Need Advice, Please!

I need someone to talk to right now. I have been having on going problems with my boyfriend. It just seems like issues that are important to me are not important to him. Like for instance our sex life. To me, it seems like we only have sex when he wants to, it is whenever he has time. I feel like we never have sex when I want to. I completely enjoy having sex with him, it just upsets that it always seems like it is on his terms. I am extremly upset right now, which is making me oversee the fact that we do have sex when I want to (sometimes). However, it just seems more often than not, it is when it is convenient for him. For example, we were just hanging around the house this afternoon spending our Sunday at home. We ended up taking a nap. When we woke up I mentioned sex. He looked at me and said "You want to have sex right now?". I did not say a word to him after that, what he had just said totally hurt my feelings. I don't want a boyfriend who is going to say that as soon as I mention having sex. I want a boyfriend who will want to have sex with me when I want to have it and when he wants to have it (ideally this would be at the same time) When I hear a reaction like that from him, it just makes me fee completely rejected and honestly makes me feel like crap. I tried to express this to him and he just does not understand. Unfortunately, when he does understand the way I am feeling, that is when I begin yelling. That is one of my faults I am trying to work on. I don't ever intentionally want to start an argument. However, when I express my feelings to him and it seems like he doesn't care, it drives me INSANE. I know that there are things that I need to work on myself, but I also think that my boyfriend needs to be concerned with my feelings and my needs (as I try to do this for him as well). Does anyone have any suggestions/comments for me and how I should deal with this? I am asking for any help that I can get. Thanks you guys!

TheWeez TheWeez
5 Responses Aug 2, 2009

I understand that sex with him is always good, but maybe you need to play his game...<br />
When he want's sex, you want to watch a movie or something. Just make him have to work for it?<br />
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Would help if you can tell us more problems you guys have in communicating.<br />
Maybe he is scared, I know some people that just can't talk about serious stuff. They just run from it, I'm not sure why.. Maybe he has some feelings that make him scared of talking about. Maybe afraid of losing you so he runs from the problems that sound like you guys have a problem.<br />
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Maybe you need to make it clear to him that all you need talks, if you don't have talks you can't have a happy relationship?

Please also consider that if he's not in the mood, he may not be *able* to do it - which he would very likely find highly embarassing. We females can do it whenever, even if we're not particularly in the mood, but men are often very sensitive about their ability to perform. He may prefer avoiding it rather than risk you seeing him have a problem.<br />
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Men also tend to be less able to communicate in words then do women. Can you interpret his actions instead? Does he do little things that prove he is thinking about you, even though he might not verbalize it?

Talk seriously with your boyfriend about your problem. Sex is not a single bussiness. Itshould have equel intertainment both of you.

Thank you Arcani87! You are right, there is more than just sex that I am unsatisfied with. But sex is one of the bigger issues so that is why I mention it. I can control my emotions in any other conversation with any other person - except with him. I really think it is just because he does not understand me. And speaking with him can be equally as frustrating. Sometimes when we are talking, I feel like I speaking to a brick wall. He is horrible with communicating and he always been this way (which drives me completely insane!) I know that I need to learn to control my emotions and reactions to these situations, but it drives me insane that he does not understand the way I feel. I know that I cannot expect him to understand the way I feel, but I think that he should understand the importance of my feelings. I think he just in his own world and all he see's is what he wants to see. I just dont know what to do anymore and I am sick of feeling this way. I have been with him for 6 years and I feel that if we can stick things out this long, then I would be foolish to end things now. But I am unhappy and left unsatisfied a lot. I'm just lost right now =(

I'm sorry you feel like this. By the sound of your post it seems as if it's more than just sex that you aren't satisfied with.<br />
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I would really do a good introspective look on this relationship. See what it is that it's really missing. Everyone's labido is different.<br />
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If you like the sex when you have it; then you need to find what turns him on. Maybe it's not the fac that he dosn't want to have sex; but that you're bringing it up in a way that dosn't make him want to engage.<br />
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Have a heartfelt conversation about sex. In which you try to control your feelings and express to eachother without getting upset.