A Lot to Read, So Bear With It Please.

Need opinions. Please. It's a lot to read, but I think it's all relevant in one way or another. Thanks for your time, I really appreciate it.


The Situation.


I told the gf that I wouldn't talk to the ex anymore.

I continued to talk to the ex behind her back.


I told her that the ex and I haven't been talking.

She probably knows that we hadn't stopped talking, due to certain facts that I was too careless to hide.


On the phone, she said I would be thinking about it all night if we talked about the situation, and she wouldn't answer me when I asked if she was gonna break up with me.


She's almost definitely going to break up with me. That's nearly a fact.


I don't deserve to date her after lying the way I did. But there's one thing that she should never have asked of me.


She asked me to stop talking to my best friend. My best friend. It doesn't matter that she's a girl, or that we dated. She's my best friend. Hands down. It's been that way for 7 years.


The Ex.


We knew each other for a long time before we started dating. We were really good friends then. She had a boyfriend who ignored her, and I was always there to comfort her. They weren't a good match for each other. They eventually broke up, and after a while, we started dating.


As a couple, we were the best. Nonsense pet names back and forth constantly. We loved all the same stuff: video games, food, movies, music...and she was easy to talk to since we already had a history as friends.


Hard times fell on us as with any relationship. I found out that she had cheated on me with her ex. We broke up. She really, really hurt me. The next few weeks went by as a blur. My friends all hated her. I still loved her. I didn't want to live without her in my life. You all know how the story goes. We got back together. It was a long time before I could trust her again. But as time heals (almost) all, we went back to normal. Things were great again. Haha.


Her mom met a guy who lived in Texas (We're from Missouri), and eventually married him. She had nowhere to go, so she had to move. We tried staying together, but as anyone who has tried to hold a long-distance relationship will know, it's nearly impossible. After a few months, she broke up with me.


Two-and-a-half year relationship. Some of the best times of my life.


After she broke up with me, times were rough. But we eventually started talking again, and we realized we were still close. That was cool with me. She was dating someone now, and it hurt, but I got over it eventually. We rekindled our friendship, and that's all it was. Friendship. We were even still on the same cell phone account together.


I eventually started dating again, but I never could get into any girls the way I got into her. I guess I wouldn't let myself get close to anyone.


Then a girl came along, and I started to feel things I hadn't felt in a long time.



The Girlfriend.


The girlfriend is actually someone I met while dating the ex. She was dating someone I knew in high school, but wasn't really good friends with, although we shared a lot of the same friends, and had hung out on occasion. Eventually they broke up. They were together for 2 years or so.


We hit it off this New Years, and it was awesome. Finally, another girl I could see myself marrying eventually. Our personalities matched so well, it was scary. Our relationship got serious very quickly, but I always felt like she had some secret, and she was always somewhat reserved because of it.


After a while, she told me. Her ex, the guy I knew in high school, was abusive to her, and threatened to kill her several times. He even forced sex on her. She told me about an ex she had in high school that was the same way. I felt horrible for her. She explained to me that she was in counseling, and that she was getting over it, bit by bit.


When we first started dating, it was okay with her that I still talked to my ex, but as time went on, she was less and less happy about it. She eventually asked me if I would stop talking to the ex. I had explained to her multiple times our story. She still wasn't comfortable with it. Out of respect for our relationship, and because of her difficult past, I told her I would. I really didn't want to, though, which is why I never actually stopped. The ex and I both agreed that it was unfair of her to ask that, and continued to talk anyway. I told her that we'd have to keep it secret.


Now the girlfriend is likely on the verge of breaking up with me, and I have no idea what to do. I have three choices: Be a bad friend, continue to lie, or lose my girlfriend. Which is the lesser of three evils, I wonder?


I really have no idea how to end this. It's poorly written, and the train of thought is all over the place. It was really all just me wanting to get feelings off my chest, but if anyone wants to throw something in, that would be appreciated. Thanks again for reading.


Despondent Despondent
22-25, M
8 Responses Mar 11, 2009

OK, yes I am a woman and yes I agree with your current gf's view. My husband tried to hold on to his "female best friend". I understood when we met that she was like a sister to him..."then when I finally met her face to face, I was told of how they met....he had an affair with her years ago in his first marriage, and they had remained best friends.<br />
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uhm.mmm...bull****...sorry but, I understand he had an affair cuz his x-wife was truly a miserable *****, but I can imagine what this "new woman" he hooked up with meant to him...lots of lust and blah blah...<br />
<br />
he said why would he have chosen to marry me and not her...he doesn't care for her that way, but professed her being his best friend and would call her "princess"...ugh!<br />
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Well, this continued to "interfere" with our new married life, so he finally realized he needed to back off.<br />
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I hate being perceived as jealous or insecure, but this just never sat well with me.<br />
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I truly beleive that x gf's have an ulterior motive, to hold on to something they don't want to let go of....i would watch out on that one

Dear Despondent,<br />
Don't despair, nobody's perfect. First of all, at some point I bet your girl made a mistake too and someone had to forgive her. I bet you haven't been a perfect bf in the past either, we all have our secrets, but don't beat yourself up. The bible says, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Your girl is not going to break up with you, she won't make it easy for you but she ain't going anywhere. That's how we women work. Besides, she started running her drama on you first. Yep, that's right, at the beginning when you were a stand up guy, you told her the truth about having the girl bf, but she lied when she said it was ok with her. She knew then she didn't like it. None of my business, but I bet it happened just a short time after your first sexual encounter, (most women feel a stronger importance in the relationship after they've had sex with a guy, it like they own you after they sleep with you). We women can be selfish and we don't like to share. She hasn't taken a moment to think about how losing your bf might effect you. Has she even considered that the bf might be part of the reason you are the person you are, the same person she fell in love with? According to you this bf has been a very good friend, yeah she made some mistakes as your gf, but you forgave her. What she did as a gf is irrelevant now. As a friend she has been great? Have they met? Did your best friend tell you not to date this gf did she do something to the gf is that why the gf doesn't like her? Did they have a fight? <br />
Why would your new gf just tell you outright to get rid of her without even meeting her? I mean, will she be jealous everytime you talk to another girl? Some women even get jealous when their man pays attention to their female relatives? Make sure you know who this person is that you love. If she loved YOU and cared about YOUR feelings she would at least try. Furthermore, how does your having a female bf have anything to do with what happened to her in the past? I don't see the connection. She's using it as an excuse. Best friends don't happen everyday and they are worth fighting for. What you should do is stand up for yourself, you have the right to have your own friends. If you and your bf are not in love, not seeing each other (as in dating) not doing anything disrespectful or inappropriate, there is no reason why you can't still be friends. I'm sure your gf is a nice person who didn't deserve what happened to her and still may be suffering, and you can help her by being loving and supportive and understanding and truthful, totally truthful, but she needs to consider that her past may be the reason that she is making such unreasonable requests and when she recognizes that, she might just change her mind. My advice regardless is, start by insisting that they meet, talk, get to know each other whatever the convenience is. Your gf just might find out that the best friend is someone worth knowing and they may develop a friendship of their own, as well. I wonder, you said that some of you went to the same school do your guy friends know the bf? Will the gf want you to cut ties with them too so you don't talk to them about the bf? There's no telling where it will end~ get a grip now. Because, what if this girlfriend thing doesn't work out? Then you've just lost a bf for nothing. I understand that you are afraid of losing the gf if you keep the bf but I would seriously consider why you would want to be with someone who doesn't let you be you. Here's my story, my husband has a female best friend. When I met him they had been friends since high school, they started out dating, that didn't work out but they found they made great friends. When I met him he told me up front he had a girl- best friend, they were roommates in college when I met him and they hung out all the time. I didn't like it! We dated, we fell in love and I did the same thing your gf did I told him she had to go. I saw the hurt in his eyes, but I was sure he'd do it, there was silence for a minute, then he told me "no,". We fought and we cried for about a week. Finally, he called and he said, "well you have a decision to make, I told you in the beginning, she is my friend my best friend, I didn't hide it and if you cannot accept it then you are not the person I thought you were". That really hit home. He asked me to meet her, he said "if you are gonna hate her then you have to have a reason". I didn't want to meet her but I agreed to it, I decided I like that option better than losing him. We all met up at a party and she was beautiful, which made me even more jealous but I tried to keep an open mind, she was really happy to meet me and she was very nice. I watched her interact with him and as hard as I tried I didn't see her do one damn thing that made me think she was in love with him or that there was something underhanded going on, and she didn't do one thing inappropriate and NEITHER DID HE. She and I drank a couple of beers together and we talked and laughed and I had to admit she was a pretty cool person. I really liked her and I could see why he did. After that, I still had my moments but over time it got easier and I got over it. She was my husbands best man at our wedding (she even hosted the bachelors party) and she is still part of our life, she's married now and we all get together and do family things, our kids play together and he still talks to her and I am fine with it. This really cool life we have would not have been possible if he hadn't taken a chance, and if I hadn't taken a chance. I had to step out of the box, a girl bf is not common, it's not something you have to deal with everyday and all my friends said dump him, but I thought he was a really great guy and he was worth it. I hope your girl comes to her senses, but if she doesn't move on life is too short and someday you'll miss that best friend, you can always replace a girlfriend.

to be honest, for you're ex to cheat on you, she can't have thought that much of you. your new girlfriend obviously does think a lot of you. you went behind her back and lied to her, the same way as your ex went behind your back with another bloke. how do you expect her to feel? you know how it hurts.<br />
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your future is what's most important here. you need to think about wether or not this girl is right for u, whether you love her enough to do anything for her, committ to her. and if you do, do something about it, don't let her down for somebody who's already let you down. do your best to make her happy. however, if you don't love her enough, you need to let her go for her own sake. don't keep hurting her the way you have.

Ah yea . . . cept with the name Randy, it might be a tip off that I am NOT a lady. hahaha<br />
<br />
But I get the point.<br />
I was faced with such an issue.<br />
Lets just say that the new girl I was with, later became my wife of 17 years. The old EX . . . I have no clue what happened to her, which is sad that it went to that extreme.

Thanks for your thoughts, ladies. I really feel like I'm beginning to understand the way she feels, and you seem to feel the same way. Thanks again :)

Going to have to follow what Tayer09 said but in a softer way. Your new girl knows full well that your ex is a threat to her and her future with you. Your ex is no best friend. That is a smoke screen.<br />
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I also kinda suspect that you kinda put your ex up on a pedestal and might have even placed a light over head to give her a heavenly glow to her. No woman will tolerate that.<br />
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When I got married, there were even some guy friends I had to distance myself from.<br />
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What can I say, Girls rules. Not Guys. Guys just learn to follow the girls rules if they want any peace in their lives.<br />
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Choice is either make the ex a girl friend again by having her move back with her, or explain what is going on fully and focus upon the new girl. There can only be one woman in your life. She made that clear. <br />
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Good luck, either way it sucks, but that is how it works in life.

One last thought - 'You are not in high school any longer... your best-buddy's opinion and advice might have been just fine - when you both were in high-school. But adults follow a different set of rules. Grown-up rules.

"The ex and I both agreed that it was unfair of her to ask that, and continued to talk anyway. I told her that we'd have to keep it secret."<br />
<br />
Dump the ex! You are talking about your future happiness here. No woman will ever share you with an ex-lover. Nor should she. Simple as that. Don't be a fool. <br />
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"But she's just a friend!" BS! Pull your head out of your arse. If your so-called best buddy really cared enough for you - that she had your best interest at heart - she would advise you, herself, that it is time your friendship ended with her. <br />
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You have told this "best friend" - How this new woman in your life made you feel alive again - and hopeful in love - blessed to be in love with each other - your genuine love for this woman that caused you to hope and believe in a future together.<br />
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Don't be a fool - Leave the past in the past - it's time to move on - and plan for your future. Dump the ex.