for all those who get bulled. Why do people like to bull when they are young? is just not right i dont understand :(. Sometimes we just gotta try to forget our past and use it as an example of overcoming things in life, but at the same time that past come to you and always remind you or take to those sad moments. we always forgive but we will never forget.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

and what r u planning on doing if i may ask? my name is grecia and i feel just like that. i have a pretty good life, great mom, great friends, some what of a good boyfriend (he;s not very understanding) notreal sure about him anymore, i'm doing good in school, everybody thinks i have this great life but i truly hate it. HATE IT! and i don't know that to do with it. it makes me feel guitly because theres so many people out there with real problems u know? like hunger n war and illnesses. but am always just so sad, i've been like this sence i was 8 or 9 years old (some stuff happen) but i never told anybody because..welli don't know, i guess it's stupid know. all of my family are very together, and i just don'tknow how to ask for help...nobody knows. i've been addicted to pills sence i was 16...and nobody know because am a good liar, i smile and i go to school and get perfect (well not perfect..but pretty close) grades. am afraid they'll think and weak (with i am! i suck).
this boyfriend i was telling u about, we've been dating for almost 4 years now...am not sure about him. we used to smoke weed together, and one time i told him about the pills and someother stuff...he never really understood (he was like the punk kid and i has the good girl), well now his this whole new person (for better... snob xD) and he won't let me smoke or drink.. and i'm going crazy..literally am getting sick my body is starting to show how i feel, i;ve been sick all winter....i can't breathe, am always stressed, angry..all of that.
so please tell me whats u're plan.