Linger On Your Pale Blue Eyes

first of all, before i met this person i was super depressed: suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. i was reading through the DSM IV and found that my symptoms fit borderline personality disorder and i diagnosed myself. i started talking to him last January and initially i wasnt attracted to him. He is an intelligent person with perspective. slightly depressed with anxiety issues and i understood him. i liked him because he was honest and we had similar interests in film/music...wanderlust like whoa. Funny thing is that we went to the same Highschool and NEVER met! haha we were in the same year but ran in different circles (obviously). So as time went by we texted and by the end of february if i remember correctly, we were bf/gf. Our relationship was..different. We are both old souls so we wrote letters to each other. god it still hurts to think about it. we were like an old couple haha. I told him about my depression and how i was afraid he would leave me because of it, but he promised he PROMISED me he wouldnt because of that. and he did. If he had left for any other reason, i would be ok, but he promised it would never be that. (uhm i should mention that he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Illinois...long distance relationship).
so, in may he came and for one week i was so happy. he came to me and i felt real. I felt solid and he gave me love. I will never forget how he kissed my hand and how he would read to me before bed and the first time we spoke on the phone and his voice. his face, his eyes...
what i find remarkable is that in that week i fell so completely in love with him. i experienced Love. i love him.
two days before he left i told him maybe we should end it because....I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. i felt so disconnected, the rational part of me drifted from my body and someone else spoke. the fear or insecurity.
He cried, he covered his face and i LIKED that he cried for me, and THAT MOMENT i knew he loved me. everything made sense again, he loved me. I wiped his tears. he said i was "all that kept (him) going out there." well, there was no way i was going to let him go now.
FF to the day before he left. I was gone, my mind and body were detached. We were at this park and sat down...i said nothing. then he said he had thought about what i told him yesterday about breaking up. how it WOULD be better. i stopped listening. he said something about suffering because of me and how i used him. i did not understand.
the walk back to my car i cannot remember.
in the car he began to cry again and i felt nothing. i do remember him asking: " am i doing the right thing" or "tell me what to do"
i could not. I said "do what you think is right for you" and those words i regret. i wish for nothing more than to go back in time and tell him, yell at him "we love each other, we are weak to even think about breaking up. this is hard now and it will be hard being apart from one another but it will be ok, i will see you again. Dont leave me"
but i didnt. i drove him home.
in my room i cried like ive never cried before. i sobbed, i dry heaved into my pillow and hit the floor. i could never keep what i loved. i am so lonely. at 20 he was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first kiss and he left me.
after a sleepless night i put all his letters/books/movies in a bag and gave them to him the next day.
in the next couple of months up till august we went back and forth between being romantic and complete abandonment.
in early november we were texting and i told him i had a gatsby complex, waiting for a love that has already passed me by. i wanted him to say he still loved me.
he told me if "i wanted some truth" and i said yes, i want the truth.
he said he loved me as a friend, he cared about me. i had to leave him then. i was ashamed of myself for being so intrusive. i was under the impression he was still in love with me. when i think about it now i feel that he still is, that he will always be in love with me the way i am with him. then again, i could be wrong and i am incapable of moving on. there is no one like him. its technically been approx half a year and im still struggling. i thought i was a strong person. I always think about what we said, that it was not the right time: living in different states, different schools, we were beginning to live our lives....
maybe one day in the future we could try again. but im not sure about that since we no longer talk to each other. i dont know how much good time will do. Everything reminds me of him. its like a pang each time and i want to cry but i dont as much as i used to. i wish, sometimes that i hadnt met him.
but heres the ****** up part of it all. he cured me. i am no longer depressed. i have no suicidal thoughts, i am here and present. i am fine. I just wish i could tell him that. That i am ok because of him, he instigated a purging of emotion i had bottled for so long. haha, im fine now darling.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013