Lonely...I am not a very confident person, I am in fact, a push over. I cry at the slightest of anger and I cannot help it. I’m not brave. I am, in fact, a coward. I don’t handle sudden changes, aggression or outbursts very well.
I hate myself. Not in the suicidal sense, please, don’t worry about that. But really, I do. I’m fat(I used to use the label chubby, but who am I kidding?), unmotivated and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried to change my body and it’s hard. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but it’s hard to stay motivated. As a result, my self esteem is ****. I don’t understand why anyone calls me beautiful. I cannot look at my body in a mirror most days because I know exactly what is going to looking back at me. Shame.
My marriage is in shambles and there's nothing I can do about it. I've tried and it doesn't feel like enough. We've had the talk. We are now talking in terms 'If we get a divorce', 'If we stay together'... I'm not sure who we are kidding anymore. Sure, I am getting along far better with my husband as a friend then I ever was as his wife... but there are days I just want to destroy everything. Like today. I love him. And I hate him. And today I'm frustrated and I feel alone. I've thought about talking to a professional about this. But ******* it, I don't need to be told that what I already know. I know I need to work on myself, I know I need to stay motivated, I KNOW MY MARRIAGE IS FAILING! But it wasn't supposed to. I know it happens but that doesn't make it any easier. I spent eight years with this man. It was my childhood dream to beat the odds and be a one marriage woman. I feel like I've utterly failed myself and failed my dreams in more ways then just this. And I don't need to hear this all from a professional. I know it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I apologize if this is just... unanswerable. I'm not entirely sure what I'm seeking here... perhaps to just not be alone. Not right now.