I Feel Like I'm At the End of My Rope...

I honestly don't even know where to start...everything was fine at the start of this semester (January) and then everything just fell apart. I was working part-time babysitting and going to classes full-time. Then my part-time job became full-time and I stopped going to my classes. I knew that I should go because I was on academic probation but at the time the job was more important. Then on one of the days I was supposed to work it was snowy and icey...my car doesn't have heat/defrost so I had to call in. Needless to say I lost that job. By that time I hadn't been to school in a few weeks and assumed it was useless to try and go back. I live with my mother, who thought I was still going to classes, so rather than telling her the truth I pretended to go to classes. On Tues & Thurs nights when I was supposed to be in my math class I would either sit in the school parking lot and read a book or go to store and stroll around wasting time. I kept on pretending until about 2/3 weeks ago when the guilt was just eating at me. I knew that I had to do something so I went to a therapist. She told me that the best thing would be for me to tell my mom the truth. So I did. The look in her eyes when I told her the truth made me feel so horrible. I knew she was so dissappointed in me...so I went home and took a bunch of pills. I actually thought that for some reason I would fall asleep and just never wake up. But I did...and then my mom decided that we needed to see this therapist together...and the therapist basically berated my mother's parenting skills. (Also, I have some type of anxiety disorder...I hate going to public places...but whatever) Anyway my mom made me schedule another appt with this lady even though she didn't like her. I somehow overslept and missed the appt and rather than telling my mom that I lied and told her that I went. She called and found out that I hadn't...and she had that look of disappointment again so I tried taking pills again...it didn't work...so I'm still here and I'm starting to think there must be a reason and I just wish God would tell me what it is...but the main thing right now is that I've continued to lie to my mom by telling her that I am still taking my online classes (I'm not) and that tomorrow I'm supposed to be going to talk with some of my teachers about continuing in the classes...when in reality I checked tonight and I have officially been dropped from all but one of my classes. She said that if I lie one more time I won't like the consequences...I'm assuming that she will kick me out and if she does I have no where to go...I feel horrible for lying to her but at the same time I wish I would have never told her the truth. I just need someone that I can vent to...because honestly right now, as pathetic as it is, the only reason I haven't slit my wrists is because of my cats...I love them to death and I don't want to leave them...God that is so pathetic but it is the truth...please someone tell me that everything is going to be alright...or tell me something...my yahoo is NCgirliegirl19...my aim is kittykat41556

NCgirl19 NCgirl19
4 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Well I would start with this, killing yourself is not only a dissapointment to your mom but more importantly you would be cheating yourself out've finding that one thing that will turn your life right round. I think you sound lost and confused and aren't really sure what it is in life that you want or need. Lying to your mom is bad but in actual fact all you are really doing is hurting yourself bylying and then letting the guilt eat you up. <br />
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I went thru something similar and also dropped out of school and did not tell my folks for awhile. However I was already scheduled to see a therapist and after talking to her for a few weeks she got me to the realization that honesty is the best policy but not for the people you are lying to only but ,more importantly to yourself.<br />
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The only way to find happiness is first to be happy within yourself and then worry about others.

killing yourself is the ultimate disappointment to your mom. no matter what you do with your life she will get past it except when you take your life. i know because my dad killed himself and i always thought we were so close. i have never been able to stop asking myself if it was because of me. it is the greatest pain imaginable it will never go away. look, salvage the 1 class if you can and let your mom know whats going on. she may be disappointed but she will be so proud one day to know how strong you were to get past this. nothing but death is final. she loves you and needs you.

well trying to kill urself 3 times but failing probably means god doesnt want u to die. i wud do wat the guy told u to do. like apologize to ur mom cas i know wat its like wen something like that happens and it sucks! but its just gonna get worse if u dont do it. i used to get rely scared of my mom wen i got a bad grade, i was scared to go downstairs. but she never hit me, just yelled, and i thank her for that, cas without it, i wouldnt get anywhere :D<br />
if its hard not to lie to ur mom try making it a goal. write it down. <br />
i heard this speech from the google guy at my sisters graduation<br />
"life is like 3 balls. 2 r glass and one is rubber. the rubber ball is work, wen its dropped it always bounces back. it never breaks, its always there.<br />
1 of the 2 glass balls is health. it keeps u alive but if u drop it, its over. the other ball is family. if u drop it, it will break, and u cant put it back together. u cant get another one. "<br />
there is only one family in ur life, and they r the most important people to u on earth. a mother always loves her child. and its never too late to get an education. the world is full of it. but scool is like the malaira shot u get before u enter africa. u need it to survive.

I hope that I can help you somehow. <br />
You know, you are at an age when everything seems to be a catastrophe. Do or Die sometimes. I remember.<br />
Please, dont remind me of what an idiot I used to be.<br />
Overemotional, making bad decisions and then when my Mothers heart was broken, I thought we could never be friends again. <br />
You are not doing well in school because you do not have your heart into it. You do not have your mind in sinqe with your heart, so yes you will fail at it.<br />
You cannot stand to dissappoint your Mother and so you choose death? No. Rather all you do is cause liver to scar for life,and these things will pass yes, but some things the liver cannot repair so quit that.<br />
Your Mother is your best friend, yes she loves you more than you love YOU right now. Sit down with her, tell her "Mom, I am just so confused right now, I dont know what I want and I really am disappointed in me too."<br />
Can you forgive me? If you cannot say this to her, write it down and leave it for her. Personally I think this is a missed opportunity to find the love you crave and the understanding by writing it down but what the heh.<br />
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Believe me, all that is wrong right now is hormones and the unwillingness to accept the information at school..You will be able to, when you are ready. Ok?<br />
Stop pressuring yourself. <br />
What is it that you love most? What talent do you have? What would make you feel comfortable right now? Take time to discover yourself for a bit. <br />
THEN...make an informed decision ;whether to go to school or get a serious job. <br />
You can always take classes a little at a time later. <br />
OK? Good luck. <br />
Let us know how it went.