I Feel Alone

I'm in my first year at a community college where I don't know any of my classmates.  The friends I made in my last year of high school (and the ones I'd known all four years) I've all but lost contact with.  The more long term friends are all away at universities having their own lives, and the ones I made in that last year (two people I grew fairly close to, one my own age and the other two years younger) are now dating, leaving me feeling like a third wheel whenever I'm with them.  The younger of the two, I believe considers me her best friend, but I honestly can't reciprocate the feelings.  My own best friend is a year older than me and is also busy with her life at a college only about an hour away.  I hardly ever speak to her, even though she's the best friend I've ever had, and was also the only person I felt I could tell anything to.  The younger girl is just that, younger, and I feel that there's not a lot that we have in common to make us any more than just casual friends. 

I can't confide in her and usually when we talk it's about her and our other friend (the one she's dating).  I feel much closer to the one she's dating.  He's my age, we had a lot of the same classes in high school and discovered a lot of things in common the last two years of school.  I feel that I can be completely honest with him and I know he feels the same with me.  The problem is that our main source of communication is through instant messaging.  In person he's far less candid and doesn't seem to like to talk.

I've tried to write everything else in a way that makes sense about five times now, and I realize that there's no way to make people understand my thinking or personality without writing about twelve pages of background so I've decided to just get to the point.

I feel alone.

I don't have a relationship with my parents that would allow me to speak to them regarding personal matters.

I just turned 19 and have no romantic history to speak of and I really wish I had a partner that I could open up to and who would feel open with me as well.

I feel inadequate as far as what I've done with my life so far.

I feel like a failure compared to my friends.

I've realized that I'm a lesbian and have no one to confide in.

I'm generally having a lot of confusing feelings and again, no one to confide in.

I have no one that I can talk to who I can trust to have an open mind and objective opinions.

I'm having body issues and my self esteem has been pretty low.

I often have an overwhelming need to cry, but am unable to actually shed tears.  It feels like there's this incredible pressure building up inside me that I can't release.  I feel like I want to scream so loud that it lets it all out but I can't because I live in a quiet residential neighborhood and I know someone will hear me.

I wish I could tell my parents that I want to go to therapy to have someone to talk to but I don't know how.

I need someone to talk to.

 

boothandbones boothandbones
18-21
5 Responses Mar 28, 2009

Being a shy person has taught that you can't meet people and stop being alone when you cut yourself off from people or hide.
Maybe there are groups in your area t join maybe even ones for gay/lesbian people I dunno but my lesbian friend went to one and it helped her.

you just described exactly what i am going through. i feel so incredibly alone and there is this pressure building inside of me that i don't know how to release. i want to cry everyday but i am way too stubborn to actually let any tears fall. i am a quiet person and its hard for me to open up.. i am so lost in life and i fell that i have no where to turn.

Im in my first year at college as well, and watched all my university friends go off into their own lives. My other friends scattered into various places. So I kind of know how you're feeling and its the worst.<br />
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If you ever want to chat, Im all ears! ;)

I know how you feel. I am 20 years your senior, however, I have a 19 year old daughter who goes through the same thing. She was taken from me at age 9 by my "mother". We are not "allowed" to talk to each other or see each other. We feel very alone as well. We are separated, though living less than a mile from each other. No one understands my emptiness. Much like no one understands yours. Its a feeling that cannot be described. In short, it sucks. <br />
I understand totally about the best friend. My best friend is also very busy with her life, leaving absolutely no time for me. It's a very hard life. Especially when you are not dating. But I am here. Here for you if you need. It's nice to talk to someone who cant tell this person or that what you said & having it get back to them in a way completely out of text. I cant magically heal you, but I can be there for you to talk to. it might help. You can confide in me. As I am a very good friend, plus, I don't know your crowd, and you don't know mine, so we can talk freely about whatever or whoever you want to. Like I said, no magic pill, or cure, just a hope, a hope that you will become my friend, and lean on me if needed. I will be here any time. XenasMom

It's very hard when HS ends and those you spent all your time with begin lives of there own as you have. You are in college like your friends you just don't really have anyone to talk to your own age.<br />
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Parents are funny creatures, we think they will never understand but they do, we think they don't know we are hurting but they do. They are always there for you close or not. <br />
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Talk to your mother about how you are feeling if there is no sibling you are close to you can talk to or you can't contact your best friend, by phone or e-mail, text message, anyway to let her know you are there and you care, she does to.<br />
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Reading your story is really inspiring to me, you seem like a very together person. Give yourself some time, lonely is hard but you never really are alone if you need her I know your best friend would be there for you. :) I wish you great success in all you do!