Seriously thinking about ending it all. I'm in a really bad situation. Let me start off by saying that I have only two real friends, and have lost nearly my entire family in the last few years: my beloved dog, aunt & uncle all passed away. And now I have to deal with the current situation that I'm going through.

I'm an idiot. I never should have done this. My life is over now. I am running out of money, drive an old car, and am worried about my economic future. I let myself get sucked in by someone who I thought was a friend and cared about me, and I am beyond depressed about this situation.

This girl, on her second day at work, was moved to the desk next to me. Was initially quiet, but eventually started chewing my ear off. We couldn't be more different on the surface: I'm pretty straitlaced, while she has a lot of tattoos. She did time for drug possession/distribution (heroin). This is a person I would have never bumped into anywhere, except it just so happened she was hired at my place of work. But I was convinced not to judge her and to give her a fair shot. After all, we had to sit next to each other, so I figured I would make the most of it. We got on well, and she often brought in something for me to have for breakfast. I returned the favor by getting breakfast once or twice a week as well. We started talking outside of the office: for what it's worth, she asked for my number. She was out of the office a lot, sick and because she decided to attend the wake & funeral of a friend a couple of hours away in New York. That, along with her only bringing on one new customer during her time with the company, led to her eventual termination a few months later.

Anyway, as it turns out, she went back to her old habits while she was still working. There's a bunch of other things that she wasn't really honest with me about. But I know that's par for the course with people battling addiction. I was the best friend I could possibly be to her: drove her where she needed to go, lent her money, the whole bit. I wanted to get out of it, especially after seeing how she had lied about certain things, and taking into account the area where she likes to hang out (it's a bad neighborhood with lots of crime).

We stopped talking for a few months ... then she came back. Idiot that I was, I really thought we were just going to be normal friends, without all the "favors". But the cycle started all again. She's been arrested twice this year. I'm out so much money because she tugged at my heartstrings with all of her sob stories: I remember the good times, and there were some - at work, out of the office in the decent neighborhood where her parents live, and the occasional night we spent together. She was affectionate toward me, and that was something that was missing in my life that I desired then and still want now. I hung on to that, and against my better judgment, tried to help her to my own detriment. And here I sit: out a ton of money, lonely, dejected, feeling like I got nowhere, and maybe at the lowest point in my life.

She says that she's going to be starting rehab in a few days. She also swears that she's going to pay me back with money from an injury settlement she's about to receive (was the victim of a hit-and-run and had her arm broken in the process - her arm had been in a sling for a few weeks) - I got that promise a few days ago, then supposedly her voice went out, and we haven't talked since. I sent a few texts, but got no response when that was going on. I have something in writing from her saying that she will pay me back, though I don't know if it will hold up in court. She's also been kind of a drifter, moving from address to address in recent months. She left her family's house after her second arrest (though she still talks to them). I did see her family from time to time: we had the occasional visit, had dinner once or twice, and have occasionally had brief discussions with her mother on the phone in the past few months. I tried writing her something to tell her what I was feeling and how depressed I was, but she didn't seem to pay it much mind.

As stated earlier, I am an introvert. I have few social contacts. I have no one that can help me if I need work, if I need a break on expenses, and other things. That's the disadvantage that I face given my social ineptitude. Even though I like having time by myself, I see happy people with large groups of good, reliable friends and wish that could be me. It's absolutely devastating to finally break through with someone, only to find out they were only using you and taking advantage of your kindness. But I deserve it. I let it go on for as long as I did. I'm an idiot. I deserve to suffer.

I saw this person against my better judgment, and against the advice of my family. I'm experiencing suicidal thoughts and sadness beyond what I ever could put into words. I'm fighting tears writing this, and when this situation comes to my mind, my eyes well up and I start moaning and having nervous twitches. I have to leave the room if I'm with people until it passes. I probably should see a psychiatrist, though I definitely can't afford that right now. I feel like pulling myself out of what I'm mired in is going to be nearly impossible. Sometimes I feel like there's only one way out, and I really don't want to take it. Given the nature of this situation, I am really uncomfortable discussing it with my few immediate friends and family members. I really could use some help and support, and desperately need some good news after all of the disappointment I've faced over the last few years. And I hope I won't be judged or scrutinized too much for my actions, even though they were incredibly idiotic and I probably deserve it. Of all the people I could have hit it off with, it had to be this one. I swear I am among the most unlucky people walking the face of the earth. I don't know if there's a free and confidential number I could call, but that might be helpful. I feel hurt, betrayed, and as if there's no hope and no reason to hang on any more.
forestlaw77 forestlaw77
36-40, M
3 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Just a few things that I wanted to tell you.
One no one deserves something like that. It's not your fault and you dident do anything wrong. You dident choose for this to happen.

I am a heroin addict. Used for years. Lied stole cheated hustled everyone. That's what we do. Addicts are useally very attractive, great lovers. And we know how to play every game, and we play them all very very well.
Just know whatever she told you or felt for your was real.
We truly don't wanna hurt the people we hurt but out addiction is much more powerful then our will. It's crazy and it's hard to understand for someone who actually experiences it and probably impossible for someone who dosent. We don't know what we do what we do.
She dident mean to hurt you.
I'm not saying that you should trust her or let her get to you again.
I also have very few friends and also wouldent ever be able to ask for financial help.
As far as the money I know that's tough. But people and life will surprise you. At every time my life got bad, and there have been some bad ones. I wanted to die it was over there was no way I could ever fix it or get out of it. Something crazy would happen. Someone would help me. Either cutting me a break on debt or buying me lunch it doesn't matter how little or small any of it is.
Money comes and goes. That's life. Money isant a reason to end life. Life is far to beautiful for something like money to ruin it. Time changes everything so give it time. Something will happen and it will get better.
As far as her, I know you want her to pay you back, but maybe when you talk to her show her you care more about her getting better then the money. When I was still useing if all someone cared about was their money I burnt em even harder cause I know the true insignificance of it. Not that it was right of me to do. But people who cared about me I always tried to show them I dident mean to hurt them. So be genuine with her. Even if she dosent respond make sure she knows how you feel or what you felt and that your hopeful about her recovery.
No amount of money is worth anyone's life. Give it time. And a hear from now you'll be glad you dident maybe you'll even laugh at how you got yourself out of it.

Last thing funny example I have
I moved up to DFW 6 months ago to detox from my Recent relapse. My family wanted nothing to do with me. So I was gonna detox at my uncles place. Well I drove up from San Antone dope sick. When I got here two of my uncles jumped me. And left me 30 miles out of Stevenville in the middle of no where. At this point in my life I knew it wasn't the end and rather be depressed that I just went threw that and want it all to end. I laughed and though it would be pretty amazing to see how it all played out. Oh it was also 1 in the morning and 30 degrees outside and I was wearing jeans and a white t. He took my phone keys lighters smokes everything I had on me so I had nothing. Anyways I got out of it. My parents let me come home. I detoxed and I'm clean to this day. Still at home to. I'm about to start college in a week. And it's pretty amazing how great some shity things can work out.

Sorry that was so long

I appreciate the message. It was quite insightful. It's good to hear the perspective of someone who has been there. You sound like you have a lot of interesting stories to tell, and I'm interested in reading them if you have some posted.

The money thing is consuming me a lot. It distracts me from things that are going on around me. Every time I think about it, I just kind of get these feelings ... like I've been poisoned or something, that's the only way to describe it. I have to go out of the room, let it pass. I'm not comfortable discussing this with people I know for a number of reasons. Probably the best thing to do is distract myself as much as possible with other things. Keep my mind occupied as much as I can.

I really want to believe that she gives a damn about me, and that everything I did wasn't in vain. But I sent several texts on Friday, followed it up with a call on Monday, and then one more call & text today ... and nothing. This girl put me through absolute hell with the money requests, the favors (I picked her up from the hospital while at work and then drove her 20 miles to where she was staying: I thought she was going back home to recuperate, which was maybe 1 mile away), and the calls at inappropriate times. And during these last few months, she did nothing for me in return. In spite of this, I always lead off with concern about her well-being in all of our conversations. I don't even directly allude much to the money: the closest I come is mentioning how I have been sick and not feeling well and hope that she figures out what I mean by that. The one negative thing I usually mention to her is how much I hate the neighborhood she chooses to reside in (which she says is because she knows people there). Other than that, I try to keep it as positive as possible, try to give her words of encouragement. I have often written her letters of support to help her move in the right direction, but I don't know whether or not she actually read them completely or made any impression on her. All I know is at this point I'm hurting real bad, and I'm not sure what course of action to take going forward now that I've tried to make contact with her and haven't gotten anywhere. I just feel really used. I held on to the good memories of the past and hoped that she had feelings for me, either as a friend or otherwise. But it seems like she came back into the picture just to take advantage of me, and I'm really disappointed.

I'm get back to you soon I was just going to sleep but I jus skimmed threw this and would love to keep talking about your circumstances. Tomarrow evening I'll re read and then message you

Thanks for all the support. I will take the time to personally respond later. The thing that also made this difficult was that she's been in and out of the hospital for a number of things. A couple of things I can vouch for (arm swelling, liver problems), and others I'm not really sure of (the claim that she was pregnant a few months ago and needed an abortion - for what it's worth, the two of us never went there). Besides all this, she does other things that really annoy me, like call me in the early morning and while I'm at work on the office phone (I leave my cell phone off a good part of the time now because of these calls at inappropriate times). I'm really wishing I never would have gone back, because it appears that her intentions of rekindling our friendship were completely ill. I hope to be proven wrong, and I really don't want to go back to that bad neighborhood to see her. But we might be seeing each other before she goes to this place, and I'm hoping it's in the safer area with her family.

I dont think anything you really did was idiotic and you shouldnt say that. I DO think however that you did get taken advantage of. Please dont give this person anymore money if they ask. Im not saying dont help them but my rule and its a good one, is i loan people money once and if they dont pay me back then it just dont happen again.Same thing with helping them out, if I help somebody and they screw me then theyre not a friend to start with.

Also being in a bad financial sittuation is not a reason to take your life. I understand its a lot of pressure and everything but i promise its not the end of the world. I just got back from walking my dogs which i started doing a few weeks ago, beacuse it helps with depression. Why am i depressed? Because like you i dont have many friends except im even worse off than you in some ways im on disability for it so i sit everyday with little to no contact with the outside world except what i have on the computer.

Man ive had so many people take advantage of my good nature through the years i couldnt even count on both hands but i still keep going. I got down the other night, as a matter of fact look through my experiences and find the one that says im suicidal, youll see. So i really do know what youre going through.

For what its worth id be happy to be your friend and talk with you or whatever i can do to help. But the truth is theres no easy answers when it comes to people and this wont be the last time youre faced with this kind of sittuation. Theres a lot of users in the world and sometimes its a tough choice between self preservation and trying to figure out whats right and wrong in a world with no black and white but a bunch of shades of grey.

Youre not alone man, theres a lot of people out here struggling, and a lot of people been lied to and used. Put those thoughts of killing yourself out of your mind, that wont solve anything, thats only going to put more pressure on the people left in your life who do care. Just talk to them about this, or talk to people on here. Go to a church, sometimes thye offer free counseling or the local mental health. Point is find somebody to talk to about this and make a plan to get back on your feet.

Its not an ideal sittuation but sitting there feeling like its the end wont do anything. The reason i say that is i been there myself, multiple times. Youve gotta pick yourself up dust yourself off and follow through with whatever plan you decide on and its just as simple as that.

This aint the end of the world i promise.

Sorry this happened, it's what addicts do. If you have a note from her file a claim against her in court to get your money back with interest owed. Don't take this. Someone will help you at the court if you have questions. Best of luck

I have a signed and dated note that lists the amount owed at the time, states that the amount given was a loan and that she agrees to pay it back. I didn't have the time to draw up something more formal, but hopefully if I ever decide to take her to court, that will be convincing enough. I'm frustrated about this whole situation. She was so good to me when we were working together, and after she was let go, I guess what may have been her true colors came out. She always tells me that she loves me and makes promises to me (some of which I have on text - I don't know if I could use those in court), but I feel like it's all empty. I really did feel for her and offered to help her many times in situations that didn't involve money, but that apparently was not enough for her. We haven't talked in a few days, and I'm not sure if I'm going to initiate contact between us for the time being. Thanks for your encouragement and support.

Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words. They really mean a lot. The thing I love about EP is it's the only place where I can truly be myself, and find people who I can identify with. I've come and gone since I discovered it nearly two years ago, but in spite of the changes, it's still the most meaningful social network I belong to. Honestly, the thing that's frustrating about this girl is there are times where I wish that I could just shut her out and ignore her for a while, but then she calls me at work on the office phone. That's the disadvantage of having worked with her in the past: she knows where I am. I've put too much time and effort into this place to just up and leave because of this one person pestering me at times. I'm still more or less doing what I did when I started two years ago, but at least it's been stable and there may be opportunity for growth. Thanks again for everything, and I hope to talk more with you soon.

No problem i hope things get better for you. Feel free to add me. Best of luck with everything.

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