Exclusive Club No One Should Be a Member of

It's been several years now and I still remember every moment.  My wife was in pain... it turned out to be labor pains... and with only 21 weeks in, now was not the time to be in labor.

My son was born too early and died at birth.  There was nothing anyone could do, but mourn.

I don't want to loose this feeling of loss for him because I'm afraid if I do, I'll forget him.  

I heard on the radio the other day someone commenting on family loss and it's stuck with me ever since:  I'm in an exclusive club that no one should be a member of.  I'm a father with a son, whom you can't meet, and I'm unsure how to introduce him to you.

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27 Responses Jul 30, 2009

I know it is very sad. I've had the same thing happened to me and my baby boy. He was my first and it tore me up. I have other children now and I told him the story about their older brother and they asked me what his name was. You will never forget him as long as you live but don't dwell on it it will drive you nuts.

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I have two baby angels. That is how I introduce them. We lost everyone when we lost our girls because no one understands how to talk about death with a person, let alone losing a child. I'm very sorry for your loss. If you want an ear, I have been the "dad" that is often pretty neglected after such a loss. I didn't forget, but I can let go of the loss part now. I'll never forget them no matter how life changes.

deleted, hellomy nameis laurie i just wanted to let you know you did introduce us to your little boy you will never FORGET so dont worry about anything i just wanted to paymy repectsyour story truly touched me

Convey my deepest condolence. Not really good at this, but I'll give it a go.

Even if I doubt you'll forget him, perhaps you could do something in your home to honour his name? Perhaps you've done it already. Not sure if you're religious either, but maybe praying time to time to wish him the best of places.

Again, my deepest condolence.

I'm glad that you can post and talk about this. There are few if any support groups for men who have lost children. All the focus is on the mother as if she's the only one that suffers because she was the one who carried the child. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and it affected my husband badly. There's no one but me to talk to but he doesn't want to and so he keeps it all in to himself. He says he thinks about it more than he tells me so in reality I don't really know how he is really coping with it especially since we're now expecting another one in 6 months.

Like some of the replies have said, you have a son he's just not with you right now. I don't know if the baby I lost was a boy or girl, I just know I'm the mother of 3 kids: the 5 year old that I have now playing on the computer next to me, the one that I lost and the one that I'm carrying now and no one can take that away from me or from you. Losing the feeling of loss doesn't mean that you've forgotten about him it just means that you're moving on. A friend of mine had a miscarriage 40 years ago and still mourns, so you'll never forget you just move on and carry on. If you believe in God you'll believe that your son is waiting for you and that one day you'll be reunited. He has no one to call dad apart from you so whether you lose the sad feelings that you have or not you will always be his dad. Let the pain go, don't let it run your life. There are many men in your situation. In some ways it's easier for women to deal with this situation because they get more support and they get to experience the whole process from beginning to end. Dads, however, feel helpless because they feel like a spectator and can't do anything apart from watch. It's a different feeling for them as they don't feel as involved, they don't attention from doctors and nurses like the mother does.

You can give your son a name, I'm sure he is aware of you and wishes to be with you the same way that you want to be with him. Don't let it run you down, I'm sure he wants you to be happy. I'm sure he is fine and with other relatives who have passed on so he won't be alone.

I'm not convinced that viewing your situation as being part of an exclusive club is a healthy way of looking at it. You're not the only one so you're not exclusive and it's not a club that's open to members only. I think it encourages you to feel alone and sorry for yourself as if no one can relate to you. Your situation is more common than you think it's just not commonly talked about. Like I said, there are few if any support groups for men and that's why it may feel like an exclusive club. Talking about it openly is good for you if you feel that it helps, if you do you may find there are many men in your situation who haven't talked about it because it's not encouraged and like you and my husband are seeking support and have no one to talk about it to. If you're able to create a support group then I'd encourage you to do it, I don't know how you'd go about it but I'm sure you'd find there are many in your situation with no where to go to and will feel isolated as if in an exclusive club.

I hope this has been some help. I wish you well.

i dont know if im a "member" but here i go... im 21 years old and all ive ever wanted from life is a big family that has the same problems that most big family's do but have a connection that comes with family. im an only child but at 9 years old my mum and dad told me "we are going to have a new family member" and all i remember is being the happiest i have ever been. all ive ever wanted is younger siblings to share my life with and guide through the joys and pains of life, but when my litter brother was born the placenta broke away too early and my little brother died. i miss him everyday and visit him at southern cemetery regularly. i dont think this kind of thing is ever something you forget, or truly move on from. its always "the life i could of had" but sometimes and only sometimes the memory of the life that could of been forces me to do more to be more and to achieve more with the life i was given, in memory of Marcus, i love you and always will.

I am also a reluctant member of this club though my son was lost to us at 13years old almost 14 months ago. I have an older son who is 18 now and about to graduate from high school. I don't pretend to know what it is like to lose an infant child, no more than I expect you all to understand what it is to lose a teenager with the world ahead of him and so much promise. But I do know that I know what it feels like to lose a child. A child I hadhopes for, and who I expected to see grow older, go to college, marry, give me grandchildren, be a father, and an uncle, and bury me. Now on earth I have ony oine child but I do have and always will be the father of two sons. I pray for all who have gone what we have gone through, and I pray no one should have to feel the pain. But know we are always here for all who need to just listen, and pray for. we will see our children again. Their lives however short, will never have been in vain. God Bless you all.

Hi I'm sorry for your loss, my husband and I lost a son too, so I understand your pain. I went into labor at 19 and a half. We went to the doctor and I remember looking at my baby and seeing him curled up in a ball, and no heart beat...the doctor confirmed my biggest fear, our son had died inside of me and had been dead for a week or so. She was surprised I didn't go on labor sooner. I was admitted in the hospital and induced into labor. He was born and immediately taken to pathology. I woke up in recovery thinking it all had been a nightmare. I know how you're feeling. But be sure you will never forget. You have a beautiful guardian angel taking care of both of you.

I also lost mt first born son.,Kaden Erik. He was 2-3 months early. they made us feel he'd be ok.. but he only lived for about 6hrs. it was my 1st child. i cant describe how it feels. you know. that was about 10 yrs ago now. and som1 on here hit it on the head. he is with you. and you should know, as bad as that fear is. that makes it harder to forget. you wont forget him. you cant. i now have 3 more kids, 9,6,and3. the youngest is my son Keegan. but in 10 yrs not a day has gone by i didn't reminisce. he is in your heart. and he is there to stay. i hope you all the best..

I have not yet experienced the loss of someone close. And when I do I know I will mourn deeply. But it would seem especially cruel to mourn the death of my young son. Those of you who have shared your touching stories have strength beyond my comprehension. You have survived the Abyss and come back. You came back. Take your life jacket, your lifeboat, and give it to someone else who is sinking. It will lift you both up. Bless you all.

For the first few years, I had to respond to the question, "do you have any childre?" with a YES. It was as if telling people that I had a son made him live. He was alive for just a few minutes. Of course, the next question, "How old is he?" would quickly end the brief ressurection. Then I would have to go into explanation mode, "Well, he was stillborn...It's okay, I'm okay, but thank you...I was 36 weeks, it was a cord accident...It was nice to meet you too."<br />
That became really hard. Not on me, but hard on the unsuspecting person. I would just say no, not yet. Then when my second son was born alive and healthy I said I only had one child. At first, it made me mad that other people couldn't handle the death of my child when I was handling it everyday. (Not always well.) Then it made me sad that I could never share him with others like I could my living children. Now, I love that he is forever in me. It doesn't matter what others know about him.<br />
You should know that the weight of your loss, of your child's death, does get easier to carry over the years but it will never go away, and you will be glad to carry the weight. It has been 17 years since my son died. I think of him constantly. He is with me always.

God bless all of those who lost their loved ones. May you all find peace and resignation to see that they still live somehow, somewhere, and are leading a very active and beautiful life on a learning journey. Amen!

Hi,<br />
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I do not have words to open the conversation, but have a similar pain but 180 degrees opposite of yours, as I lost my mother 17 months back, since than my life has completly changed, I have no one to share my feelings or thoughts with, though we are five brother and sisters all living together but I am lonely to the core as my mother still is a centre of gravity. <br />
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Like you, I do not wish this pain to go, as I feel that If the pain passed away, I may forget the core of mylife, which in any case, I do not want to. I can understand your situation well and what I understood over a period of time is grow more love in my heart which can be shared with the people exisiting on this earth (known or unknown) and for all those waiting for us somewhere up, is waht I offer you as suggestion.<br />
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Wish to be more in contact with you.<br />
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Regards,<br />
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I appreciated your story. I had 2 miscarriages, now while thats not quite the same as giving birth and losing a child there is still a lot of heartbreak and loss involved. I believe you could say I have 2 sons, one with us here on earth and one waiting for us in heaven. I think any further details would be up to your discretion. You sound like a very caring, compassionate individual, I hope I helped a little.

@prettyinpink: Thank you for reading and commenting.

I'm so glad i clicked on this story and have read all these comments. Although a sad story, I somehow feel unburdened by my own stresses..........

I'm so glad i clicked on this story and have read all these comments. Although a sad story, I somehow feel unburdened by my own stresses..........

I'm so glad i clicked on this story and have read all these comments. Although a sad story, I somehow feel unburdened by my own stresses..........

@cassijan5328: I'm sorry to hear of your loss as well, and thank you for sharing.<br />
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Isn't exciting? The joy of finding out about your (or in my case, my wife's) pregnancy - is only eclipsed by each passing day knowing that you are one day closer to meeting your child! Then - the pain comes when he doesn't live long enough for even a quick glimpse into each other's eyes. <br />
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I wish I could say the pain goes away - but it's a lie. But the pain does change from utter sorrow to devout love. It's a love that I can't explain and one that no one outside of our club could begin to understand.<br />
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I think it's wonderful that you've named your son Bentley. That's a strong and regal name - and one that he'll be able to go far with. I'd like to introduce him and you to my son, Luke.

Hi, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I too recently lost a child. I was 4 months pregnant! I never thought I could ever get pregnant so I was so excited! Everyone I know has children and they are so happy. I have always wanted about 4 kid's. I know how you feel! I did not ever find out what I was having (boy or girl) I actually miscarried the day I was suppose to find out. So I think the baby was a boy and I named him Bentley. I dont know about you but I talk to him everyday, I try to make sure he knows his mother and father will always love him. That about all you can do right? Well I see you posted this over a year ago, but I would like to just tell you, you will never forget do not worry about that. You might not think about the baby for a minute or a week but the baby and you both know that child will be apart of your family for ever.

Hello everyone, Thank you for your beautiful comments. I posted this roughly a year ago and immediately removed my membership. I'm not sure why - I think it was just too painful. However, since posting, I've revisited this spot several times for strength. Each of your comments mean the world to me. <br />
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I do want to post an update, though - since the loss of our first child, we've been blessed with another son! Also, my wife is pregnant with our third child - due in August. Since she's considered high risk, we visit the docs weekly. We have many ultra-sound photos and enjoy the experience.<br />
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I'm still unsure how to introduce people to my son, but I'm positive my life is better because of him. As painful as his death still is, I strive to be a better man because of him. His gift of love and strength is greater than any tangible gift I've ever received. Knowing that his mom, my wife, is by my side and willing to share and love and cry with me - that's priceless and also a gift. <br />
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Tonight, I rocked his little brother to sleep. I'm probably the worst singer, I don't know many of the words to the songs I sing, and I'm horribly out of tune... but I would rather drop everything to be with him than not. My first son taught me that lesson. He gave me the gift to know what is important in life: love.<br />
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I regret now that I did not keep the account which I used to establish this thread. However, I intend to keep this new account.

My mother lost her first child, he was born with an under developed lung and because it was still the 70's there wasnt anything they could do. i never got to meet him, but know that he is here. when people ask how many sibblings i have i always include him in that, I love him though i never meet him and always will.

I cannot fathom the depth of anguish and grief you must have felt at the loss of your son. However, unlike those commenters who envision your child hovering out there like some homeless waif, caught in an abyss between death and life, with nothing more joyful to do than watch his father mourn his passing, I know that he is with the Source of all Joy and the Source of all life: the Lord Jesus Christ. He is free of suffering, especially the earthly suffering we all endure because of our own hostility towards things godly. He is free of disease; free of sorrow; free of any and all responsibilities for his own eternal destiny. Your son is in perfect peace and is already enjoying the glorified, resurrected body you and I will have to die in Christ to obtain. What's more: he is asking that same Christ to be sure that He does everything in His power to bring you and the child's mother to heaven as soon as possible so that the three of you can be reunited. Your child is not an angel for he was created to be higher than the angels, just as all of mankind is, and as such, he enjoys the heavenly privileges reserved only for all of God's resurrected children. By the way, God knows how you feel more than anyone else on this entire planet, for He, too, lost a Son through an agonizing death on a humiliating Cross, that what I've just told you might be made Truth for all who will accept it, believe it, and live by it. Rather than mourn the loss of your little one who was taken from you too soon for human comfort, I pray that you will learn how to celebrate the life that is now his and know that until you see him again, he is safe in the Presence of Him who loves him more than even you and his mother ever could have. That little guy will become the salvation of both of you, for "suffer the little children to come unto Me," is still the heart of Him who called your child home in the first place and Jesus will not refuse the tugging on His hem your son will do until he sees his mommy and daddy again. Be comforted that God knew this and had it in mind all along... For the sake of your son, don't keep looking backwards at what you cannot reclaim, but look forward to what you can achieve: a heavenly reunion with a son who never had even one unhappy day... If you have found some freedom in these words, it is your sign you have indeed finally heard the Truth - which always sets men free. God bless you.

I agree with all of you. I know from my own experience that it is not easy to talk about it .. or to be more precise, it's not easy to find a person who wants to listen or encourage you to talk about it. People who don't have the same kind of experience hardly understand what you are going through, and honestly speaking, they can't be blamed ... I so know how it feels when you no longer want to be in pain and a part of you would rather move on with life, but the other part is afraid that you may somehow forget about what happened and due to that lessen the importance of the person you lost. These days I tend to believe in something that was already said by Anardun and Chickadeedee - that you can't really forget, the experience is something you'll carry in your heart for the rest of your life. At the same time I think it's probably good for you if you no longer think as much about it and feel more peaceful when you do think about it .. And you definitely did introduce your son - I think we all can see him now through a loving father's eyes. It's such a pity that he wasn't meant to stay and you couldn't do all the things fathers do with their children, but I'm also really sure that he must have felt your love .. and wherever he may be now, he probably knows what you have been going through and how you're still feeling about him.<br />
My warmest wishes to you ..

For what it's worth, you'll never forget. It's a part of your life now, there's no way to forget it. It will always effect you, it's already changed you, and you'll never be without the memories. No matter what you do, you can't change that. it's always going to be a permanent part of your life story. So don't worry about forgetting him. Worry about what you're going to do in his memory.

Hi, I just felt compelled to write to you... It seems that you are very much so still in pain from the loss of your beloved son. <br />
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It is also very obvious that your son has felt the love you have for him and has chosen to remain with you. It seems you still feel his presence and you know that he is there. But am I wrong in assuming that you are not sure of how others will percieve your son still being there with you? <br />
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I think the important thing is that you still have your son. he is not in life form, but still with you. and you know this. - Even though he died at birth, he was born and is a son of yours! feel free to talk to anyone you choose about your son, but just remember that people are ignorant towards life and death. When someone passes over we expect a certain time fr<x>ame for grieving and then as humans we expect it to be over and barely mentioned. Why? because those close to you know that the death was associated with grief and mental anquish, they do not wish to see you in that state of mind, and nor do they want to join you in that grief each time they are in your presence. You see it lowers the mood, and they always leave feeling bad. People will shy away from these feelings so they may come across to you as being harsh, or not wanting to hear about your son, but it is the grief and emotional feelings that they do not want to deal with. <br />
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This is why you may have to touch lightly on this subject with friends and family and co-workers, and strangers. I believe that it is ok to tell them Hey, I have a son whom crossed over but everyday, I still feel his presence. Here is a picture of my son at birth and I still love him very much. They may ask a few questions about the situation, and leave it alone after that. I wouldn't continue this conversation each time they saw you. <br />
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Anyway, - I hope this helps you in some kind of way- good luck!