Can I Trust Anyone?

i had a rough day. no one understands how i feel about what is going on for me right now, and on top of having physical illness issues, it is getting to me. i cut today for the first time in like a year or two. i ended up giving the pills i bought and the blade to staff at my mental health rehab site, but i dunno. i even tried to go talk to someone at our local crisis center - but i got lost trying to get there and spent an hour and a half on the bus before deciding to just return home. it's kinda complicated what is happening. i have been trying to change my treatment team since the old one wasn't doing anything to help me, never got to know me in the year plus i have been with them, and tell lies about me to others and do pretty much anything to rile me. i have been in arguments with them and the county rep and insurance trying to get them to fill out my referral so i can get my insurance to change my providers so my new ones are covered and i don't have to keep paying out of pocket for them (and i am on disability and poor as dirt). anyway, my old therapist came by today, FINALLY, to have me sign my referral. so she gave it to me to look over and sign, and i noticed she filled out under the risks assessment that i harm others. i said to her i have never harmed anyone, i don't know what you are talking about. she told me well you were accused of assault before. i was like well someone falsely accused me and the charges were dropped because she had no evidence and no case since nothing happened. then the therapist proceeds to tell me, well i KNOW you did do it though, i replied you can't KNOW i did anything because i KNOW i didn't and I was there, you weren't. so she repeats two more times, well i know you do it i have proof. i yelled at her what proof do you have, the charges were withdrawn, her story didn't mesh with the legal people, and you have never even asked me what actually happened between us. she has the nerve to yell back - i will NOT have you disrespect me by yelling at me - i yelled in return - disrespect? who is disrespecting whom - you just accused me of harming people based on nothing! then she yells at me - i am going to count to ten and you can sign the form and i will send it in, or else i am leaving and not doing this. i yelled back i am going to finish looking it over to make sure nothing else is false. she proceeds to yell ONE TWO THREE... at TEN she storms out of my apartment and says I am not doing the referral. kind of a dumb threat though since she HAS to do it, but i have a meeting with the county, my house, and her tomorrow and they will make her do it anyway. but the thing is, i don't like being accused of things i haven't done, especially after waiting months with these accusations from someone else and finally getting them erased. i was mad enough at the original accusations - then mad at the treatment providers for going along with them instead of ever bothering to ask me about it - and then they proceeded to pass on to everyone i work with and contact that i am a dangerous, violent, harmful person. every care provider etc i have talked to whom has been told these things by them has told me they see they aren't true. it's libel. i don't know how they can keep getting away with it. then these fights come up (and WHY i must ask would my supposed therapist knowingly agitate me when there was no need to and keep pointing out that she is not on my side!) and then they pass on a skewed version of the argument to others and i get further stigmatized. anyway, i reported the argument to my staff, and she told me that my account matched the woman's account except that she had said the form asked if i ever assaulted anyone (not that that really matters) and i said it asked if i harm others - i showed the staff person the form, and she saw i was the one who was correctly reporting it. plus i showed her the woman filled out i harm others, but didn't find it important to check off that i harm myself (the bulk of my issues and why i am in treatment), and then filled out things like unknown if i commit arson, skipped whether or not i have ever damaged property, and if i have victimized anyone. i argued to the staff here that this made no sense because she was attaching importance to unsubstanciated accusations against me while totally skipping over what it is i am in treatment for!
the thing that makes this all so much harder on me, is that my whole life i have been treated this way. my mother abused me from a kid til 17 when i cut off from her, and she would make up things about me, falsely report stuff, etc and my teachers, police, doctors, etc would take her word even when provided evidence that what i was saying in stead was indeed the truth because they had calls of abuse, reports of different things happening, evidence of my mother's drunkenness, etc. so it's like i escaped the abuse and my mom at 17-18, went away to school, moved cities, got a job, etc and now, 15 years later, it is all happening again - but instead of my abuser perpetrating it, it is the very people who are supposed to be helping me recover form the years of abuse -my therpaists. that just doesn't make any sense to me and leaves me questioning myself, my past, and the very things that make me me. like i wonder did i make things up, am i delusional (every doc i've met has said i am definately not delusional), was i born evil and that's why it all happened, did i deserve it, do i still deserve it, is there something about me that is just innately wrong, etc. and i have NO one on my side to support me, no family, friends, etc - so it is like the world against me and i have no reassurances just people ganging up on me, blaming everything on me, etc. i am a pacifist. i believe heavily in my responsiblities and morals. when i get assaulted, i just stand there and take it but don't fight back. heck, i am a vegetarian because i am so meek i couldn't even harm an animal for my benefit. i was abused AS A KID - could i really have deserved it??? all of that, on top of having these physical issues, i am drained, upset, depressed, scared, isolated, alone and wonder will it ever end. can i trust anyone? will i ever be able to? will people ever give me a chance and base their judgements of me on my own choices and behaviors? i don't know. i just, i don't know, all i want is to work on myself, get better, recover, feel purpose, meaning, worth, and it seems all anyone else wants is to knock me down and prevent my attaining that. sigh.
Androgosane Androgosane
36-40, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2013

You should learn a little at a time to trust yourself bc humans are a moving target and none if us sit still fir any length of time wether its in our minds, emotions, or physical . If I were you I wud start with meditation or silent time every morning. 15min is fine. Only think of one thing alone wether it's a hum or a thought or a bell or fixing your sight on something just pick something you can focus on without distraction. Relax, and just let any thoughts enter your mind and let them go and focus on your subject again and again till the 15min r up. Each day u will get better at this and you will begin to see clearly wat you need to do for yourself from a whole different viewpoint. Trust yourself...