Smart But Stuck
Today is Fathers day and my Father has decided not to talk to me because for the first time in my life...I disagreed with him and decided not be the nice little daughter by putting up with his inappropriate comments. (Im 40) I secretly wish I did not have to deal with him. He could easily be considered clinically insane.
A related problem: Im currently having fears of getting a job. I have owned 3 one man band business's (1 being a coffee kiosk...this type of business's). Only the coffee was successful because I had support at the time. Im now the support for my fiance's business but just emotionally... But I need to get to work because we need more $. I think this stuff with my Dad is related to my fears. Instead of dealing with my obstacles..I just freeze .
Im really scared and I dont understand of what? Why am I procrastinating? I have anxiety..I have worked for myself because I cant process what others are thinking of me AND focus on the task at hand. I dont really have any skills...other than running a small business? I have a Degree in Psychology ( go figure!) I think I have a social phobia. Turning 40 has made me more so. As I have started to show some signs of age, Ive been self concious of that. I live in S. Cal...so imagine! ( so superficial).
I get anxiety when Im learning something. I also think people are mean and wrongly judgemental. The past 4 years the one job I took was not even close to what I even care about or good at. It ended in depression and paralysis...then being let go.
These details may help to understand. My Father was a violent abuser. We lived the high life but he was crazy. I want to say Manic crazy...more so dangerous. I was the only one not physically abused but verabl and emotional while experiencing everyone around me getting beat to a pulp. He may be clinically insane. Like the blonde guy on Desperate housewives!!
First off, I sincerely believe he is the sole reason I have certain fears of the world as being unsafe..work and friends..But this does not go without problems I have to try to overcome that I honestly are a result of my horrific upbringing.
Lastly, Im good at ebay...really good. Im thinking I can teach a few people. But my negativity gets in the way..." oh everyone is doing it" etc etc. but I do get stuck and burnt out of course. Im isolated, that cant help.
Im reading a lot of Barbara sher books..very helpful in planning my solutions. i understand I need to take a risk, but I just cant make another mistake of going into a job after being a business owner, being rediculed by those younger than me or risking doing something I have no skill for...which ends in depression and paralysis. My negative self talk ( shadow of my Father) seems to dominate my thinking.." Ill never amount to anything, Im stupid etc." ) When in fact I KNOW Im smart ( street smart). If anyone has any thoughts about all this, I would LOVE to hear them . Thank you.