I'M Sorry...

I have a long road to recovery with my past. I can accept that. But what I don't accept is why it had to be me. Yeah it could be worse but it hurts a lot. I've even been tempted to just end my life or even cut to get rid of my pain. I never tried though I guess my daddy taught me well. He's not the best dad either. But niether is my mom. Ever since I can remember(3 years old), my dad would constantly beat my mom and yell at scream right in front of me. He was in and out of jail till 2001 when my third brother was born. But my parents still fought and screamed at each other.. I could never understand why. I thought they loved each other of maybe that's what love was... My fourth brother was born in 2005; then we moved from the country to a city. Now make note, we moved to a city with quite a few racist people and I have a black dad and a white mom. Everything was fine got a year , no fights, I fit in at school had new friends. It was great. But then the fighting started again, people would call me a ****** when I was walking down the street. Still what am I doing wrong to cause this... I'm sorry mom I'm sorry dad.. I'm sorry strangers I cause you pain.. Please someone tell me what I am doing. Ill stop I swear. It went on the cops got called my mom would move out and take us. We'd start somewhere new and then move back. The fighting got really bad because my mom started using crack... She picked that over her kids most of the time. People started looking at me weird. I started using pot to get rid of the stress and it worked. It pushed back. Now it's all coming forth at a time I don't need it. At a time when I have no one to lean on. I am left to show my brothers that dverything will be okay that I love them, that they can depend on me... I'm only 16. My dad was put in jail for some kind of assut to my mother. He left and I knew it was over... My mom couldn't keep the bills paid, or the house clean. She slept all day while I roamed the streets high; and my brothers doing god knows what... I should of been there for them but I just didn't want to accept this. Soon the house was unliveable & my mom got a new boyfriend that brought us to hotels to sleep. One day sonething bad happened. It's my fault; my mom got put in the mental hospital. And that's the day we entered the foster care system. I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry dad. I failed you.