Failing.Warning this will bore you to death, I just need to release my build up of thoughts;
I'm in my first year of A-levels and I'm doing Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Psychology and General Studies. Geek right? Well you wouldn't think so if you met me. For one, all of my friends are who most people would call 'the wrong crowd/stoners' and just doss around, most of them haven't even passed their GCSE's which is like the most basic form of education there is and only two have a stable job.
It kills me that they don't want anything from life but the more I try and inspire/motivate them, the more pissed off with me they get.
Believe it or not, I used to be one of the popular girls last year, however, I seem to have become more and more unsociable. I wouldn't really count any one from my Sixth form my 'friends' apart from Daisy whom is part of my outside of school friend group. She was so sweet and innocent till she met me and I blame myself for introducing her into my friend group, she now smokes like a chimney and has lost all motivation for life.
She's even missed so much school, she had to take the decision to either attend school everyday or leave. She's chosen to leave. As sad as this sounds, I don't really have any friends at school, none that I hang around with anyway. I hardly see my other friends as it is and my life is now ba
For what I plan to be and to get into Uni, I need a minimum of A*AA, I am aware that I am fully capable of reaching at least AAA, however, at the moment I am barely scraping a C. I have come a long way since the start of September, for example, I have quit smoking (illegal+legal), quit drugs of all sorts (I know it sounds awful), and I have limited myself to only seeing my friends at most, once a week. I haven't missed one day of school and I really am trying to get focused but for some reason, I am incapable.
When I try and concentrate in class my mind drifts to how I'm failing, distracting me from working myself, when I try sleep, all I can think about is how I'm not going to get where I want to in life, when I try and relax all I can think about is how I'm wasting my time where I could be working and making something of myself. I literally eat, sleep, dream and live thinking about how much I'm failing.
Anyway, when Daisy leaves, I really don't know what to do as I feel like she is the only way I can escape school work (even though I shouldn't). I will be alone for breaks and lunchtimes, I know this sounds childish and petty but I have a fear of being alone and the only way I' be able to escape that, would be to do more work, which I fear I cannot handle.
My family aren't really supportive and my friends are even worse, I know it's all up to me and I can only really change myself but I can't seem to focus or actually do all the work that I need too.
It's not motivation that I lack because if anything, I have too much, I just feel like I'm being lazy all the time and not putting in the effort that I should.
On top of this all, I have really low self esteem, it's not that I'm fat or unattractive because I know I'm not (sounds really vain) but I generally really dislike things about my body. And I know there is always time and everything, but I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, I feel like no one likes me, not necessarily for my looks, but because I have a horrendous personality (and I'm weird). I feel so judgemental and bitchy writing on here, especially about my friends as they've helped me through a lot, but, as much as I like to think I'm not, maybe I am.. I know I'm troubled from somewhere, I have really sick thoughts sometimes and I don't even know.. I like to believe I'm a pacifist and I try to be as less judgemental as I can and as nice as I can. I'm sorry for sounding so stupid on here, but I think I need to see a Psychiatrist really, I tend to bury down all my emotions. People have told me that I am doing too much, but if I do any less than I'm doing now, it will only get worse and thats something I cant afford to do. I just need to find a way to balance all this, but there just aren't enough hours in the day.
My biggest fear is that I'm not going to be able to succeed in what I want to do an not earn enough money to help my Mum because she works like a bastard for me and I plan to repay her, for all that she's done for me. I just feel like I'm failing this and will just be a failure to everyone.
I don't know what to do anymore.. :/
ImNotAlice 18-21, F 1 Response 1 Jan 30, 2013