Torn

Seems like no matter how hard I try to explain myself, the way I am, the way I act, the way I think....

NO ONE IN MY PHYSICAL LIFE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND! 

I've lived a life full of pain and always sacrificed my dreams, goals, and desires, to see other people smile.  But now 25 years later I have this big empty void in my heart and I just want it to be filled, I cant focus on anything else except finding whats missing in my life. I have no husband, no children, no pets, no friends, no house, no income, absolutely nothing except the determination of finding "better days"... 

I'm just so sick of everyone saying that they care, and then when it comes down to the time when I really need them they disappear or act as if they cant understand me.

I'm left with this feeling of desperation and despair, hopelessness and confusion, and the more I get rejected the more I reject myself....

Now my current bf, says that I am changing into someone he cannot deal with. He says that I am getting an attitude with him all the time. He tells me that he hates me and that he cant stand me at times but he loves me so he "deals" with it. But lately he has been rushing me off the phone, our time shared is getting less and less, and I cant help but to think that he is about to abandon me like everyone else has, after all history has a way of repeating itself rapidly in my life. 

I don't know what to do, I have tried and tried to explain to him why I am the way I am and the reason for the sudden change, but he just don't understand, it angers him that he can't do anything about it, so then he lashes out at me. 

Then next thing I know my guards are back up 10 feet tall, and I'm coming at him with attitude and I'm feeling like I don't give a damn anymore because I feel deep down inside that he is not going to stay with me.

Also I have an "outlet" to all this hurt and pain that I do, and its smoking Mary Jane... When I smoke is the only time I feel burden free and high spirited. I would say I use it just as a meditate uses incense, aroma therapy  or soft music to relax and clear their minds.. 

My bf knew this in the beginning and was fine with it, but now he is constantly complaining about it, too me I feel like he is trying to take away something that I need because it isn't him. To him he says he doesn't care but yet he always complains... but he is two sided with it because he also likes my personality better when I am high. I am happier, more talkative, more creative, more outgoing, more lively.... but it seems like now he wants to make me feel guilty for getting the pleasure out of it that I do...

What am I suppose to do? Give up the one thing that makes me smile regardless of all the bull-crap around me? The one thing that will always be there no matter who stays or who goes?  Yes I know it is not a perminate fix to my problems, but we are all realists and we know life is not a fairy tale and some problems you cannot fix at all because the solution relies on other peoples choices and others will do as they please. So to me the "sweet leaf"  cures the aches and pains, and burns that have been left in my heart to go unattended.

PLEASE SOMEONE OUT THERE TELL ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND!!!! 

 

 

ThaLonelyStoner ThaLonelyStoner
22-25, F
7 Responses Mar 25, 2009

I understand, I think you have taken a big stept by writing your story..*

I understand and I've been there always pleasing others. Take time now and please yourself. I'm here to listen if you want to talk. :)

i understand i am a middle schooler who all her life work hard to see my parents smile at me in second grade i was the top math person in my grade i always worked hard and when i show my mom my report card i feel so proud when i see their smile but when i entered a new school i all changed my parents never smiled at me when i show my report card if i had a b c or d they say i can do better and i get all depressed and when i go to my room i cry when their all asleep i still seem i can't please them and i also have a huge hole in my heart...

Hey , I totally understand , for years it seems like I could noty get a break and then i Started to see that i was special and that for some reason i chose this path, you are not alone , look outside of your self , not as a victim but as a victor , you know deep down in side that things will change , start small , every morning start by saying I forgive me today , don't be disappointed in your self anymore , embrace your quirks and realise that its never to late to walk your soul walk , its your destiny to find yourself and and no one elses

I am guessing you are looking for someone to understand about the boyfriend and I'm not sure how helpful I can be -- but I can tell you what I do understand. That is pushing people away before they abandon me. Been doing it all my life. I don't really do it now, at least, I leave a door open, but the hard fact I had to learn is NO ONE can be there for you all the time when you need them, simply because people are human and got their own stuff going on. If someone is there for me more often than not, I'm try to be ok with it (but I still try not to need anyone very much).<BR><BR>I have more or less given up on the whole "signifcant other" search but that's to long to go into. I am open to it but at 50, I don't meet many elegible men.<BR><BR>Anyway what I want to tell you is I understand about the weed. Called pot in my day -- I smoked it daily for about 10 years (also did a lot of drinking & other drugs). It really did keep me in a sort of bubble, somewhat protected from the world. But it turned on me and eventually I realized I could not let anyone in, or myself out. I was completely isolated.<BR><BR>All of this is a very long story. But as for the person who tells you to just stop, I know from MY experience you are not ready unitl you are ready. Though it can be different for different people. The thing is if one is afraid to get close to others one will find any number of things to keep some distance, put up barriers, etc. <BR><BR>I remember having boyfriends at your age and at times not even wanting to be touched; just wanting them to go away. I could tell you a lot more if you wanted to know but the bottom line is you can't change what your boyfriend does or who he is, you can only change yourself. Only you can decide if it's worth keeping him around. And if he's not a smoker, or only a casual one, he's NOT gonna get it about the weed.

My door is always open.

i picture an issue or a problem like a door at first. You can open it easily to take care of the problems in the beginning. Then if you ignore it for a long time, it turns evil on you, every day it hinders the ability for you to get to the door of the problem, allowing fear to hide it from you. When all along the problem was easy to fix, you just procrastinated on it. Get off the grass, and face the music of what everybody else has to deal with in life. Thats pretty much what your BF is tellling you.