Standing In My Own Way, Being Lost

I'm in college. Made it through high school, wasn't the best but I had some good times with some good people.

Now I'm in college and above all I am soo incredibly happy. But it seems like towards the end of the day when I am not totally around people (except my god-damned roommate that I cannot live with a moment longer) I start to think.

Recently my head has been spinning with trying to find a summer job, get into the nursing school at my university, keeping a balanced social life and getting school work done. Technically I have been doing pretty well.

My issue is: I put a damn good front. To a point I am myself, I do believe this. But more often than not I find myself being more optamistic than I really feel and portraying myself more in control of my life and myself than I really am.

My head is spinning about what will happen if I don't get into the nursing school. I am a pretty good canidate but it is very competative and ok yeah, I can reapply but I want this soo bad and I prepared for it for so long. It's killing me waiting. Then I start giving myself false hope of getting that acceptance letter, then telling myself to shut up because it very well could be a rejection.

To give myself more distractions I want to look good for the summer, but I cannot get myself to actually do anything about it.

And even more above that I am dating a guy. Honestly a good guy. My mom loves him but my dad is a little leery of him (thinking his little girl can do better). And honestly I feel like that sometimes. I know his schooling and job goals shouldn't bother me and I shouldn't be really thinking super hard about marriage but I will not live check to check.

We dated last year and broke up. I was a pretty big mess for a while(on the inside, because I am the happy entertainer of friends and never let my guard down). But around Christmas we got together and talked and started over. I was happy, and still am, I think. Ugh, I h ave so many thoughts about this right now. I feel like I love him, but how the hell am I supposed to know what real love is?! I get happy talking and being with him, but at the same time the loss of "freedom" to do whatever I like seems stiffling sometimes--and I know it shouldn't. It's not like there is anyone else I am interested in right now. And I have had some past experiences (sexually) that I feel may be coming back to mess me up. I do have that kind of intimate with him and honestly I do love pleasing him and making him happy, I love it. But I would rather do anything than actually have sex. For me it hurts (and I tie that into the past experiences) and I have talked to him about it. I want to be able to enjoy myself and have us make love versus just have sex. I know this is a romantic view, but I feel like after eveything I am truely comfortable around him and know he would never hurt me so why can't it work "right" And every day I seem to ask myself "do i really love him" or "what is going on here" and I have talked to friends and family and I cannot sort it out

I'm sorry this is so much information, if not too much. But I need to get it out so bad. I'm sitting in the library, trying to get homework done but just can't. The thought of holding all this in any longer just makes me want to cry.

Some times I just can't see past what I think I want and then I go questioning those wants. And I know I am young, but I don't chaulk this up to teenage angst. I feel just...lost.

Funnigirl27 Funnigirl27
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 24, 2009

Well, like many people, it seems like you're struggling with your feelings while trying to live your life as normally as you can. Not a great idea. My advice to you is just to sit down one day, not think about the homework or the applying for a job, or anything, and just think about what you want to see done, in order...sort out your priorities so to speak. Because it sounds like you're trying to be do 50 different things. Sort out your feelings, your homework, and still get a job. <br />
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And even for the most well trained person that's a lot to deal with...just one day sit down, relax, take a breathe, get a drink...and work through it piece by piece. I hope this helps a little, and good luck with your boyfriend, he sounds like a great guy so I'm sure he'll help you sort it all out too :)