Well Here Goes...

I was listening to a song a little while ago, and like a lot of songs do these days, it made me think about my life and all the things I am missing out on, and I started to cry. I don't really have anyone to talk to that's helpful or anyone I feel comfortable talking to in real life, so I plugged "need someone to talk to" into Google and this group popped up. I've been looking for a place like this for a long time, though I'm not sure why. There's not much advice anyone can give that I haven't already heard, there are just a lot of reasons I'm not really able to put any of that advice into practice. It sounds bad, but I guess sometimes it just feels good to put your story out there and have people try to help you, tell you they feel for you, just to know someone out there CARES. Not that the people around me (my family) don't care, they're just too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems to help me. So anyway, it's not much, but this is my story...

I am 21 years old, morbidly obese, and have a leg condition called lymphedema, which causes them to be constantly swollen, and sometime have open wounds. The small private school I was going to about six years ago now cut off their high school program and I homeschooled from then on, mostly because my mom was worried about me being relentlessly made fun of for my weight at a larger school, as she was when she was young. I felt abandoned by my classmates, who I thought were my friends, because I never heard from them again. So I sat at home and did nothing but schoolwork and eat. I gained even more weight and developed my leg problem. Today, I am 21, Obese, have swollen legs, can't drive, have no friends, no social life, haven't started college, and haven't had any of the experiences I should have had by this point in my life. (What I yearn for most is to have a romantic relationship with a girl, which probably comes at no surprise.) I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself in the real world, but I still want to be a part of it. I literally do nothing all day, and messing around and the computer and junk doesn't count. I don't want to be this way. I want to have a life, but as my name suggests, I'm trapped. Or at least I feel that way. I'm sure there are things I could do to turn my life around, but I don't have the willpower, and I don't have the help I need. I was in the hospital for five weeks this summer when my legs got out of hand. They didn't know enough about the condition, but they did help me somewhat. They did something they call compression wrapping, which made the swelling go down, but as I sit here, they've already ballooned back up because we weren't able to do the wrapping at home. I really should see a specialist, but there isn't one in town that we know of, and my mom makes me feel bad about needing medical help. She's always complaining about how me and my elderly grandmother are always sick and needing to go to the doctor. I guess she thinks we should just suck it up, because she has a bad ankle that she never gets any help for. I also lost some weight in the hospital and was trying to diet for a few weeks after I got home, but I fell off the wagon, and once again, my mother didn't help. After telling me about how we weren't going to be eating out much anymore, she started bringing fast food home too much. Because she doesn't want to fix dinner every night when she gets home from work, which is understandable, but there are other options than eating out. I can't drive because the size of my legs doesn't allow me to properly use the pedals, not too mention my belly is too big, but that's not as big of an issue. At the moment, I am getting around pretty well, and I GUESS I could go to college, but I don't know. Someone would have to drive me (probably my grandma), sounds like a good bit of walking, and I don't know about seating arrangements. I really don't want to take online courses, which is what I did for high school, but I may have to if I want to extend my education. Doesn't get me out there in the real world, meeting new people, forming new relationships. That's assuming I could even do that, given my social ineptitude. I see the way people look at me when I do go out. Heck, I find fat people kind of disgusting, too! But I feel like a real freak. Would I be accepted? Would people approach me? I doubt I'd be able to approach them. I feel lost, in a black hole that there's no way out of. I'm miserable and can't continue like this. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Thanks for reading if you did. I wrote a lot more that I thought I would, but it felt good to get it out. See you guys around.

Trapt Trapt
18-21, M
3 Responses Sep 18, 2008

Baby steps.<br />
Start slow and work up to more activity.<br />
Set a small goal for each day.<br />
Nothing huge.<br />
I might make my goal for the day clearing off a table and putting on a fresh table cover and then place flowers in the middle.<br />
Maybe it will take me several days to get around to it,but I get a good feeling when it finally gets done.<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
Be kind to yourself and try and stop blaming yourself for things that might not be your fault.<br />
Very little is known about the causes of many health problems including weight.<br />
There are a million theories,many of which are incorrect. <br />
Chemical and other imbalances are proving to be causing a lot of problems.<br />
There is a book that helped me a lot with many issues in my life.<br />
It is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.<br />
Please read it?<br />
Many Blessings to you,and remember I will always be your friend.<br />

wiseowl has given you some great advise. I can't add a single word to her comments. Take care....Hugs

thanks for your story and sharing those deep feelings. You do need to get well. You can't live this way and you are so young and oh my, I love the way you write. Let's add intelligent. Do more for yourself. Try not to lean on or wait for mom to come thru for you. The more you do the more confidence you will acquire. It sounds like getting out and about is very hard to do. naturally you need a healthy diet. Confidence is key. You have had a hard road to travel.Most of the work is up to you. I wish you a better life.Sincerely..hugs