I Don't Know Any More

Years ago, I felt so sure about everything. Now I don't even know. I don't even know where to begin with this.
I know I've always been a sickly person, not like cancer sick, but the usually childhood sickness that a normal child would get over would plague me for months. Now, I thought I had grown out of it. No. The asthma is back, the anemia, the allergies, and now lupus.
I am 23 and diagnosed with lupus. I should be out partying and living it up. After work, despite medicines, I still barely feel like doing any chores.

I do have a boyfriend. That's good right?
We've had this interesting thing where our butts have been burned by previous relationships so badly we want to just "keep it real" I guess you could say. We were to understand that we like each other and have fun, but only we as a couple can keep us together. I'm starting to feel like it's me as a couple keep us together.

It has worked for a solid year. Now, after that year has passed, I'm not sure what has happened. I admit my feelings for him have gotten stronger. I care about him way too much.
He, I'm not so sure about. Just this past weekend, he told me he believed he could never be in love again. The sound of my soul shattering echoed throughout my body.
I know he's got to care about me a little bit. He has always maintained this tough guy facade that he cares about no one.
Despite this, he will still take me to the doctor when I need to go, and for the somewhat be there for him when I need him.
Not always, though. If I need to call him, I'm not going to get an answer. If I text him, it can be hours or days before he'll text back. He doesn't get why this upsets me so. Oh, I don't know, I just worry about you?
I apologize for the excessive boyfriend drama, I shall continue through my trek.
And then my family. I still live with them, the doctor bills make it hard for me to get anywhere. I love them. I don't love being around 4 of them in a three bedroom one bath house. My aunt is very poor, practically homeless, and was bouncing houses between us and her siblings. Now she's with us full time. I'm about to sound extremely selfish right about now. I don't know what it is, but she turns this house upside down. Our dogs act out more. My dog is more vocal/aggressive. Mom's dog constantly pees in my room/more aggressive. My dad seems to drink more. My mom is more frazzled, and my brother is more of an apathetic douchebag teenager. Why should one person cause all that havoc?
This also brings me around to money/job issues. I pay for my aunts cell phone, by the way. Like I previously said, doctor bills, last may I bought a new car before all the doctor bill struggles, and (do not start making political comments) now thanks to the government another large chunk is taken from my paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy to have a job. It just seems like it's not enough, and yet I pour my life into it. It's a stupidly stressful job. I collect money from insurances. The sob stories I hear sometimes are overwhelming.

I know these problems are pettish to some, and pale in comparison to cancers, joblessness, divorcees, but they are my problems.

I'm just tired of feeling sad and alone.
My wishes: my boyfriend would voluntarily communicate more, my family would chill out, and my job be different.
For now I am stuck.
I guess I shall get my butt up since I have to leave for work in an hour, never mind that I've been up since two thirty.
Good morning and good bye
Eren89 Eren89
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

Hi Eren89. Sorry to hear that you have to go through that. You are correct in saying that it may not sound like something drastic for others and be thankful that it isn't, but it is your current situation. And keep in mind the word - current. The longest day has an end. Lupus can be a struggle and at a young age yet. Have you spoken to your doctor about any support groups in your area? Sometimes it helps knowing others and reaching out to others with the same problem. EP has helped me with my Fibromyalgia as I couldn't get any answers from the Medical community since it is not a recognized condition by most doctors. They all think it is in your head. You are young and based on your letter you are full of life and, even if you may not realize this, but somewhere in there I get the feeling that there is a strong person trying to get out. Do not under estimate her. You may be going through this now, but think of it as just a stepping stone in your life. You are young and have many many more years ahead of you. Don't settle for less. Sometimes negativity may surround us, but use that negativity as a leaning post pushing us towards our goals. You are where you know you don't want to be, so that tells you in itself you know where you want to be. Make that your goal and work towards it. You can use whatever spare time you may have volunteering in your community which would occupy your time away from the negative surroundings. It would give you a chance to meet other people and network. A good place to start is your nearby hospital or your Church. Networking is good because it gets you out there and when opportunities come around you are there for it. Some businesses rely on references from people they know personally for new hires. Volunteering not only helps the folks you are working with but helps you in the end as well. Do it to the best of your ability. Being conscientious and caring goes a long way. If there is a field or position you are interested in and you know that you are CURRENTLY not not qualified, then research it and see how you can become qualified for it. Rome wasn't built in a day. You are young and there are goals in our lives worth the struggle. A life without a goal is like a Captain of a ship not knowing where to steer the ship! Now for that boyfriend, most men don't know how to communicate their feelings and they're not chatty like women are. The moment people see a guy who spills his feelings readily, people tend to think that they're gay. Go figure! It took a long time for my husband to be able to communicate some of his past experiences with his family because there was allot of hurt there. I told him that I was there for him but, if our relationship was to grow, blocking it out was not helping but hindering. Knowing his past experiences helped me to understand his outlook on things and why he reacted to situations the way that he did. His personality and feelings for me had allot to do with it as well, though, because when things were tough we talked it through and worked it out. But it is a two way street. You need to share yourself with him as well. Communication is very important in all relationships - even in the bedroom! LOL But, if you feel about him the way that you say you do, without sounding whiny, tell him how you feel. A year is a fair amount of time to be going out to be able to ask him what are his intentions and his true feelings for you - but only after you have asked yourself what are your intentions. What do you want for yourself and where do you see yourself in another year - career and personal life. Do you think he is the one who would build you up and you him or not? All relationships, worthy of working through, are filled with compromise and communication. I am not saying that he is not good for you, only you can answer that. If necessary put your thoughts to paper so when you approach the subject with him you won't go off course. It could be that his past experiences cause him to not take you seriously. Don't expect immediate results. Sometimes they need time to process everything before coming back to you. The calling thing is important point, though. It would be courteous if he at least acknowledges your calls/texts in a timely manner. If he doesn't take you seriously then I think he made the decision for you and it may not be what you want to hear. Take your Mom out on some girl time. She might be frazzled because she needs a break. Maybe make it a date once a week, once a month. She's not going to last you forever. You may want to include your Aunt sometimes. Sounds like she doesn't have anyone. You may not want to hear this, but we can change the way others see us by changing the way we see ourselves. You are under estimating yourself. Be the good strong person you are. This should have been first, but many people nowadays are afraid to say the "P" word - PRAY. Put God first in your life. Life is full of struggles and He is always there watching our back. My son said to me once, "Mom I prayed to God for patience but more stuff happens. I guess that's how I know he gave me patience. I was able to work through them." You now have some work to do, young lady, :) God bless and Good luck.