One Ordinary Life Story

For those people who will take the time and read this im warning you it may be lengthy, but I just need to tell my story in hopes that someone will care enough to listen. For starters something you might want to know about me is that im extremely self conscious even though I don’t let it on to people i know. The beginning of this story it starts with guys. Of course it does. Every heart break does. In my current state I would say I am a shattered person who has a hard time letting people close. In the past I’ve had some pretty ****** relationships if you would even call them that. The emotional crippling started with my first time. There came a guy who I actually genuinely developed feelings for over the course of a year and he seemed to express some sort of mutual feeling as well. So we hung out a lot, and eventually hooked up. After that night he told me he didn’t want a relationship. So I was left sitting there thinking “then what was this entire year about?” We even had the chance to talk through it and what he pretty much said was that ‘It’s just not worth it to have a relationship with you’. So that left me a little dumbstruck, sad, angry, and confused. Which is why when his friend started talking to me and consistently wanted to hang out I thought to my self “well this is harmless”. After a couple dates he asked me to be his girlfriend, but then after about a week he broke it off because he felt bad about doing that to his friend. Eventually he told me he did in fact think I was worth it but he just couldn’t live with the guilt he had for his friend. So we kept doing whatever it was we were doing and eventually we hooked up. About a week after that he shunned me out of his life as well. No explanation, no nothing. And im not exactly the girl to go after someone and bug them until I get an answer. Inbetween there somewhere I lost 2 of me very best friends but ill spare the details to limit this story. One thing you should know about me is that im the kind of girl who will take something and leave, not ever to look back. For me if someone doesn’t want you in their life, then why should you be there? Im not going to hang around if someone doesn’t want me there. Same reason for why I don’t like making plans. In my mind if someone wants to hang out with me, they will take the initiative. If im the one to make plans I just feel as though im invading their life when they might not even want me there. Which brings me to my last relationship. My last relationship ended in the shambles that I created. It all started when I began dating this guy. He seem cute, funny, nice, slight bit of a douche bag, but I honestly don’t think he know people saw him as a douche bag, and slightly socially awkward. So this kid and I eventually became boyfriend/girlfriend, and everything seemed fine. We occasionally fought, but nothing serious. Eventually things progressed, but one thing that bugged me about him was that the only thing we ever did was hook up. He confessed that it was simply because I ‘turned him on so much’, but he never made an effort to get to know me on an emotional level. The only thing we ever did when we hung out was hook up. I was always there for him when he needed me on an emotional level. But he was never really there for me when I needed him. I do have to confess I never actually brought up my issues, but he also never asked so I just thought he didn’t care about that. I have my issues and I didn’t think it was necessary to engulf him in them. I didn’t want him to worry about me or have to deal with all that emotional crap. He didn’t seem like a very emotional person so I just kept it to myself, and he never caught on partially because he never asked about it. So then occasionally we had more in-depth conversations, generally because he got upset about something I did or didn’t do like when I would never be the one to initiate plans. (he began to get upset more and more throughout the relationship) and then I told him something about myself and he would feel sorry for me and we would end the fight and it’d be okay. A couple times he threatened to break up with me because he thought I didn’t cared enough. Which was basically because I was used to being treated like ****, so I didn’t exactly know how to react and be all cutsie with him. Before him I was used to putting on a mask and pretending I didn’t care. I never expected much of him, because im not going to get mad or disappointed about anything someone does, but expected so much of me and i wasnt fair. Another thing that always bugged him about me was that he thought I always put my friends in front of him. Which in a way, I did occasionally, but that was because my friends made me happy on an emotional level. Something he never really did. And for me, when someone makes you genuinely happy on an emotional level that is so much better than anything anyone else can offer in the physical aspect. So yes, I will confess, I did occasionally put my friends above him. Which brings me to something he told me that made me never feel like he cared even when he told me he did. He told me “I don’t love you” which I was okay with because it was pretty early in the relationship and I honestly didnt expect more at that time, but then he went on and said “and I don’t think I ever could.” That one phrase stuck with me the whole relationship. So when I looked at our relationship all I saw was ‘we are having sex, but you don’t love me nor will you ever love me.’ This thought tormented me and made me question any kind of affection he showed me. Eventually I deceided to end it. Took me about half a year of this mental anguish to realize It just wasn’t working out, with the fights, mental torment I had to face on my own, and his persistency to ‘hang out’ constantly. Things werent going to get any better and I could see that, so I ended it. But when I look at my life and think about it. All I see is that guys have used me for sex and apparently im not worth it to be in am emotional relationship with. So that’s it. Now Im laying here contemplating how I’ve ****** over my entire life by making bad choices. How ive been used and just let it happen. How I have everything bottled up and no one there to listen. On the brink of an emotional collapse finding ease by releasing at least a portion of my thoughts and worries and to know that some one might care enough to read this. I apologize for the length, but thanks for listening. It genuinely means a lot to me.